know nothing at all

I'm trying... I'm trying to feel something... but I've been put in position where feeling anything at all just causes me more pain. 

I dont wanna be where I'm at. Idk what I wanna feel  I just know that... I'm struggling...

I'm struggling...because I feel numb... I feel disconnected. I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I don't know what to do. 

You know the worst of it all..  is my partner said.. to keep our love alive we had to communicate. We had to connect. An I tried. We tried. An I dont know how to feel connected.  I don't know how to feel the love. How to let her love me. Because I'm so confused by it all. 

I dont understand how love can exist without the presence. Without the communication. 

Sometimes it seems like we're good but more days then not were not always talking. We're not always around one another. An I'm trying.   But more I try the more distance begins to come forward. An this feeling begins to come into my life.. 

Then I have a scare... where I lost touch with her for only 6 hours but I had the worst feeling in my gut. A feeling I haven't felt before. 

And like my gut hurt. I hurt. I was scared. I was terrified. I was angry. I was confused. An I had no one to turn too. 

People are tired of hearing me..

But when it all came together...the reality was..  we both allegedly needed one another so much. Which was a feeling we hadn't felt much at all. 

Idk...

I'm grateful for the time we have...but I feel so numb to everything.   But then when I need. When I yearn. When I want. She is the only face that I see. She is the only love that I want. 

So I'm confused of what it is I actually want..because I know that I'm psychotic enough that I don't want to live without her. 

She can't live without me. 

We can't be friends. 

But.....

Where are we then? 

Once upon a time not that long ago. We were high set on getting married. On building a future etc. An now we barely talk about it. Now we barely acknowledge it. An the commitment is allegedly there an that is apparently good enough. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like we're drifting 

I explain this.  An we make plans. An we communicate by text and phone. We see one another an bs. .but... I feel like garbage. 

I dont feel like this place is home..  an I dont even make plans anymore because nothing ever happens as I hope it would 

I just need something... I need a feeling of any feeling. I feel like nothing. 

You know... next month we're allegedly celebrating an entire year..  and I don't even know how to make a plan.  What to make a plan. 

Her idea of date night is different then my verison 

I just don't know what to think. I'm losing my mind. An I feel distant from the person I am supposed to be devoted too. 

I dont know how to be present because I feel so numb. 

Idk what's going on.. everything has effected me that all my walls have gone up and I'm closed off to everything. .

I'm ready to give up on all that is important. Because I don't feel like it matters.