Heartbreak past

 Im struggling common time I guess.. I have alot on my mind..and because I've been crying Im now feeling jaded and hurt and lost. IDK what to think anymore.. I don't even know where to begin.. I was super happy today. Honestly...
I read a stupid thing that talks about sleeping next to person you love, and how it improves your life. I must say the warmth of seeing my partner. it was beautiful, felt like home. 
we spent some of the day talking about the future. where we going to go, what we going to do, what our future looks like..my old notion of old traditions that no longer exist I guess. lol

It was good, it was fun, we laughed, we joked, we had a good morning.. adn then just like that it all came crashing down.. 
as I have been on the fence about job opportnity.. I was offered a job and then it was almost or is likely going to be taken away.. and it hurts..
the past of 3 yrs ago of a life I lived and stuff that I said and did.. the effects I had around people etx. I dont know what Im supposed to realize from that time, but I know Im defensive.. Im against the ideas the job has about me. this idea that I am not worthy of the job or whatever, even tho I spent a majority of my life in that job, adn not having people vouch for me sucks.. it makes me feel like garbage. 

Im hurt.. Im hurt beyond all things. and I don't know what to think anymore.. I went straight to what was familiar to me.. I went to my old habits because Im hurt. 
and now I have to explain this BS to people who weren't there etx. 
I have to hold my restraint about knowing full well that I can do this job, but knowing the shadow of that past is holding me back from moving forward
and it's like I wnat to do it..because I want to prove these assholes wrong..but... If I do.. then Im going all in. IDK. 

I just hurt... 

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like knowing that this job I've dedicated almost ten years of my life.. and to know I have the least amount of respect. nothing worthy of anything. I am hurt.. 
You know five years ago. I had the respect. the ability to do the job. teh ability to say this that or other thing, and I mattered. and i was happy.. but I gave it all up.. I gave up that job and moved into caring for my kid. 

I have no regrets in caring for him. I have no regrets in how our lives have turned out. but to know that I have lost this respect based on some bs rumors of people who don't matter. that is garbage and painful. I dont know how to be calm in situations where I see I am being jabbed at for being someone I am not. when my record of employment should speak for me in the fact that I rose from the bottom, that I get asked to help out, to support, to teach, etx. 

UGH!

Other than that.. I got to talk to my partner. we were able to talk about our lives, our future.. but... I don't know.. Im in the air. because I don't know nothing except pain I am currently feeling. 
I want to be happy. I want to be with them, but I am hurt right now. and I am shutting down because I realize there is nothing.. may not be anything good about me.. How hard it is to live everydya

I just I can't figure out how to get thro this. what is the right decision. why did I open this door thinking I was capable of this when I am not. 

Im so sad. I am feeling so broken. and I don't know what i need to feel better. 

im jaded