I started yesterday...road to success here I come again.
It was a month ago that I fell from my ways of doing good...with not cutting. but with the new year coming around the corner I decided that I wanted to try more and more then I ever have before. So yesterday my cousin and I went to North Van where it happened a month ago. and I threw away my blade again.
I felt bad that I had went to these places that make my heart warm and memories are great. to have gone there and defiled it with my pain and everything...expressing it the way that I had.. but I went back yesterday and I just had good thoughts...and a desire for a better hope and future ahead of me.
I forgot that my counselor wants to hear about this cutting thing...can you believe it? I mean its something I've done for ten years now and this is the first time it could be used in a positive way and so Im hoping to help out with that..
I mean when I was living in Ontario. and came to visit one year. I was asked to speak to some youth...and when I shared with them who I was and the things I had done in the past.. it really made an impact on them..
So for me to teach and share some of my life with my counselor..it's awesome...
However this is one topic that I dont talk about...I mean for me to talk about cutting. it's like me talking about the real emotions that I feel...the real pain that haunts me...so it'll be difficult. .but I guess all great things have to be difficult.
Other then the new year..idea...
Im looking forward to hearing about whats going on with my mentor and friend. because seriously its at times the only thing that keeps me together. I mean I get to learn from a woman with an extraordinary gift to be great. to teach. to learn. to everything that's great. and so Im really looking forward to that.
One thing I took from that workshop that I did..was the freedom of our lives. I mean. really I have gone out TWICE IN MY entire 23yrs of life... and I danced...on the street listenning to some great music...and my cousin laughs at me...But for me to be able to do that..and just be able to laugh at myself..or have that kind of freedom in my life..it's amazingly great...and I love the way it makes me feel...and I love making other people laugh..which is abnormal for me. because im not someone who likes being seen in big crowds...
As for feelings wise....well Im loooking back at this year...and thanking God that its over. there's been so much that has went on this year that has been extremly painful. and Ive got the scars to prove how painful this has been for me. however some good came from it..
I mean feelings wise... there's just been something growing in me...the freedom that im talking about...it's like a high for me.... Im not someone to be able to be great and happy.. I mean those who know me know the pain that I suffer and know the person I am...and for me to say that I've found a piece of freedom that Im able to express myself in a different way it's pretty damn amazing.
For the most of it right now....
emotions wise... I dont know...
The one thing I'm looking forward to is getting one gift...is that sad to say? Maybe it's because its something i really really wanted...and the person that's getting it for me..I only bought a christmas gift for her. which was pretty outta the world for me... but it was awesome.. I loved it and so for her to tell me she's going to buy me something I want...it'll be great...
Its like...
the one year.... many years ago... I had wanted this one Cd..just this one CD. and I was going to buy it myself..and something told me not too..and on Christmas day this family, my friends bought me this gift..this CD! Do you know???How happy I was? I wanted to scream and dance for joy because for the first time something I really wanted was given to me and it was a huge suprise.
I'll never forget that year. and I'll never for that amazing family. because all my life... it's been difficult to have a reaction to gifts when there things that I didnt ask for...the gesture was great and everything..but for me to react it's like..I'd rather open this gift in private..lol
wow
you know one new years. I haven't forgotten this one year either..for one new years. I was at a party it was a Christian thing that I got invited too.. and instead of all the different things people could do.. we just had fun playing games and everything...and then at midnight most of the adults went outside banging on pots and pans screaming Happy new year..
I haven't spent a new years like that...for a while
this last year...I was home..and once midnight came I went to bed.lol
If I had to pick one great moment that came this year...it would be meeting Margo Kane. I mean that was the best time ever in my entire life..or when she awarded me for volunteering for the whole week for the talking stick festival. Either way my best moments this year would be wrapped around my experience with margo kane. because I've met some amazing people through her, and I've learned so much working along side people that work for her.
well.. I guess im off to bed...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
endings
the year is coming to an end.
I must say how excited I am about that because there's been so much stuff going on this year that's just become overwhelming.
I didn't have a very good christmas. too much family issues...fighting and what not.. I felt bad for many of the family members that did not attend..it was really difficult christmas this year.
I've been emotional for specific reasons that I wish I could write about but Im afraid the words for those things are just not existing
family wise...well the family is alright but they could be better.
Im realizing more andmore. that no matter what I do nothing has changed.
I wrote something a while back and posted it here..about how my family treats me...and how they make me feel.. well those feelings have not gone away. I still feel terrible about leaving. I mean I thought I was going to go and make changes in my life that would benefitt my future, something to give me hope and future... then I come back and find out those ideas are long past dead because I feel like I shouldn't have come back.
I mean don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people, and working with Margo Kane was one of the best things ever.
but when it comes to having come back to be with my family it seems like I've made a mistake and even then...they make me realize that I made the mistake of going away...
I wanted to go and get help for issues in my life...that at times can still haunt me today. I wanted to follow God..believe in God..and have faith in God..
I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to do something that changed myself and the world.
Instead...it seems like i've ruined my family...destroyed them. I mean one thing that was said in Ontario was the coodependency and that still sticks today and is painful to see...
Im frustrated with this time at home..and I really hope that I'll find a way outta this soon because Im starting to lose all that I learned.
Im losing the confidence in myself...my self worth..and Im losing more and more patience.... what I mean is that I started acting out in the way that I act out.
either way not the best time to talk. I'm distracted and bothered by todays events..
Im trying to find a job and everything
ttyl
I must say how excited I am about that because there's been so much stuff going on this year that's just become overwhelming.
I didn't have a very good christmas. too much family issues...fighting and what not.. I felt bad for many of the family members that did not attend..it was really difficult christmas this year.
I've been emotional for specific reasons that I wish I could write about but Im afraid the words for those things are just not existing
family wise...well the family is alright but they could be better.
Im realizing more andmore. that no matter what I do nothing has changed.
I wrote something a while back and posted it here..about how my family treats me...and how they make me feel.. well those feelings have not gone away. I still feel terrible about leaving. I mean I thought I was going to go and make changes in my life that would benefitt my future, something to give me hope and future... then I come back and find out those ideas are long past dead because I feel like I shouldn't have come back.
I mean don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people, and working with Margo Kane was one of the best things ever.
but when it comes to having come back to be with my family it seems like I've made a mistake and even then...they make me realize that I made the mistake of going away...
I wanted to go and get help for issues in my life...that at times can still haunt me today. I wanted to follow God..believe in God..and have faith in God..
I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to do something that changed myself and the world.
Instead...it seems like i've ruined my family...destroyed them. I mean one thing that was said in Ontario was the coodependency and that still sticks today and is painful to see...
Im frustrated with this time at home..and I really hope that I'll find a way outta this soon because Im starting to lose all that I learned.
Im losing the confidence in myself...my self worth..and Im losing more and more patience.... what I mean is that I started acting out in the way that I act out.
either way not the best time to talk. I'm distracted and bothered by todays events..
Im trying to find a job and everything
ttyl
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
reality check
I recently as of yesterday went through a situation I did not know how to deal with. my family life has become this turmoil of constant pain and just lack of discipline.
I got so angry that I left the house and went out on my own for most of the night. I went all the way to North Van because I figured it was the furthest away that I could get from my house. I also went because in my mind...I had felt that I had once again failed everything good in my life and threfore I had to defile...myself..my memories of goodness.
The memory of North Van is that my dad used to take me on the seabus I don't remember why or anything like that I just know that to me it was a special time... and because I had felt so low in my life I had deal with it. my way of dealing with it was not crying, not crying to anyone. I didn't cry, I dont actually cry...and therefore I cut myself....a few times.
I then thought of another memory that was happy and that was working at that workshop on Granville Island I mean this was the one place I loved going because I made friends and a way to survive and everything..I mean I could not describe to you the amazing people I met there..
So I then went to Granville island and cut myself again.
it was after or during all this happened that two people....came into my life.... one being my counselor who just missed the whole thing by two minutes..and then my friend Krissy who missed it by a whole half hour..
I dont know what's going on in my life..maybe it's all the time I'm spending trying to make my house a happy house, not really a happy house...but a house of rules a place where we are forced to have rules...which seems lost because no matter what I do they get around it, and then if not then they torment me with freakin bulshit that tears holes in my heart....
I then realized after all of this that I wasn't even sure who to call...to tell someone that I had felt I had failed. that I messed up real bad in my life. that I could not survive these emotions.. that I wasn't eating. that I wasn't sleeping. that I wasn't living. where do i send these emotions?
then I figure in my head. this is my fault..,because I should'n't have left the way i did. I should've tried to deal with these emotions at home...but when I start shaking the way I was I knew I was angry and was going to hit something, say something that would hurt someone and so I had to leave.
But what if I was supposed to say? I couldnt stay...
I didn't even go anywhere or do anything. I mean I just left and cut myself and I didn't cry. I have become emotionless when it comes to crying...tears might well up in my eyes but I'd forbid myself from feeling emotion.
I didn't know who to call....do you know how terrible that is? I mean I didn't know who to call for help.
Im not sure what that means but to me it means that I dont really have that many close friends that I can turn too...and so I did what I had to just to make sure I wouldn't feel anything...
who knows..
so now Im home and Im just realizing no matter what I say or do...nothing changes...and so Ive decided to stop changing...maybe this is where I just change myself....
it's one of those
Lead by example or whatever...
I do things and then maybe they will follow...I just dont know what to do anymore..but Im feeling like Im drawing my last breath...
so I have booked everything for me to be leaving Saturday if the weather is alright..and Im going to see my uncle...
I have had him on my heart for a while now...and so now I've decided that this is the time.. and then I find out he had another mild stroke and that makes me sad....it brings tears to my eyes but again i dont cry...but Im scared...I want to spend every waking minute with my uncle and just show him that I love him..so this trip is not a two way thing...I leave until it's time to come back...I just want to spend time with him..and hope that it'll be enough you know?
well that's all my words that I needed to say...
if anything else...for the first time in years...this has never felt like christmas to me..... I heard this phrase about christmas being about markets selling sky high, and visa bills going out the roof and I realized thats it...we've made christmas into this expansive thing...its no longer about my family but about the sizeable gift we buy those we love.
so I didn't buy anythign for anyone..becaues not only do I not have the money...I just dont want christmas in my life to be about buying gifts...
I was thinking about this....this one amazing christmas I had...back in Ontario..
I was missing the christmas party becaues I came down with the flu...and my friend Angela I think dressed up like santa claus. and my close friends at that time came up the stairs singing and everything...to me that was christmas because I had the dearest friends to me, by my side. and I will never forget that because it was one of the best christmass in my life...because they were the ones that just showed me what christmas was all about...and that's what I loved so much.....I'll never forget that..
good night
I got so angry that I left the house and went out on my own for most of the night. I went all the way to North Van because I figured it was the furthest away that I could get from my house. I also went because in my mind...I had felt that I had once again failed everything good in my life and threfore I had to defile...myself..my memories of goodness.
The memory of North Van is that my dad used to take me on the seabus I don't remember why or anything like that I just know that to me it was a special time... and because I had felt so low in my life I had deal with it. my way of dealing with it was not crying, not crying to anyone. I didn't cry, I dont actually cry...and therefore I cut myself....a few times.
I then thought of another memory that was happy and that was working at that workshop on Granville Island I mean this was the one place I loved going because I made friends and a way to survive and everything..I mean I could not describe to you the amazing people I met there..
So I then went to Granville island and cut myself again.
it was after or during all this happened that two people....came into my life.... one being my counselor who just missed the whole thing by two minutes..and then my friend Krissy who missed it by a whole half hour..
I dont know what's going on in my life..maybe it's all the time I'm spending trying to make my house a happy house, not really a happy house...but a house of rules a place where we are forced to have rules...which seems lost because no matter what I do they get around it, and then if not then they torment me with freakin bulshit that tears holes in my heart....
I then realized after all of this that I wasn't even sure who to call...to tell someone that I had felt I had failed. that I messed up real bad in my life. that I could not survive these emotions.. that I wasn't eating. that I wasn't sleeping. that I wasn't living. where do i send these emotions?
then I figure in my head. this is my fault..,because I should'n't have left the way i did. I should've tried to deal with these emotions at home...but when I start shaking the way I was I knew I was angry and was going to hit something, say something that would hurt someone and so I had to leave.
But what if I was supposed to say? I couldnt stay...
I didn't even go anywhere or do anything. I mean I just left and cut myself and I didn't cry. I have become emotionless when it comes to crying...tears might well up in my eyes but I'd forbid myself from feeling emotion.
I didn't know who to call....do you know how terrible that is? I mean I didn't know who to call for help.
Im not sure what that means but to me it means that I dont really have that many close friends that I can turn too...and so I did what I had to just to make sure I wouldn't feel anything...
who knows..
so now Im home and Im just realizing no matter what I say or do...nothing changes...and so Ive decided to stop changing...maybe this is where I just change myself....
it's one of those
Lead by example or whatever...
I do things and then maybe they will follow...I just dont know what to do anymore..but Im feeling like Im drawing my last breath...
so I have booked everything for me to be leaving Saturday if the weather is alright..and Im going to see my uncle...
I have had him on my heart for a while now...and so now I've decided that this is the time.. and then I find out he had another mild stroke and that makes me sad....it brings tears to my eyes but again i dont cry...but Im scared...I want to spend every waking minute with my uncle and just show him that I love him..so this trip is not a two way thing...I leave until it's time to come back...I just want to spend time with him..and hope that it'll be enough you know?
well that's all my words that I needed to say...
if anything else...for the first time in years...this has never felt like christmas to me..... I heard this phrase about christmas being about markets selling sky high, and visa bills going out the roof and I realized thats it...we've made christmas into this expansive thing...its no longer about my family but about the sizeable gift we buy those we love.
so I didn't buy anythign for anyone..becaues not only do I not have the money...I just dont want christmas in my life to be about buying gifts...
I was thinking about this....this one amazing christmas I had...back in Ontario..
I was missing the christmas party becaues I came down with the flu...and my friend Angela I think dressed up like santa claus. and my close friends at that time came up the stairs singing and everything...to me that was christmas because I had the dearest friends to me, by my side. and I will never forget that because it was one of the best christmass in my life...because they were the ones that just showed me what christmas was all about...and that's what I loved so much.....I'll never forget that..
good night
Monday, December 15, 2008
recent situations
You Must be the change you want to see in the world (Mohatma Gandhi)
I read this quote at a meeting that I attended and thought wow. you know that's pretty amazing. to have these kinds of quotes floating around.. lol..
It's up to us.. it's like my other favorite quote
"My will shall shape the future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force I can clear any obstacle before me; or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility, win or lose only I hold the key to my destiny."
These sorts of quotes are awesome for someone like me.
The constant need and yearning I have to be positive..think positive.. to really realize Im not as worthless as all these bullshit people say I am.
I've been living my life..in this place...this hole really.. dark..horrible stuff...constantly having people telling me that I can't do anything, I can't succeed and that I am a failure. I do all this stuff to try do well..but I fail.. so now Im just like screw all of everyone Im going to do what I want to do..
So I decided to focus on school and my life that will come with that....I mean really that's all I moved back here for besides my family...but they just torment me..and freakin treat me like a piece of crap..
the only greatest times in my life were when I was working with those people..and although I had my down days...I freakin could not be any happier then being as happy as I was with them. I mean I smiled like I had never smiled before, I met people that I could look up too, and I connected with people who been through terrible shit and still managed to reach their goals and potential.
My counselor said to connect with people that are inspiring, that are positive.. so this past weekend I connected with those people and although at times it was difficult for me...I worked past it..and had fun. laughed..and had fun.
There was one situation I needed help dealing with and tried to find someone that would stand on my side and tell me that even though it was crap to do that it was what I needed to do. and thankfully I never found anyone who could help me with that...and I am glad because... one thing my friend said was that I have been making steps to get better in my life, and if I had made the decision I thought about then I'd be stepping backwards and away from the goals I am trying to reach.
So apart from moments of horror and pain...I have the moments that stay with me...the moments that make me smile..the memories of amazing friends...the idea and hope that I wanted and needed to find...I met some amazing people and can't believe that of all things I have an opportunity to make it just as they did..
as for the upcoming weeks...well I've decided that Im going away and I'd like to go see my uncle.. as difficult as it will be to be there... I know that this is not the time to be picky and that I want to spend time with my uncle...this is the time and this is what I want to do...and I hope that I will find the peace that I need...to mend things with him and just show him an unconditional love...
I leave probably Friday Im not sure yet...but I know that this is what I want to do..and nothing can and will stand in my way. I miss my uncle and I love my uncle and I can't wait till Friday. I just hope that I get to go alone..not have anyone with me because it's harder for me to spend time with my uncle when Im around all these other people.
thats it for now..
later
I read this quote at a meeting that I attended and thought wow. you know that's pretty amazing. to have these kinds of quotes floating around.. lol..
It's up to us.. it's like my other favorite quote
"My will shall shape the future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force I can clear any obstacle before me; or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility, win or lose only I hold the key to my destiny."
These sorts of quotes are awesome for someone like me.
The constant need and yearning I have to be positive..think positive.. to really realize Im not as worthless as all these bullshit people say I am.
I've been living my life..in this place...this hole really.. dark..horrible stuff...constantly having people telling me that I can't do anything, I can't succeed and that I am a failure. I do all this stuff to try do well..but I fail.. so now Im just like screw all of everyone Im going to do what I want to do..
So I decided to focus on school and my life that will come with that....I mean really that's all I moved back here for besides my family...but they just torment me..and freakin treat me like a piece of crap..
the only greatest times in my life were when I was working with those people..and although I had my down days...I freakin could not be any happier then being as happy as I was with them. I mean I smiled like I had never smiled before, I met people that I could look up too, and I connected with people who been through terrible shit and still managed to reach their goals and potential.
My counselor said to connect with people that are inspiring, that are positive.. so this past weekend I connected with those people and although at times it was difficult for me...I worked past it..and had fun. laughed..and had fun.
There was one situation I needed help dealing with and tried to find someone that would stand on my side and tell me that even though it was crap to do that it was what I needed to do. and thankfully I never found anyone who could help me with that...and I am glad because... one thing my friend said was that I have been making steps to get better in my life, and if I had made the decision I thought about then I'd be stepping backwards and away from the goals I am trying to reach.
So apart from moments of horror and pain...I have the moments that stay with me...the moments that make me smile..the memories of amazing friends...the idea and hope that I wanted and needed to find...I met some amazing people and can't believe that of all things I have an opportunity to make it just as they did..
as for the upcoming weeks...well I've decided that Im going away and I'd like to go see my uncle.. as difficult as it will be to be there... I know that this is not the time to be picky and that I want to spend time with my uncle...this is the time and this is what I want to do...and I hope that I will find the peace that I need...to mend things with him and just show him an unconditional love...
I leave probably Friday Im not sure yet...but I know that this is what I want to do..and nothing can and will stand in my way. I miss my uncle and I love my uncle and I can't wait till Friday. I just hope that I get to go alone..not have anyone with me because it's harder for me to spend time with my uncle when Im around all these other people.
thats it for now..
later
Friday, December 12, 2008
feelings in the future
My performance with my Full Circle friends went really well I was really happy to have been part of something great. I met so many amazing people that really were inspiring and encouraging. I loved it more then anything else. I mean it just was like six people getting together to create something great...that's what we did.
I could not have been more happy about that project and hope that more opportunities would come in the future for a play like that. I was inspired and uplifted in my life.
However as it ended...I started to realize the things that I put on hold...I mean I put my life on hold..all my desires of goals and everything were all gone, and my main focus was this workshop I mean it was great..I needed a distraction like although now...I don't know..
There's this movie I had seen... and one thing pops out at me very often at times. i mean I've shared the snake story so many times..that I felt it would be different to say something else..
well this other thing is a piece from the movie I had seen...
A man grabs his brother in frustration, anger, or just every feeling and he said to him "Hit me, Hit me Im suffocating here." and of course the brother hits him...
the major thing that stuck out was his phrase and actions... he grabbed his brother and just screamed hit me hit me...Im suffocating. and it often makes me think of my life..
everything Im doing in my life is good..I mean I have been doing well...but a part of me.. the inner part of me is suffocatting from the pain and torture....my counselor had said I am my own worst enemy...all in my mind Im struggling with everything you know? the decisions in my life.. the things in the future..the memories from the past..choices..decisions..mistakes... and all that stuff..
and when I did cut myself...that's how I felt..I was suffocating...I was lost in a place I could not find my way back..and I screamed out in a way that I've always known how... no knew about that situation actually I dont think I even told anyone.
As for the performace... when it ended and I came home...I was laying on my coach and realized.. what am I going to do? what do I want to do? I mean I want to go to school and everything, I want to get a job...and I just want all these things.. but for right now the main thing is school, but because I missed my appointments with the school I will have to find another program or wait for this program I wish to take... until then I need to find a job that I can be satisfied with..and have the time i need...I mean working with this group just brought something out in me....
its so hard to explain... I felt that I had never laughed so much, or enjoyed people so much. I mean they were inspiring, encouraging, really funny and just uplifting..which is a change in my life you know? I mean right now I struggle with many difficult times in my life and never really have that kind of stuff of goodness, happines.. and that's what I want you know? I mean who wouldn't want to laugh? I mean it was amazing....
When I left...I felt like that part of me that was a part of that died..when it ended... I mean I got off the bus near our house and just started dancing and smiling...Im not really sure why. I figure I was overtired or else I just knew that my life would not be like that ever again..like that kind of comfort, that kind of fun...
It's hard to let go of that.
I had a counselling appointment...and I went but I couldn't smile, I couldn't open myself up there. because there's something..something Im afraid to talk to anyone about.. or even there's also this part of me that's just lost you know? I dont know what to feel right now..how to feel. what to do and how to do it...its hard.
So I figure when I have some things going..I'd like to go visit my uncle for a bit because I've been talking about it for a while..and now I have my last bit of money to get outta town for a bit and just maybe think you know? find some short term goals, find something that makes me happy and just enjoy my life....
well Im off to bed..
good night
I could not have been more happy about that project and hope that more opportunities would come in the future for a play like that. I was inspired and uplifted in my life.
However as it ended...I started to realize the things that I put on hold...I mean I put my life on hold..all my desires of goals and everything were all gone, and my main focus was this workshop I mean it was great..I needed a distraction like although now...I don't know..
There's this movie I had seen... and one thing pops out at me very often at times. i mean I've shared the snake story so many times..that I felt it would be different to say something else..
well this other thing is a piece from the movie I had seen...
A man grabs his brother in frustration, anger, or just every feeling and he said to him "Hit me, Hit me Im suffocating here." and of course the brother hits him...
the major thing that stuck out was his phrase and actions... he grabbed his brother and just screamed hit me hit me...Im suffocating. and it often makes me think of my life..
everything Im doing in my life is good..I mean I have been doing well...but a part of me.. the inner part of me is suffocatting from the pain and torture....my counselor had said I am my own worst enemy...all in my mind Im struggling with everything you know? the decisions in my life.. the things in the future..the memories from the past..choices..decisions..mistakes... and all that stuff..
and when I did cut myself...that's how I felt..I was suffocating...I was lost in a place I could not find my way back..and I screamed out in a way that I've always known how... no knew about that situation actually I dont think I even told anyone.
As for the performace... when it ended and I came home...I was laying on my coach and realized.. what am I going to do? what do I want to do? I mean I want to go to school and everything, I want to get a job...and I just want all these things.. but for right now the main thing is school, but because I missed my appointments with the school I will have to find another program or wait for this program I wish to take... until then I need to find a job that I can be satisfied with..and have the time i need...I mean working with this group just brought something out in me....
its so hard to explain... I felt that I had never laughed so much, or enjoyed people so much. I mean they were inspiring, encouraging, really funny and just uplifting..which is a change in my life you know? I mean right now I struggle with many difficult times in my life and never really have that kind of stuff of goodness, happines.. and that's what I want you know? I mean who wouldn't want to laugh? I mean it was amazing....
When I left...I felt like that part of me that was a part of that died..when it ended... I mean I got off the bus near our house and just started dancing and smiling...Im not really sure why. I figure I was overtired or else I just knew that my life would not be like that ever again..like that kind of comfort, that kind of fun...
It's hard to let go of that.
I had a counselling appointment...and I went but I couldn't smile, I couldn't open myself up there. because there's something..something Im afraid to talk to anyone about.. or even there's also this part of me that's just lost you know? I dont know what to feel right now..how to feel. what to do and how to do it...its hard.
So I figure when I have some things going..I'd like to go visit my uncle for a bit because I've been talking about it for a while..and now I have my last bit of money to get outta town for a bit and just maybe think you know? find some short term goals, find something that makes me happy and just enjoy my life....
well Im off to bed..
good night
Monday, December 8, 2008
low point
I lie awake at night crying my heart out. their words are like words aiming and striking my heart..telling me that I said I would be better, telling me I said I'd be the best sister. Each day Im reminded of how much I've failed how much I've hurt them...
Each day I try my best to grasp onto some kind of glimor of hope, a hope that might just give me a strength, a hope that will allow me to smile again. a hope I wait for to tell me that I will get through this. I search each day looking for a sign, looking for something that says I have been good, that I have been better.
My weak feeble heart has been tarnished, my wounds from their words heal in time until the next time they tell me how horrible I am. I remind myself that if it wasn't this I would be wores... I would be a drug addict I would lose my life to an unfullfilling yearning... I remind myself that these are just children, these are children that torment me. these are children that tell me Im not good enough.
I lie awake with the torment and knowledge that I am in fact a failure. I did not do drugs and I did not die... but I failed because I left!....I Left! to find my destiny and my hope and therefore Im everything I don't want to be and Im everything I cannot change.
No matter how good I get...No matter what I do! The words of him live on, the words of him live on, the wounds she has suffered have become the fierce sword that guts me. makes me unable to stand. unable to fight for myself..unable to live pas all the wounds they make me suffer..
the heartache has beome too great, the pain has pierced me in my inmost being...my hope is non existant I can't shake the thoughts out of my me, I cannot recover from the mass arrows they continue to strike me. my hope..the hope I had is that one day I will be a great leader, one day I'll get through this. as the wounds from these people continue to become infected the idea of a hope in the future continues to dim.... How will I withstand this..how will I make it through...Hope is no longer a word that I know, hope is no longer what I can see....If I see it, it is only in my dreams.. I have failed and am failing...
I am wounded and lost all reason to be here...because the words spoken by these children...these children I came to protect, these are the children I came to care for... these the children that are in fact my brothers and sisters.....
Telling me that I have failed and I have hurt them and I left them years ago even though Im here now to them....................
I am a Ghost!
Each day I try my best to grasp onto some kind of glimor of hope, a hope that might just give me a strength, a hope that will allow me to smile again. a hope I wait for to tell me that I will get through this. I search each day looking for a sign, looking for something that says I have been good, that I have been better.
My weak feeble heart has been tarnished, my wounds from their words heal in time until the next time they tell me how horrible I am. I remind myself that if it wasn't this I would be wores... I would be a drug addict I would lose my life to an unfullfilling yearning... I remind myself that these are just children, these are children that torment me. these are children that tell me Im not good enough.
I lie awake with the torment and knowledge that I am in fact a failure. I did not do drugs and I did not die... but I failed because I left!....I Left! to find my destiny and my hope and therefore Im everything I don't want to be and Im everything I cannot change.
No matter how good I get...No matter what I do! The words of him live on, the words of him live on, the wounds she has suffered have become the fierce sword that guts me. makes me unable to stand. unable to fight for myself..unable to live pas all the wounds they make me suffer..
the heartache has beome too great, the pain has pierced me in my inmost being...my hope is non existant I can't shake the thoughts out of my me, I cannot recover from the mass arrows they continue to strike me. my hope..the hope I had is that one day I will be a great leader, one day I'll get through this. as the wounds from these people continue to become infected the idea of a hope in the future continues to dim.... How will I withstand this..how will I make it through...Hope is no longer a word that I know, hope is no longer what I can see....If I see it, it is only in my dreams.. I have failed and am failing...
I am wounded and lost all reason to be here...because the words spoken by these children...these children I came to protect, these are the children I came to care for... these the children that are in fact my brothers and sisters.....
Telling me that I have failed and I have hurt them and I left them years ago even though Im here now to them....................
I am a Ghost!
attitude and life
I started off the day with fighting/ screaming arguing and frustrated as hell..I mean its the beginning of the week yeah I dont know where my life is going. and I dont know what Im going to be doing. and then having my family issues come into my life and really just destroy me.
I went to the workshop with the pooriest attitude ever. I was frustrated and I felt like I had been carrying the whole world on my shoulders and that I was just going to be destroyed if anything else would just push me over the edge. of course that piece did come because I always end up being destroyed in the end... it was frustrating I wanted to walk out of the workshop because I knew that my attitude and mind were completely in different places.
After the workshop I literally was leaving and just thinking of my life and how messed up things are for me you know? So I decided the only way to deal with that was to go where I often go in times like this.
I went to Main and Hastings "Skidrow" this place reminds me of why Im living. why Im breathing....
YOu know...like the place the reminds me of why Im alive. why I decided to stay alive, why I decided to fight..why I decided that death is not the place for me. why I decided that I could not handle anything doesn't mean I have to give up.
I was thrown in a place like this...and then in those moments...
those moments when my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking and its a fear but not an actual fear it's more of a remorse...or something...when I realize where I am at and where everyone else's at...
you know you could go to Waterfront station and see a life of amount of people just walking, and sitting, and then you can go to Main and Hastings and same thing...however these are not people..these are the walking dead...these are the reason that we should be thankful for our lives.. I mean seriously....
Do you know that I could've been one of those people? I could've been a drug addict. I could've been a prostitute..most of my friends back then became that and if not then most of my friends thought I'd become like that..so it's like it was put in the stars for me to fail in my life..but I didn.t I survived...
So you wonder...you know?
When I get that close to death..that close to everything that could destroy me...what goes through my mind?
I realize that my life's problem things that are trying to destroy me...are things that don't even compare to those who are dying down there...those that are suffering so much pain.. those that are craving..desiring..yearning and dying from the very thing they believe they should be living for.
so in comparision my life's problems these issues are nothing and Im making too big a deal about this....I can't believe it...and Im so glad that I can go there...and that I can be there... and see that even though it brings tears to my eyes..it hurts me..it makes me cry but I still like it because it reminds me that I AM NOT DEAD YET!
so I hope with my experience I'll be able to find myself and find things going more smoothly in the near future....
thanks
I went to the workshop with the pooriest attitude ever. I was frustrated and I felt like I had been carrying the whole world on my shoulders and that I was just going to be destroyed if anything else would just push me over the edge. of course that piece did come because I always end up being destroyed in the end... it was frustrating I wanted to walk out of the workshop because I knew that my attitude and mind were completely in different places.
After the workshop I literally was leaving and just thinking of my life and how messed up things are for me you know? So I decided the only way to deal with that was to go where I often go in times like this.
I went to Main and Hastings "Skidrow" this place reminds me of why Im living. why Im breathing....
YOu know...like the place the reminds me of why Im alive. why I decided to stay alive, why I decided to fight..why I decided that death is not the place for me. why I decided that I could not handle anything doesn't mean I have to give up.
I was thrown in a place like this...and then in those moments...
those moments when my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking and its a fear but not an actual fear it's more of a remorse...or something...when I realize where I am at and where everyone else's at...
you know you could go to Waterfront station and see a life of amount of people just walking, and sitting, and then you can go to Main and Hastings and same thing...however these are not people..these are the walking dead...these are the reason that we should be thankful for our lives.. I mean seriously....
Do you know that I could've been one of those people? I could've been a drug addict. I could've been a prostitute..most of my friends back then became that and if not then most of my friends thought I'd become like that..so it's like it was put in the stars for me to fail in my life..but I didn.t I survived...
So you wonder...you know?
When I get that close to death..that close to everything that could destroy me...what goes through my mind?
I realize that my life's problem things that are trying to destroy me...are things that don't even compare to those who are dying down there...those that are suffering so much pain.. those that are craving..desiring..yearning and dying from the very thing they believe they should be living for.
so in comparision my life's problems these issues are nothing and Im making too big a deal about this....I can't believe it...and Im so glad that I can go there...and that I can be there... and see that even though it brings tears to my eyes..it hurts me..it makes me cry but I still like it because it reminds me that I AM NOT DEAD YET!
so I hope with my experience I'll be able to find myself and find things going more smoothly in the near future....
thanks
Sunday, December 7, 2008
day off
I was just thinking about some things... Do you know how easy it is for someone to fall apart? I mean that like say like myself I haven't drank in five weeks...do you know how easy it is for me to go out to a party or bar and just start drinking? Yet to go to those things and not drink is so much more courageous..but it's one of those things if you play with fire too much then you'll get burned you know what Im saying?
I went to my cousins because it was his birthday and Im not close to him but my other cousin wanted me to go with him for a bit. I had one sip of their drink and one sip of another drink but then I was like nope Im not drinking..those two sips were like 'oh if jess isn't drinking dadada' like it was a pressure thing and then it was 'well it's your cousins birthday you have to have a drink for him' thankfully they forgot about that after I had taken the drink. It was really hard though you know? I mean i could've easily drank everything just threw it all down and gotten wasted...but I didn't want too you know? it was my intention to be there and chill with everyone..but my desire was not for drinking.all's I thought about was my family and how much I wanted to be home...
I dont know...I mean I had one drink or sip...in five weeks...so I feel like I've accomplished something in someway.
However in the midst of that.. I did what I did not want to do.
How do I explain this? I can't explain it in a way that anyone will understand. I decided that since I was being haunted by the thoughts of cutting, and it continued to come up I decided to do it...because the ache for it became unbearable..and it seemed like in my head everyone was constantly getting mad at me when it wasn't that way at all, it just felt that way..like i needed a reason to cut you know? so either way I fell from that...not harshly thankfully. I tried my best. i made it five weeks with that too.
Im more thinking of it as I just need to figure out the things that happened from that that caused me to feel that strong desire...and try find some new ways of avoiding that happening again.
other then all this stuff...this workshop seems to be going pretty good. I mean I feel so much more comfortable with everyone and more opportunity to just laugh...something Im definetly not used too..I mean there is something about this group that just brings a smile outta me. it's been really awesome becaues it's healing you know? yet at the same time Im not talking about the important things in life, Im hiding the things that are bothering me, hiding the destructiveness of my life. Im afraid what might happen to me if I decided to say anything...I mean it's not important to these people you know? these people are like co-workers it's not like we all stay and chat and catch up...its not like any of them know me..how can you truly know someone from working with them in 6 days? I dont know..
either way the workshop is going better. I feel more confident and less afraid. I am trying to bring out more of myself into this thing, trying to keep myself open for opportunity. trying to move with beter rhythm and all that stuff...
I just hope it's going to be great..and that we find a great place to be because Im really excited for it..
well that's pretty much it..and Im really just hoping to figure my life out after this is done you know? I mean I have so much to figure out..school and all that..this was just a opportunity for growth in my life..as well as some extra cash to be able to pay for everything...
anyhow...it's morning an I just wanted to share...
ttyl
I went to my cousins because it was his birthday and Im not close to him but my other cousin wanted me to go with him for a bit. I had one sip of their drink and one sip of another drink but then I was like nope Im not drinking..those two sips were like 'oh if jess isn't drinking dadada' like it was a pressure thing and then it was 'well it's your cousins birthday you have to have a drink for him' thankfully they forgot about that after I had taken the drink. It was really hard though you know? I mean i could've easily drank everything just threw it all down and gotten wasted...but I didn't want too you know? it was my intention to be there and chill with everyone..but my desire was not for drinking.all's I thought about was my family and how much I wanted to be home...
I dont know...I mean I had one drink or sip...in five weeks...so I feel like I've accomplished something in someway.
However in the midst of that.. I did what I did not want to do.
How do I explain this? I can't explain it in a way that anyone will understand. I decided that since I was being haunted by the thoughts of cutting, and it continued to come up I decided to do it...because the ache for it became unbearable..and it seemed like in my head everyone was constantly getting mad at me when it wasn't that way at all, it just felt that way..like i needed a reason to cut you know? so either way I fell from that...not harshly thankfully. I tried my best. i made it five weeks with that too.
Im more thinking of it as I just need to figure out the things that happened from that that caused me to feel that strong desire...and try find some new ways of avoiding that happening again.
other then all this stuff...this workshop seems to be going pretty good. I mean I feel so much more comfortable with everyone and more opportunity to just laugh...something Im definetly not used too..I mean there is something about this group that just brings a smile outta me. it's been really awesome becaues it's healing you know? yet at the same time Im not talking about the important things in life, Im hiding the things that are bothering me, hiding the destructiveness of my life. Im afraid what might happen to me if I decided to say anything...I mean it's not important to these people you know? these people are like co-workers it's not like we all stay and chat and catch up...its not like any of them know me..how can you truly know someone from working with them in 6 days? I dont know..
either way the workshop is going better. I feel more confident and less afraid. I am trying to bring out more of myself into this thing, trying to keep myself open for opportunity. trying to move with beter rhythm and all that stuff...
I just hope it's going to be great..and that we find a great place to be because Im really excited for it..
well that's pretty much it..and Im really just hoping to figure my life out after this is done you know? I mean I have so much to figure out..school and all that..this was just a opportunity for growth in my life..as well as some extra cash to be able to pay for everything...
anyhow...it's morning an I just wanted to share...
ttyl
Thursday, December 4, 2008
failing in some way
Where do I begin? the last time I wrote I said I was struggling with strong desires that seemed to overpower me at times. especially when it came to emotional crisis, or even just frustration...feelings of inadequacy.
I guess with the determination and desire felt within me caused me to do things I wish I did not. act in ways I wish i could not remember.
In other words I failed...the feelings were strong...the support was lacking. and even then who was I to reach out too in this time? so I did what I craved to do, desired and needed to do.
It was great because I made it four weeks without it and survived somewhat...and so even though i failed I just have to find new habits, new desires..and all that and maybe I'll do better next time.
the workshop thing Im doing is going alright. a little strange I dont really feel part of the group, I feel like a bystander to the group...but that's partly my fault because im so unsure of the whole situation and everything it's hard to figure out where it all goes and how it all happens..
anyhow...
I can't write much longer..the kids are back....
try again when I have more time.
night
I guess with the determination and desire felt within me caused me to do things I wish I did not. act in ways I wish i could not remember.
In other words I failed...the feelings were strong...the support was lacking. and even then who was I to reach out too in this time? so I did what I craved to do, desired and needed to do.
It was great because I made it four weeks without it and survived somewhat...and so even though i failed I just have to find new habits, new desires..and all that and maybe I'll do better next time.
the workshop thing Im doing is going alright. a little strange I dont really feel part of the group, I feel like a bystander to the group...but that's partly my fault because im so unsure of the whole situation and everything it's hard to figure out where it all goes and how it all happens..
anyhow...
I can't write much longer..the kids are back....
try again when I have more time.
night
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
unsure territory
It's hard to figure out where to begin...I guess with the starting of this week. I started attending a workshop..something that I didn't think I'd be interested in but it was as a favor to my great inspiration and friend Margo.
since attending the workshop I've found myself in this place in my mind where Im trying to act everything....haha... I catch myself walking down the street imitating something I'm listenning too or just thinking...I started singing terribly when Im wanting to embarass myself..
However apart from this workshop...
My schedule has had to change and change...and hope that it is done with change.
It's hard to figure out what to say... I mean today I sat at my seat just listenning not intently.. and then I looked at the vicious villian...I looked at my arm.. memories of past events that have tormented me to the point of self-abuse... Im not sure what it was that caused me to get upset.. but when I left my workshop I was on my way home with one intention..to hurt myself.. it has been five weeks since I have drank, five weeks since I cut myself..and today was the first day that I felt so low for some reason...
I actually figured..it might be about how I feel in this workshop...my lack of imput..and my lack of participation or being able to understand what's going on...I felt inadequate...and any time I feel like that..cutting is the first thing to save me from everything...I mean if any feeling is not worth feeling in any way shape of form it's inadequate...
I hate that feeling adn when I feel that way i never know how to drive it away from me. and so I cut...
however... I came home...tried so much to forget it..but all's I heard was the fighting..the fighting of my brothers adn sisters...the arguing..the yelling..screaming...I can't have one moment alone where I can just rest..I have to come home and work to even rest...so constantly working...
well we were invited to go to get some ice-cream..so we all went....
Of course the fighting, and arguing continued...and an incident happened...and my brother, my youngest sister an I were all crying for different reasons... accidents..or something like that.. but me...I was crying because I am growing tired of this family...I mean I can't come home and rest I can't comehome and just enjoy the company of my family.. Im forced to yell and scream... demand everything..and I can't just rest I have five people coming to me with complaints that Im expected to deal with... I felt like cutting off my own head..and the thoughts of cutting continued after that strongly more then anything...because more and more my youngest sister finds the words...
I really don't want to say this...but her father...one way he used to torment me, torture me and wound me...was when he'd play on my weaknesses...like my dad being dead..he'd really emphasize on the way my father died..as if to say my dad committed suicide or that my dad was an idiot or something..
well my youngest sister..has that same quality..when she gets upset with me...she plays on words I've said...about wanting to be a better sister, wanting to stop drinking...wanting to be a better person, make better choices...because for me..I find it important for them to know where I am at in my life..but my youngest sister brings up the pain of the past and throws it in my face as if to say that I'll never change and that Im stupid. Im inadequate.
so I cried....
I cried....
I cried...................
We got to the place..and I walked away... i could not believe how much a little child can make me feel so horrible...but it's not her..it's everything else...the emotions of my life..the turmoil of all this bull is piling up on me...as if to say Im the king. Im superman and Im expected to solve every problem in everyone else' life because it's me..Im the parent...apparently I gave birth to four children that I never knew about... apparently I am the father and mother to all these kids.. yet these kids are my brothers and sisters...being raised by me..and they well just my youngest sister is the only one disobeying me.... the rest have respect to understand I do these things for their own good...
YET IN THE END WHY AM I PLAYING THIS ROLE!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I stop being the father/mother.. why can't I just be the sister...why do I have to be the one that gets the chores done...the laundry done...the computer use...the sleep times.. the time at this and that...like seriously...Im losing my mind...
an for the first time in five weeks I wanted to cut....I mean I've thought about it often at times before but this time was worse..>I was planning it out..I wanted to do it...and I was going to but I dont want to you know>?>>>> I dont want to but I want too..I crave it I desire it I need it.. but I dont and so I contimplate all these thoughts..of could' haves the should haves...the yes', the no's.. everything..and Im still in this boat..
more like an edge of a cliff trying to hold onto any hope that I have...any humilty I have..and yet calling out for help seems so immovable..so prideful...my pride my stubborness.. i can't tell people how I feel...what would they say? they'd tell me I was crazy or something...
I dont cut because it's just something to do..believe me I wish I hadn't..and all these scars have become vicious villians in mylife...vicious villian that torments me in times of everything..it's always there and I hate it..and Im struggling so much more then I've struggled before and Im so scared...and I know that the only way...,is to write it out...
I wish that I could stop...because Im doing things I dont want too..I dont want to do it.. I want to live..I want to make it longer without cutting..I wanted to keep my body beautiful..I dont want it anymore...but it's......................
it's killing me with this dark side of me calling to it..yearning for it... a drug addict with the needle in hand just getting the string around their arm...just on the verge of doing it...just cooking it up and just about to do it...
Im losing my mind with these thoughts..if I dont find a place for them soon I know what will happen and yet....I dont know how or who..or what...or why..I just know it's there.. sitting lingering in my head...ready to torture me..in my sleep...in my walks..in my attitude..in my life until the relief...until it's done...
what the heck.!
since attending the workshop I've found myself in this place in my mind where Im trying to act everything....haha... I catch myself walking down the street imitating something I'm listenning too or just thinking...I started singing terribly when Im wanting to embarass myself..
However apart from this workshop...
My schedule has had to change and change...and hope that it is done with change.
It's hard to figure out what to say... I mean today I sat at my seat just listenning not intently.. and then I looked at the vicious villian...I looked at my arm.. memories of past events that have tormented me to the point of self-abuse... Im not sure what it was that caused me to get upset.. but when I left my workshop I was on my way home with one intention..to hurt myself.. it has been five weeks since I have drank, five weeks since I cut myself..and today was the first day that I felt so low for some reason...
I actually figured..it might be about how I feel in this workshop...my lack of imput..and my lack of participation or being able to understand what's going on...I felt inadequate...and any time I feel like that..cutting is the first thing to save me from everything...I mean if any feeling is not worth feeling in any way shape of form it's inadequate...
I hate that feeling adn when I feel that way i never know how to drive it away from me. and so I cut...
however... I came home...tried so much to forget it..but all's I heard was the fighting..the fighting of my brothers adn sisters...the arguing..the yelling..screaming...I can't have one moment alone where I can just rest..I have to come home and work to even rest...so constantly working...
well we were invited to go to get some ice-cream..so we all went....
Of course the fighting, and arguing continued...and an incident happened...and my brother, my youngest sister an I were all crying for different reasons... accidents..or something like that.. but me...I was crying because I am growing tired of this family...I mean I can't come home and rest I can't comehome and just enjoy the company of my family.. Im forced to yell and scream... demand everything..and I can't just rest I have five people coming to me with complaints that Im expected to deal with... I felt like cutting off my own head..and the thoughts of cutting continued after that strongly more then anything...because more and more my youngest sister finds the words...
I really don't want to say this...but her father...one way he used to torment me, torture me and wound me...was when he'd play on my weaknesses...like my dad being dead..he'd really emphasize on the way my father died..as if to say my dad committed suicide or that my dad was an idiot or something..
well my youngest sister..has that same quality..when she gets upset with me...she plays on words I've said...about wanting to be a better sister, wanting to stop drinking...wanting to be a better person, make better choices...because for me..I find it important for them to know where I am at in my life..but my youngest sister brings up the pain of the past and throws it in my face as if to say that I'll never change and that Im stupid. Im inadequate.
so I cried....
I cried....
I cried...................
We got to the place..and I walked away... i could not believe how much a little child can make me feel so horrible...but it's not her..it's everything else...the emotions of my life..the turmoil of all this bull is piling up on me...as if to say Im the king. Im superman and Im expected to solve every problem in everyone else' life because it's me..Im the parent...apparently I gave birth to four children that I never knew about... apparently I am the father and mother to all these kids.. yet these kids are my brothers and sisters...being raised by me..and they well just my youngest sister is the only one disobeying me.... the rest have respect to understand I do these things for their own good...
YET IN THE END WHY AM I PLAYING THIS ROLE!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I stop being the father/mother.. why can't I just be the sister...why do I have to be the one that gets the chores done...the laundry done...the computer use...the sleep times.. the time at this and that...like seriously...Im losing my mind...
an for the first time in five weeks I wanted to cut....I mean I've thought about it often at times before but this time was worse..>I was planning it out..I wanted to do it...and I was going to but I dont want to you know>?>>>> I dont want to but I want too..I crave it I desire it I need it.. but I dont and so I contimplate all these thoughts..of could' haves the should haves...the yes', the no's.. everything..and Im still in this boat..
more like an edge of a cliff trying to hold onto any hope that I have...any humilty I have..and yet calling out for help seems so immovable..so prideful...my pride my stubborness.. i can't tell people how I feel...what would they say? they'd tell me I was crazy or something...
I dont cut because it's just something to do..believe me I wish I hadn't..and all these scars have become vicious villians in mylife...vicious villian that torments me in times of everything..it's always there and I hate it..and Im struggling so much more then I've struggled before and Im so scared...and I know that the only way...,is to write it out...
I wish that I could stop...because Im doing things I dont want too..I dont want to do it.. I want to live..I want to make it longer without cutting..I wanted to keep my body beautiful..I dont want it anymore...but it's......................
it's killing me with this dark side of me calling to it..yearning for it... a drug addict with the needle in hand just getting the string around their arm...just on the verge of doing it...just cooking it up and just about to do it...
Im losing my mind with these thoughts..if I dont find a place for them soon I know what will happen and yet....I dont know how or who..or what...or why..I just know it's there.. sitting lingering in my head...ready to torture me..in my sleep...in my walks..in my attitude..in my life until the relief...until it's done...
what the heck.!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
too high
Where do I even begin?
I have applications to a program that I would love to take in January but time wise I have no time..and now I am helping a friend out with an idea for the next ten days.
I mean for me this experience in itself will be interesting. Im in a workshop with some other people more creative people and yet Im in it...Not too sure why but it'll be an interesting experience... Im excited to see what happens to it and if anything will happen to it.
I met with margo kane..she's the friend that gave me the job, or the one that needed some help with this workshop... I must say how amazing it was to be able to meet her and through her meeting many other wonderful people...the only thing is the experiences, or even not the experiences but the difference between myself and all of them... it's like Im in a place that I don't belong...but it's only because I've never done something like this before so maybe it'll be a good thing...
I have to talk about this one thing.....and I dont want too...
the relationship that ended so viciouslly...well it's not reconciled however there are so many explanations and reasons and everything....it's honestly got me thinking but yet then I hear what my counselor said about the whole thing and I realize I can't do this... I mean.. I just can't.. but it's so tempting..the familiarility..and the confidence..the love all of that is there.. but at the same time there's only downsides to this and there's only pain that will rip me to pieces.
Its too difficult to be on the phone with them..and try not be the person that I was when I was in the relationship...to say nothing...or act in no way that is turning point of me feeling anything.. but yet how can I deny those feelings? I deny them by remembering the decisions my love made a month ago....the decisions and choices that destroyed my world, helped that relationship grow apart...
Its hard though...if I can just say that... I mean when the phone rings..the voice..the laugh.. the love its all there and yet...the pain lingers...the pain reminds me of the pain I never want to feel again...
however... theres just I mean..I just need to focus on my life..and not on the lives of those I want to love..because I honestly have so much on my plate..and now that I have no real job and all this opportunity it's time for me to focus on that...even if there's still the love there and everything...I just have to let it go...my worst thing...my worst quality is letting things go. I fail at it becaues I can't help but love..and hold on...
well I dont know what else I can say...
this project for the next ten days will be a new experience a fun experience I hope. the only thing I really want is to speak up..find some creativity to just be able to voice whatever I can. and particpate well in this thing... and just do my best...and be the best... and make new amazing friends because that'll really be awesome...
that's pretty much it for now....
maybe later...i'll have something to talk about
I have applications to a program that I would love to take in January but time wise I have no time..and now I am helping a friend out with an idea for the next ten days.
I mean for me this experience in itself will be interesting. Im in a workshop with some other people more creative people and yet Im in it...Not too sure why but it'll be an interesting experience... Im excited to see what happens to it and if anything will happen to it.
I met with margo kane..she's the friend that gave me the job, or the one that needed some help with this workshop... I must say how amazing it was to be able to meet her and through her meeting many other wonderful people...the only thing is the experiences, or even not the experiences but the difference between myself and all of them... it's like Im in a place that I don't belong...but it's only because I've never done something like this before so maybe it'll be a good thing...
I have to talk about this one thing.....and I dont want too...
the relationship that ended so viciouslly...well it's not reconciled however there are so many explanations and reasons and everything....it's honestly got me thinking but yet then I hear what my counselor said about the whole thing and I realize I can't do this... I mean.. I just can't.. but it's so tempting..the familiarility..and the confidence..the love all of that is there.. but at the same time there's only downsides to this and there's only pain that will rip me to pieces.
Its too difficult to be on the phone with them..and try not be the person that I was when I was in the relationship...to say nothing...or act in no way that is turning point of me feeling anything.. but yet how can I deny those feelings? I deny them by remembering the decisions my love made a month ago....the decisions and choices that destroyed my world, helped that relationship grow apart...
Its hard though...if I can just say that... I mean when the phone rings..the voice..the laugh.. the love its all there and yet...the pain lingers...the pain reminds me of the pain I never want to feel again...
however... theres just I mean..I just need to focus on my life..and not on the lives of those I want to love..because I honestly have so much on my plate..and now that I have no real job and all this opportunity it's time for me to focus on that...even if there's still the love there and everything...I just have to let it go...my worst thing...my worst quality is letting things go. I fail at it becaues I can't help but love..and hold on...
well I dont know what else I can say...
this project for the next ten days will be a new experience a fun experience I hope. the only thing I really want is to speak up..find some creativity to just be able to voice whatever I can. and particpate well in this thing... and just do my best...and be the best... and make new amazing friends because that'll really be awesome...
that's pretty much it for now....
maybe later...i'll have something to talk about
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
new chapter
A new chapter has opened in my life. although many close friends and family members were concerned of my financial situation..lets face it I was terrifed of the choice I had made in quitting my job.
However it's the first day that I've been checking out schools and Im applying for one on Thursday and hope to start if i get accepted in January. It's a long haul...or short turn.. I mean it's short notice but the long haul I hope will be quick...cause if I get accepted I'll be moving out of Vancouver.
It's scary to think that it's been a year since I've been home...
This past year I have been in a relationship twice.
I've watched many of my family and friends die, or have loved ones die...I've had those same poeple make poor living decisions...
I myself...have attempted to make a bad decision... I try to forget it but it comes up in my head so often.
I mean it's not everyday that someone like me can get into life so bad that I'd decide something like that. Im disappointed in myself. but my counselor said I should look at the fact I didn't do it..But peoples knowing me..know I'll be ten times harder on myself then I should be.
this relationship tore me to shreads...ripped every piece of my pride and love for life..all went away when they left...but something else seemed to have birthed from such tragedies in my life.
A zeal to survive... not for others...not for what others want for my life...but what I want for my life...
To do things in my own...to attend school...to do what I have to do so that I can survive....so that I can find the strength in my life to stay away from things...not have others carry that burden for me...
It gets me thinking alot though....
It's been three weeks now since all the life of my life went down the drain...I made a poor decision or attempted to make a poor decision and instead it gave me a different perspective. Im not sure what it was...but I figure it to be the rock bottom of my life... realizing that all my existance I said I'd never do drugs again and there I was fighting to do it...I didn't do it.. but after that night..it changed everything...
I stopped hanging and chatting with those who influence me to drink...and when I personally get that urge with no one to help I turn to my brothers and sisters...keep me on my toes.
As for College..Im terrifed of what it will look like you know? not a lot of people in my family have gone through that sort of thing..however to me it's like Im the generation thats leading others as often people have said...and I want to go to College and I pray that all my brothers and sisters and family members, friends I hope they all follow...because i am greater than this you know?
Im greater then going out on Friday and Saturday night to get wasted..punking my guts out and being hungover for days. Im greater then cutting..this passion I've had for it..this passion as a drug addict needs their next hit..is how I felt about cutting..i felt I could not live my life..I felt that I'd get angier or meaner, sadder when I did not cut... it was a drug to me...it was the reason I felt I had stayed sain.
I come to realize the vicious villian...
As I've talked about so many times...
the snake and it's prey...the snake wraps itself around its prey and squeezes the life out of it before eating it whole...
my life was consumed by drinking, cutting and other things... it got real bad at times. and to me it was like I was the prey...my life was being sucked out of me..my air..my breath.. my hope, my dreams..everything was just going away...
after that attempted bad decision..it's like the grip just loosened and I felt I realized what was important in my life...
I can't sleep though....nights continue on..and yet I can't sleep... I worry about the day to day of my life. I work at times but not as often.I get paid more money at this new job but I work when I can...and because of all the College help.like going to the College's to get help to fill out applications..talking to people..travelling and all that...it's every other day...which is fine because the most I guess I need to pay for are the College Application fees...although for one program I need a licence so Im going to be working towards that too.
Its strange....
the pain still lingers in my heart...but I've learned to live with it you know? A break up is painful and the memories are so hard to forget.the love is so hard to detouriate and everything.. but there's some way to live through it you know? there's some way to live with that pain and just not hide it or anything..but not allow it to ruin everything good about me...
I didn't think I'd really get through a break-up like that...something so much more then a relationship it's so hard to explain...but it was real..and it was really amazing... and then it ended and it could've destroyed me you know? it couldve let me crawl in a hole and die...
But me being me..I'd never let that happen...
it's all in time...
there's a new chapter of my life just beginning ;)
However it's the first day that I've been checking out schools and Im applying for one on Thursday and hope to start if i get accepted in January. It's a long haul...or short turn.. I mean it's short notice but the long haul I hope will be quick...cause if I get accepted I'll be moving out of Vancouver.
It's scary to think that it's been a year since I've been home...
This past year I have been in a relationship twice.
I've watched many of my family and friends die, or have loved ones die...I've had those same poeple make poor living decisions...
I myself...have attempted to make a bad decision... I try to forget it but it comes up in my head so often.
I mean it's not everyday that someone like me can get into life so bad that I'd decide something like that. Im disappointed in myself. but my counselor said I should look at the fact I didn't do it..But peoples knowing me..know I'll be ten times harder on myself then I should be.
this relationship tore me to shreads...ripped every piece of my pride and love for life..all went away when they left...but something else seemed to have birthed from such tragedies in my life.
A zeal to survive... not for others...not for what others want for my life...but what I want for my life...
To do things in my own...to attend school...to do what I have to do so that I can survive....so that I can find the strength in my life to stay away from things...not have others carry that burden for me...
It gets me thinking alot though....
It's been three weeks now since all the life of my life went down the drain...I made a poor decision or attempted to make a poor decision and instead it gave me a different perspective. Im not sure what it was...but I figure it to be the rock bottom of my life... realizing that all my existance I said I'd never do drugs again and there I was fighting to do it...I didn't do it.. but after that night..it changed everything...
I stopped hanging and chatting with those who influence me to drink...and when I personally get that urge with no one to help I turn to my brothers and sisters...keep me on my toes.
As for College..Im terrifed of what it will look like you know? not a lot of people in my family have gone through that sort of thing..however to me it's like Im the generation thats leading others as often people have said...and I want to go to College and I pray that all my brothers and sisters and family members, friends I hope they all follow...because i am greater than this you know?
Im greater then going out on Friday and Saturday night to get wasted..punking my guts out and being hungover for days. Im greater then cutting..this passion I've had for it..this passion as a drug addict needs their next hit..is how I felt about cutting..i felt I could not live my life..I felt that I'd get angier or meaner, sadder when I did not cut... it was a drug to me...it was the reason I felt I had stayed sain.
I come to realize the vicious villian...
As I've talked about so many times...
the snake and it's prey...the snake wraps itself around its prey and squeezes the life out of it before eating it whole...
my life was consumed by drinking, cutting and other things... it got real bad at times. and to me it was like I was the prey...my life was being sucked out of me..my air..my breath.. my hope, my dreams..everything was just going away...
after that attempted bad decision..it's like the grip just loosened and I felt I realized what was important in my life...
I can't sleep though....nights continue on..and yet I can't sleep... I worry about the day to day of my life. I work at times but not as often.I get paid more money at this new job but I work when I can...and because of all the College help.like going to the College's to get help to fill out applications..talking to people..travelling and all that...it's every other day...which is fine because the most I guess I need to pay for are the College Application fees...although for one program I need a licence so Im going to be working towards that too.
Its strange....
the pain still lingers in my heart...but I've learned to live with it you know? A break up is painful and the memories are so hard to forget.the love is so hard to detouriate and everything.. but there's some way to live through it you know? there's some way to live with that pain and just not hide it or anything..but not allow it to ruin everything good about me...
I didn't think I'd really get through a break-up like that...something so much more then a relationship it's so hard to explain...but it was real..and it was really amazing... and then it ended and it could've destroyed me you know? it couldve let me crawl in a hole and die...
But me being me..I'd never let that happen...
it's all in time...
there's a new chapter of my life just beginning ;)
Friday, November 21, 2008
I quit
Out of an impulse of frustration and stupidity. I decided to quit my job. today is my last day. I am frustrated about the idea of working. I mean I was working to pay off bills I paid off little to nothing. I would get really good in my bills and then my mom would use up my money.
what's the point of working? yeah I know new chain, new clothes, new shoes..etc...but it's not what Im working for.
I want to have an education. so starting next week I'll be applying to College. I want to work at a place that allows me to have a career job, a job I always wanted..not just a temporary thing that has got me no where in life. I got my raise at this job but it's .50 cents.. im not up for working at this job when I could be in College doing what's important to me.
there are a lot of other reasons for quitting but the major one is that I want to look forward to my future of life...not living in the now you know? I mean I am glad for all the things I have but it's not what I want to live my life for...I can hardly survive at my job doing this thing..I mean I don't make enough money to be living on my own, and I dont make enough money to support myself and my bills...
I know school would be more challenging and I actually would rather be in school then anything else...
Lots of people are telling me that I've made the wrong decision however....in my head I see the things I should be doing in life.. I've got good support system for me and good people who are helping me....they may not approve what Im doing but I know that I need to start looking at the future events of my life...and not always trying to survive on a low salary.
Its my choice, my responsibility my decision. if anything when I do need money I'll do a temp work for the day.
it's frustratin also because everyone said I should wait till after Christmas but I can't do that either...I mean the school I want to apply too said they'd take people in the early new year. and then I have some other opportunities...and it just seems like this is what I want to do...
Im scared about this decision but Im confident that I can do this....
anyhow...Im off this is my last day of work....I dont even want to go but I said I would... as this is my last day of work....
see how it goes...
i think also with this decision it'll cause some more thoughts and emotions with my lost love because my work kept me occupied and I didn't have time to think...so that's something I'll worry about...but once I get things rolling with school...I'll be on the road to success...
ttyl
what's the point of working? yeah I know new chain, new clothes, new shoes..etc...but it's not what Im working for.
I want to have an education. so starting next week I'll be applying to College. I want to work at a place that allows me to have a career job, a job I always wanted..not just a temporary thing that has got me no where in life. I got my raise at this job but it's .50 cents.. im not up for working at this job when I could be in College doing what's important to me.
there are a lot of other reasons for quitting but the major one is that I want to look forward to my future of life...not living in the now you know? I mean I am glad for all the things I have but it's not what I want to live my life for...I can hardly survive at my job doing this thing..I mean I don't make enough money to be living on my own, and I dont make enough money to support myself and my bills...
I know school would be more challenging and I actually would rather be in school then anything else...
Lots of people are telling me that I've made the wrong decision however....in my head I see the things I should be doing in life.. I've got good support system for me and good people who are helping me....they may not approve what Im doing but I know that I need to start looking at the future events of my life...and not always trying to survive on a low salary.
Its my choice, my responsibility my decision. if anything when I do need money I'll do a temp work for the day.
it's frustratin also because everyone said I should wait till after Christmas but I can't do that either...I mean the school I want to apply too said they'd take people in the early new year. and then I have some other opportunities...and it just seems like this is what I want to do...
Im scared about this decision but Im confident that I can do this....
anyhow...Im off this is my last day of work....I dont even want to go but I said I would... as this is my last day of work....
see how it goes...
i think also with this decision it'll cause some more thoughts and emotions with my lost love because my work kept me occupied and I didn't have time to think...so that's something I'll worry about...but once I get things rolling with school...I'll be on the road to success...
ttyl
Thursday, November 20, 2008
hard to say goodbye
regardless that Im in a place where I've never felt so wounded from the past...Im trying to let go..
I had dedicated myself to my love...I had written crazy stuff of how sick in love I was...
Its proven that I was right...the fall from something so great is so painful and seems to be so difficult to even think of letting go....however I've learned some valuable lessons....that my love.. taught me some things... taught me about love..this love... I mean when I was in this relationship I dedicated to greatness... I stopped doing things I normally struggled with...
when my love told me that my cutting had effected the relationship...after nearly a year of doing it I stopped a few months ago with a few mishaps here and there....
When my love said I shouldn't be hanging out with ex-boyfriends/girlfriends...I stopped that too. I mean even writing....
I was a prefectionist at writing...and I loved reading them to my love...
I guess the major thing for me was the cutting... Im sad that I've let something like that go. but after the many scars and wounds on my body...I realized the monster that had enveloped me. the vicious villian the began to destroy me little by little...
I was so comfortable at times....that I even cried in the arms of my love... something I dont do. I'm not an emotional person...but with this relationship it had opened areas in my life that I had never seen before...
I had songs and words of greatness dedicated to my love....
now that it's all gone....Its more difficult for me to be alive...more to difficult to find that thread that will keep mylife all together...however then I started looking at the other good things in my life... my family!!! The greatest people I'll ever have...the people that will be there in the darkest hours of my life, the people that will sings praises with me in greatness...the people that even when they want to hate me only love is there....the ones I argue with but will never leave me alone, the ones that I love showing my love too them....there is nothing more great then having a family..nothing more spectacular then that!
All my time was served with the dedication of being in love..and then I realized that this is not what was important...whats important is my family...nothing is greater then that...and i realized that...and now spend as much time as possible with my family!
well Im trying my best...to move on...
the love is still there....and Im still feeling the loss of this...but Im trying my best.....
its never felt so painfully difficult for me...but Im trying to see the light...that my family is greater then anything in my life.
I had dedicated myself to my love...I had written crazy stuff of how sick in love I was...
Its proven that I was right...the fall from something so great is so painful and seems to be so difficult to even think of letting go....however I've learned some valuable lessons....that my love.. taught me some things... taught me about love..this love... I mean when I was in this relationship I dedicated to greatness... I stopped doing things I normally struggled with...
when my love told me that my cutting had effected the relationship...after nearly a year of doing it I stopped a few months ago with a few mishaps here and there....
When my love said I shouldn't be hanging out with ex-boyfriends/girlfriends...I stopped that too. I mean even writing....
I was a prefectionist at writing...and I loved reading them to my love...
I guess the major thing for me was the cutting... Im sad that I've let something like that go. but after the many scars and wounds on my body...I realized the monster that had enveloped me. the vicious villian the began to destroy me little by little...
I was so comfortable at times....that I even cried in the arms of my love... something I dont do. I'm not an emotional person...but with this relationship it had opened areas in my life that I had never seen before...
I had songs and words of greatness dedicated to my love....
now that it's all gone....Its more difficult for me to be alive...more to difficult to find that thread that will keep mylife all together...however then I started looking at the other good things in my life... my family!!! The greatest people I'll ever have...the people that will be there in the darkest hours of my life, the people that will sings praises with me in greatness...the people that even when they want to hate me only love is there....the ones I argue with but will never leave me alone, the ones that I love showing my love too them....there is nothing more great then having a family..nothing more spectacular then that!
All my time was served with the dedication of being in love..and then I realized that this is not what was important...whats important is my family...nothing is greater then that...and i realized that...and now spend as much time as possible with my family!
well Im trying my best...to move on...
the love is still there....and Im still feeling the loss of this...but Im trying my best.....
its never felt so painfully difficult for me...but Im trying to see the light...that my family is greater then anything in my life.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
wounded heart
Its hard to figure out where to begin...
I can't even begin to describe these past few days or even this past two weeks. an agonizing emotional pain in my life that does not seem to disappear. all this time and effort and love never showed to be good enough....
you know what's sad is I even wrote about it..Im going to write what I wrote because i want too..
i wrote it on November 13,2008
So much love that when the sun was shinning I could feel the warmth of my loves arms. So much love that when I could see the moon, I became unafraid, courageous even. So much love that when I looked up at the stars I knew every dream comes true.
I could remember the long pause when in the arms of my love...A pause a moment of great satisfaction, great accomplishment..A smile comes on my face how could there be a love like this.
All the Love that anyone could've eve asked for all wrapped up in one amazing person. Everything that led up to the evening we met so much adrenaline, so much excitement. I never thought how far we would've come.
As the hours turned into days then into months, the Love grew, my life grew..I felt all I had ever wanted right before me and nothing could compare.
My heart would long for my love...Each day I stepped outside I would daydream my love coming up the driveway, I would run and embrace my love. at night I would lie in bed thinking 'oh how I wish my love would call' My heart skipped a beat when all I could do is think of my love...
As darkness starts to set in..The arugments continued...the months would turn into minutes of agony. We stopped talking, stopped seeing eachother...It all changed..and the amazing feeligns began to disappear.. The sun was no longer warmth...Only agonizing memory of the past that would not come again.
I feel like running away because I felt I could not deal with this kind of pain in this kind of place. I bottled all emotion in attempt that maybe this was not true...Maybe this could be fixed.. Then it happened.............
My heart shattered..my previous wounds from the harsh words and break-ups it ripped a hole in my heart. No one dared to say "I told you so" Everyone warned me about this person..that my love was, but I could not help but leap into my love's arms....
The end...the end...it ended...It became undone... All the love...all the work, all the love was not good enough...
Seperated from the one that loves me.
Never felt so blue
Never let go.
(END)
As it's become clear in my life how much of an impact this ex had in my life.. I didn't realize it as much as I realized it now...This ex...this was a love that I had never been...a feeling I never felt, a place...I had never been...
I told my cousin trev that my love...had the ability to hurt me far greater then anyone has ever been able to in my life...I loved my ex that much..I let my ex into my life, into my heart .... places no one was able to go too...
Instead of anything I was ripped to shreds...
i was told so many times...my love was out to hurt me...
Well i was hurt..am hurt...still hurting...
There isn't a day that goes by that I might drive by a place we went, or walk down a street we walked down, or be on a train..or anything...
the memory of my ex haunts me...wounds me more and more that I think of it...
I can't believe how much this has effected me... how much this has hurt me...I avoid telling anyone, or showing anyone bu my heart feels like it's bleeding..I feel like I literally cut out my heart and gave it to my ex...to have my ex torture me with this kind of pain....it hurts alot
I've talked to many of my close friends...telling me that there will always be a scar from this relationship because of the kind of devotion and dedication I committed to my ex.... there will be a painful memory of that forever...I can't believe it and I wish that it wouldn't be this way because i hurts too much.
there's great news in my life...but this is a time in my life that im learning to deal with a great loss in my life....a great love that has now left me... the memories..the everything won't leave me.. no matter what I do...this pain will not go away....the memories..the love..the hugs..the kisses...the everything...every great thing...it lingers in my mind...lingers in my heart... torturing me more and more and sometimes...I just ....
I just want to be ok...I just want this to go away....I just want to be ok... because its just too painful....
I can't sleep. i can't eat..i can't be happy for real like I was before...
I keep telling myself this is for the better...but my heart still longs...still yearns...
Like Sinatra said "She's all I long for, All I worship and adore"....
a love like that.....amazing!
Good Night...
2124
I can't even begin to describe these past few days or even this past two weeks. an agonizing emotional pain in my life that does not seem to disappear. all this time and effort and love never showed to be good enough....
you know what's sad is I even wrote about it..Im going to write what I wrote because i want too..
i wrote it on November 13,2008
So much love that when the sun was shinning I could feel the warmth of my loves arms. So much love that when I could see the moon, I became unafraid, courageous even. So much love that when I looked up at the stars I knew every dream comes true.
I could remember the long pause when in the arms of my love...A pause a moment of great satisfaction, great accomplishment..A smile comes on my face how could there be a love like this.
All the Love that anyone could've eve asked for all wrapped up in one amazing person. Everything that led up to the evening we met so much adrenaline, so much excitement. I never thought how far we would've come.
As the hours turned into days then into months, the Love grew, my life grew..I felt all I had ever wanted right before me and nothing could compare.
My heart would long for my love...Each day I stepped outside I would daydream my love coming up the driveway, I would run and embrace my love. at night I would lie in bed thinking 'oh how I wish my love would call' My heart skipped a beat when all I could do is think of my love...
As darkness starts to set in..The arugments continued...the months would turn into minutes of agony. We stopped talking, stopped seeing eachother...It all changed..and the amazing feeligns began to disappear.. The sun was no longer warmth...Only agonizing memory of the past that would not come again.
I feel like running away because I felt I could not deal with this kind of pain in this kind of place. I bottled all emotion in attempt that maybe this was not true...Maybe this could be fixed.. Then it happened.............
My heart shattered..my previous wounds from the harsh words and break-ups it ripped a hole in my heart. No one dared to say "I told you so" Everyone warned me about this person..that my love was, but I could not help but leap into my love's arms....
The end...the end...it ended...It became undone... All the love...all the work, all the love was not good enough...
Seperated from the one that loves me.
Never felt so blue
Never let go.
(END)
As it's become clear in my life how much of an impact this ex had in my life.. I didn't realize it as much as I realized it now...This ex...this was a love that I had never been...a feeling I never felt, a place...I had never been...
I told my cousin trev that my love...had the ability to hurt me far greater then anyone has ever been able to in my life...I loved my ex that much..I let my ex into my life, into my heart .... places no one was able to go too...
Instead of anything I was ripped to shreds...
i was told so many times...my love was out to hurt me...
Well i was hurt..am hurt...still hurting...
There isn't a day that goes by that I might drive by a place we went, or walk down a street we walked down, or be on a train..or anything...
the memory of my ex haunts me...wounds me more and more that I think of it...
I can't believe how much this has effected me... how much this has hurt me...I avoid telling anyone, or showing anyone bu my heart feels like it's bleeding..I feel like I literally cut out my heart and gave it to my ex...to have my ex torture me with this kind of pain....it hurts alot
I've talked to many of my close friends...telling me that there will always be a scar from this relationship because of the kind of devotion and dedication I committed to my ex.... there will be a painful memory of that forever...I can't believe it and I wish that it wouldn't be this way because i hurts too much.
there's great news in my life...but this is a time in my life that im learning to deal with a great loss in my life....a great love that has now left me... the memories..the everything won't leave me.. no matter what I do...this pain will not go away....the memories..the love..the hugs..the kisses...the everything...every great thing...it lingers in my mind...lingers in my heart... torturing me more and more and sometimes...I just ....
I just want to be ok...I just want this to go away....I just want to be ok... because its just too painful....
I can't sleep. i can't eat..i can't be happy for real like I was before...
I keep telling myself this is for the better...but my heart still longs...still yearns...
Like Sinatra said "She's all I long for, All I worship and adore"....
a love like that.....amazing!
Good Night...
2124
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
shattered hearts
Im worried if I dont write about this shattered heart of mine I might make some poor decisions and that I do not want to do because I know that this is a streaking row for me to be quitting so many things for as litle time as it seems but how long it is for me.
nearly two weeks ago I went through a very difficult time in my life. I felt I had lost my best friend/ my cousin...less then a few days ago we started talking again an things are slowly looking up for the better of this...
however one problem...
As I have said in previous entries...I was in a relationship that I was sadly committed too. I didn't do anything to jeopordize the relationship. I was there when I was needed, and I was the one that made my love happy. I was always where I needed to be at the right time..
LOTS of people told me that I would be hurt. that my love was out to hurt me...I didn't believe them...
so right they were. I have been in love with my love for seven months. I have done so much and never expected or wanted anything in return for the choices I was making or things I had done. I realize now the choices in the past are the choices that have destroyed me now.
I wish I could explain the shattering of my heart...feeling like its in a thousand different pieces.
I loved my love more then anything. When I needed my love they were there..when I wanted to have fun my love was there... In the darkest hours of my life my love was there. In the happiest moments my love was there...
It all began to slip away..and I started to notice it before it even began but my love denied my words..my accusations...and thoughts... I felt it in my heart...I felt it in my heart.
That glistenning in my loves eyes were gone...that amazing kiss was gone... that soft gentle hand in mine seemed gone....it's unfair to know that this has ended.
I knew it was bound to come though. I mean even though I was in this relationship i also was not in this relationship because I've always been seeking for someone else... longing and yearning for someone else...and that's why my previous relationship before this one had failed.
Life goes on right?
I dont know what I was thinking in getting into this kind of relationship knowing I'd lose it this way and be hurt this way. I mean...really...
I never let myself be in love like this. I never knew this kind of love ever before...and now I have never felt more shattered....
I just wish that I didn't find out the way that I have found out and now Im just like how could I do this? how could I make it through this?
It doesn't matter because no matter what Im going to make it through this...no matter what happens I have to survive this..even though my heart refuses to speak...Im going to get through this...
relationship is gone....and yet there's a numb feeling in me you know? I mean I can feel it in me my heart being broken but it's like Im hiding it..or have become to the pain...Im not sure that's a good thing...I think it'll destroy me if I dont deal with it soon....
maybe it's a disbelief but who knows...we will see how it goes...
I just can't believe the decisions I've made..the choices that have been made..an my heart has never felt this kind of pain..and it couldn't come at a worse time...this is not the time for me.. but I guess having my heart shattered there's never really a set time for something like this...
good night
nearly two weeks ago I went through a very difficult time in my life. I felt I had lost my best friend/ my cousin...less then a few days ago we started talking again an things are slowly looking up for the better of this...
however one problem...
As I have said in previous entries...I was in a relationship that I was sadly committed too. I didn't do anything to jeopordize the relationship. I was there when I was needed, and I was the one that made my love happy. I was always where I needed to be at the right time..
LOTS of people told me that I would be hurt. that my love was out to hurt me...I didn't believe them...
so right they were. I have been in love with my love for seven months. I have done so much and never expected or wanted anything in return for the choices I was making or things I had done. I realize now the choices in the past are the choices that have destroyed me now.
I wish I could explain the shattering of my heart...feeling like its in a thousand different pieces.
I loved my love more then anything. When I needed my love they were there..when I wanted to have fun my love was there... In the darkest hours of my life my love was there. In the happiest moments my love was there...
It all began to slip away..and I started to notice it before it even began but my love denied my words..my accusations...and thoughts... I felt it in my heart...I felt it in my heart.
That glistenning in my loves eyes were gone...that amazing kiss was gone... that soft gentle hand in mine seemed gone....it's unfair to know that this has ended.
I knew it was bound to come though. I mean even though I was in this relationship i also was not in this relationship because I've always been seeking for someone else... longing and yearning for someone else...and that's why my previous relationship before this one had failed.
Life goes on right?
I dont know what I was thinking in getting into this kind of relationship knowing I'd lose it this way and be hurt this way. I mean...really...
I never let myself be in love like this. I never knew this kind of love ever before...and now I have never felt more shattered....
I just wish that I didn't find out the way that I have found out and now Im just like how could I do this? how could I make it through this?
It doesn't matter because no matter what Im going to make it through this...no matter what happens I have to survive this..even though my heart refuses to speak...Im going to get through this...
relationship is gone....and yet there's a numb feeling in me you know? I mean I can feel it in me my heart being broken but it's like Im hiding it..or have become to the pain...Im not sure that's a good thing...I think it'll destroy me if I dont deal with it soon....
maybe it's a disbelief but who knows...we will see how it goes...
I just can't believe the decisions I've made..the choices that have been made..an my heart has never felt this kind of pain..and it couldn't come at a worse time...this is not the time for me.. but I guess having my heart shattered there's never really a set time for something like this...
good night
Sunday, November 9, 2008
getting back
It was nearly a week ago that I had written.
I went through a tough week. Missing my family..my love. missing everything in my life. I mean without these key people in my life it seemed I didn't exsist. I was really sad about that and really broken that my life would fall apart this way.
I finally got to talk to my cousin two days ago. I helped him through a time with his girlfriend and we didn't chat about anything because it was not the time and I was just too scared.
You have no idea...I mean I know that I said I'd never talk to him again. but I feel like if I did that then I wouldn't find my way through all of this. I mean with him around I feel like I can talk when I need too, chat and chill and everything...when we are not around or talking..I feel like Im dead to the world...
I've been staying with him and his girlfriend throughout this weekend...chatting little byt little here and there...it's been alright...we've had our moments of chatting...but I know without a doubt that I have missed going to sleep feeling safe. I've missed being able to sleep and enjoy sleeping....
anyhow apart from this situation..
I've been trying to figure out how to tell my love that.....something is different in my life. I dont my love to know through anyone other then me but that's becoming a huge obstacle and Im not sure I'll be doing what I want to do....not sure if I'll be able to do this..I hope I can but I dont know.
Its awesome though. I mean I feel better about living I feell better about being alive....I feel more free...more alive.. I mean Im not weighed down with thoughts of people...Im not weighed down with pressures that I feel were in the past....I mean I wanted to straighten things out sooner..
Im glad to have family and friends that share the same morals as I do....and I dont have to worry about them... I mean I realize how difficult it is for me to stand the way I do..it's hard to decide the decisions I've decided but I know that i can't stop...Im on a role for making it really well in this world...and Im not about to mess that up...
Im sorry Im probably not making any sense. I quit doing things in my life that destroy me. it's not on anyone but me. I didn't let people tell me what I should do...I decided for myself to do this... I decided that this is my time..I dont want other people in my life that make bad choices.. Im making better choices...an I dont want anyone in my life that is a bad influence because Im trying to be a good influence...
so yeah that's the changes that Im standing by now...
anyhow...
things are going better...Im glad for that...and I hope that things only get better from here..
ttyl
I went through a tough week. Missing my family..my love. missing everything in my life. I mean without these key people in my life it seemed I didn't exsist. I was really sad about that and really broken that my life would fall apart this way.
I finally got to talk to my cousin two days ago. I helped him through a time with his girlfriend and we didn't chat about anything because it was not the time and I was just too scared.
You have no idea...I mean I know that I said I'd never talk to him again. but I feel like if I did that then I wouldn't find my way through all of this. I mean with him around I feel like I can talk when I need too, chat and chill and everything...when we are not around or talking..I feel like Im dead to the world...
I've been staying with him and his girlfriend throughout this weekend...chatting little byt little here and there...it's been alright...we've had our moments of chatting...but I know without a doubt that I have missed going to sleep feeling safe. I've missed being able to sleep and enjoy sleeping....
anyhow apart from this situation..
I've been trying to figure out how to tell my love that.....something is different in my life. I dont my love to know through anyone other then me but that's becoming a huge obstacle and Im not sure I'll be doing what I want to do....not sure if I'll be able to do this..I hope I can but I dont know.
Its awesome though. I mean I feel better about living I feell better about being alive....I feel more free...more alive.. I mean Im not weighed down with thoughts of people...Im not weighed down with pressures that I feel were in the past....I mean I wanted to straighten things out sooner..
Im glad to have family and friends that share the same morals as I do....and I dont have to worry about them... I mean I realize how difficult it is for me to stand the way I do..it's hard to decide the decisions I've decided but I know that i can't stop...Im on a role for making it really well in this world...and Im not about to mess that up...
Im sorry Im probably not making any sense. I quit doing things in my life that destroy me. it's not on anyone but me. I didn't let people tell me what I should do...I decided for myself to do this... I decided that this is my time..I dont want other people in my life that make bad choices.. Im making better choices...an I dont want anyone in my life that is a bad influence because Im trying to be a good influence...
so yeah that's the changes that Im standing by now...
anyhow...
things are going better...Im glad for that...and I hope that things only get better from here..
ttyl
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
not feeling at home
This will probably be the last day I will write until my computer is fixed. even then...what will I write about then?
Do you know that Trevor is my best friend? my favorite family member? he's only ever yelled at me once. but it was all under influence. other then that him and I have always been really close. it makes me wonder why? I mean he has two sisters and everything. but yet he feels at home here with us.
I've never missed anyone more then I miss my cousin. I regret leaving. I mean Im glad that I did because I was going to do drugs. but I wish that I didn't because maybe none of this would've happened.
However Im just not sure.
Im scared of what will happen in the future. Im really sad that I let go of the necklace that he gave me. It makes me want to buy the one at People's and replace it immeditatly and although it won't have as much sentimental value as my old one..it'll still give me my necklace.
I also let go of something else...a ring to be real..
A ring that was engraved and was a gift from my love. I took it off because this entire situation just has me off balance.
Im glad that Im working because it keeps my mind busy. however at the end I am heading home back to this home..this place that I no longer want to be. I want to move away. I want to get my own place somewhere anywhere. I dont even know what I would do. or how I can even do that. But I realize that I dont make enough money at the moment and Im not sure if that'll ever change.
I dont know what to write about.
Im emotional because I miss the people in my life. people like maria, trevor, krissy..everyone that brought me up in life. helped me laugh when I felt like crying. helped me through some difficult times. and now it's all different and they are all gone.
I have to stand on my own two feet. away from all these people and....yet I feel so alone. I have no one around. I can't tell my family that Im feeling this way.
most of the time I just wish I could lie in bed sleeping. crying...something
yet today...
I went out to head to work...the most amazing views. our moutains have snow on them... and I smiled becaues it's amazingly beautiful
I miss my cousin.
Im not sure how long I can last with this whole thing.
im not even sure how long I'll last without a computer. no communication to anyone or anything.
I mean I write everything through my computer, talk to everyone through my computer. so it's like now that its taken away im not sure if I can make it..
sad.
sad.
sad...
I'll be missing my cousin Trevor that's all I know...
Good night
Do you know that Trevor is my best friend? my favorite family member? he's only ever yelled at me once. but it was all under influence. other then that him and I have always been really close. it makes me wonder why? I mean he has two sisters and everything. but yet he feels at home here with us.
I've never missed anyone more then I miss my cousin. I regret leaving. I mean Im glad that I did because I was going to do drugs. but I wish that I didn't because maybe none of this would've happened.
However Im just not sure.
Im scared of what will happen in the future. Im really sad that I let go of the necklace that he gave me. It makes me want to buy the one at People's and replace it immeditatly and although it won't have as much sentimental value as my old one..it'll still give me my necklace.
I also let go of something else...a ring to be real..
A ring that was engraved and was a gift from my love. I took it off because this entire situation just has me off balance.
Im glad that Im working because it keeps my mind busy. however at the end I am heading home back to this home..this place that I no longer want to be. I want to move away. I want to get my own place somewhere anywhere. I dont even know what I would do. or how I can even do that. But I realize that I dont make enough money at the moment and Im not sure if that'll ever change.
I dont know what to write about.
Im emotional because I miss the people in my life. people like maria, trevor, krissy..everyone that brought me up in life. helped me laugh when I felt like crying. helped me through some difficult times. and now it's all different and they are all gone.
I have to stand on my own two feet. away from all these people and....yet I feel so alone. I have no one around. I can't tell my family that Im feeling this way.
most of the time I just wish I could lie in bed sleeping. crying...something
yet today...
I went out to head to work...the most amazing views. our moutains have snow on them... and I smiled becaues it's amazingly beautiful
I miss my cousin.
Im not sure how long I can last with this whole thing.
im not even sure how long I'll last without a computer. no communication to anyone or anything.
I mean I write everything through my computer, talk to everyone through my computer. so it's like now that its taken away im not sure if I can make it..
sad.
sad.
sad...
I'll be missing my cousin Trevor that's all I know...
Good night
Monday, November 3, 2008
days gone by
Im not sure where to begin.
I just finished doing some dishes. the funny thing is it made me think of my dad. because that's something he often did when he was alive. he was always cleaning and always getting organized.
I recently posted in Facebook...about 120 pictures. all of my cousin and his girlfriend and our time out. we went out last Sunday to honour my father. It was a different experience from previous years, as I would have often shut down. or would've been drinking or something.this occassion we went to a place where my dad made me happy.
I bring this up because of my cousin.
I've never been so close to someone. so honest with someone...besides one man in Ontario. either way Trevor is my cousin. he's always been there for me as I have been there for him. he's helped me through alot. although I wrote some things of decisions he had made. the truth is he helped keep me out of some things on Friday. because on Friday...after seeing the child molester. I wanted to harm myself or something becaues I was so angry. however I stopped cutting, so I stopped carrying my blades. however there was something else. something I would've never considered doing.
That thing was drugs. I had considered taking some drugs that night. and I might of been drunk or buzzed either way. I held those drugs in hand. no one was looking and I could've taken it. even though I might have thought of my father and the promise I made to his grave.
seeing the child molester..really tore me up. and I held them in hand... I didn't take them I gave them to my other cousin. however all night it's what was on my mind. just one hit just one hit won't kill me...
It was very difficult for me to not do drugs. it was really hard for me to sit there adn not do it. I sat there as the drugs made there rounds and continued to come to me but I passed it off. then my cousin made a poor decision. and I told him i wouldn't ever speak to him if he had done them. and he made that decision. it cost me my cousin. he didn't die or anything but I lost respect for him. becaues Trevor is older then me and I often have looked up to him as a brother and cared for him more then anyone. Other's have failed him, and he had never felt like home unless he was with us. but making that decision just broke me in two. and I couldn't believe it. it was then that I said I wanted to do it. thankfully my cousin wouldn't let me but I got mad and left.
Im not sure what to do. but it's like Im thinking more now of the choices i've made in my life. and it's like what am I really doing? I mean this weekend I almost did cocaine. something i said I'd never do. I've always been the family member that has been against drugs. and yet I was that weak that i would've done it. it scares me and makes me think of that...I mean what's going on in my life that's got me that low in my life that I would think of such a thing.
Now Im thinking of making some drastic changes in my life. deciding that this is no longer the life I want to live. instead I'd like to try do a 180 and stop that kind of life. Im not sure if it's posisble. Im not even sure how I would go about doing this but I realize the point for me is that I dont want this kind of life. and I want to do whatever it takes to get out of this stage in my life that almost could've cost me all my morals and values. could've even cost me my life.
Will it work? who knows all's I know is that there's been this thought in my mind for a while and Im ready. Im ready to turn my life around and Im not sure if it'll work but Im willing to try becaues I dont' ever want to think of myself ever turning to a life of drugs.
I feel like a hypocrite. this one person! me...against drugs and I wanted to do them... and not just any it was this one...and I couldn't believe the person i was that night.
I hope to do things better...and hope to start saving up to move out and into my own place. live my own life. and start taking care of the important things in life.
good night
I just finished doing some dishes. the funny thing is it made me think of my dad. because that's something he often did when he was alive. he was always cleaning and always getting organized.
I recently posted in Facebook...about 120 pictures. all of my cousin and his girlfriend and our time out. we went out last Sunday to honour my father. It was a different experience from previous years, as I would have often shut down. or would've been drinking or something.this occassion we went to a place where my dad made me happy.
I bring this up because of my cousin.
I've never been so close to someone. so honest with someone...besides one man in Ontario. either way Trevor is my cousin. he's always been there for me as I have been there for him. he's helped me through alot. although I wrote some things of decisions he had made. the truth is he helped keep me out of some things on Friday. because on Friday...after seeing the child molester. I wanted to harm myself or something becaues I was so angry. however I stopped cutting, so I stopped carrying my blades. however there was something else. something I would've never considered doing.
That thing was drugs. I had considered taking some drugs that night. and I might of been drunk or buzzed either way. I held those drugs in hand. no one was looking and I could've taken it. even though I might have thought of my father and the promise I made to his grave.
seeing the child molester..really tore me up. and I held them in hand... I didn't take them I gave them to my other cousin. however all night it's what was on my mind. just one hit just one hit won't kill me...
It was very difficult for me to not do drugs. it was really hard for me to sit there adn not do it. I sat there as the drugs made there rounds and continued to come to me but I passed it off. then my cousin made a poor decision. and I told him i wouldn't ever speak to him if he had done them. and he made that decision. it cost me my cousin. he didn't die or anything but I lost respect for him. becaues Trevor is older then me and I often have looked up to him as a brother and cared for him more then anyone. Other's have failed him, and he had never felt like home unless he was with us. but making that decision just broke me in two. and I couldn't believe it. it was then that I said I wanted to do it. thankfully my cousin wouldn't let me but I got mad and left.
Im not sure what to do. but it's like Im thinking more now of the choices i've made in my life. and it's like what am I really doing? I mean this weekend I almost did cocaine. something i said I'd never do. I've always been the family member that has been against drugs. and yet I was that weak that i would've done it. it scares me and makes me think of that...I mean what's going on in my life that's got me that low in my life that I would think of such a thing.
Now Im thinking of making some drastic changes in my life. deciding that this is no longer the life I want to live. instead I'd like to try do a 180 and stop that kind of life. Im not sure if it's posisble. Im not even sure how I would go about doing this but I realize the point for me is that I dont want this kind of life. and I want to do whatever it takes to get out of this stage in my life that almost could've cost me all my morals and values. could've even cost me my life.
Will it work? who knows all's I know is that there's been this thought in my mind for a while and Im ready. Im ready to turn my life around and Im not sure if it'll work but Im willing to try becaues I dont' ever want to think of myself ever turning to a life of drugs.
I feel like a hypocrite. this one person! me...against drugs and I wanted to do them... and not just any it was this one...and I couldn't believe the person i was that night.
I hope to do things better...and hope to start saving up to move out and into my own place. live my own life. and start taking care of the important things in life.
good night
Saturday, November 1, 2008
sorrow truth
Recently I wrote about letting go. the desire and need that I had to let go of my love. the desire and need I had to emphasize letting things go.
I never let my love go. I tried but a part of me was always holding onto that...and my love did not let go easily.
Now this is a different kind of letting go for me.
Yesterday I decided to go out with my two cousins. go have a couple drinks an relax. we went to two different bars and the second bar had someone in it that I wanted to scream at. it was the guy that molested my youngest sister. I cannot even describe to you the feelings i had sitting there knowing he was there. I got up and walked up to him and asked him a couple questions and told him some things. my legs were shaking and I felt weak. but yet with that bottle in hand I felt strong. nothing happened I just said some things...like how my family has been having a hard time recovering from this pain.
either way...we decided to leave...
and my one cousin met up with a friend. and then it escalated from there. we went to this friends house...
I didn't want to go. but Trevor said we would go for one drink...and then catch a cab home. it ended up being here for about four hours. and I watched each person besides my cousin and I snort shit up their nose.
For a few moments in my life..ever...
I held this DVD cover with two lines on it...the opportunity had come. to freely do this on my own. I sat there with everything ready and realized i can't do it. I looked at the tattoo on my arm adn realized why would I do this..
trevor seen that and took it away.
a couple hours later...my love came to me...we sat there...chilling. laughing, talking it was wonderful...and my cousin Trevor made a decision that changed my mood changed everything.
He snorted it right in front of me...that gave me some courage to do it myself.... but they wouldn't let me..and I came back and realized what the heck am I doing...and why would i choose to be around people who do this... so i got mad at Trevor took off the necklace he got me. and left. my love came. and we were off in a cab and got home at 6am.
I was crying and crying and crying....mainly because of how difficult it is for me to watch this one man...this man...seriously he has the biggest influence on my life. I love him alot. I've defended him, helped him. cared for him. and then to see him make a decisiion like that really hurt me and I decided that this would be the end of me talking to those kinds of people in my family.
I went to sleep...in the arms of my greatest love. a part of me did not want to go to sleep because I didn't want to miss those moments...of being back where I had longed to be for so long. it was an amazing way to go to sleep.
however I woke up...and could not forget what had happened earlier this morning. and I've just sat aruond...being lazy. being emotional..
the funniest part of it is that IM not going to hear the end of this because I called my counselor and now I will know what's on the topic for this week...
emotional wise...
I can't describe how difficult it is for me to not have my necklace on. the first time I lost it I actually left it at home. and I decided from then on I would never take it off again. but then this happened...and Im not sure if he remembers what happened. or anything like that. if he knows how I feel about all this...but it doesn't matter anyhow.
hope that I figure this out soon...I bet I know waht someone's thinking. I should talk to him... I want to wait a bit...maybe till tomorrow because it'll make me feel better with some more thuoght to this...
good night
I never let my love go. I tried but a part of me was always holding onto that...and my love did not let go easily.
Now this is a different kind of letting go for me.
Yesterday I decided to go out with my two cousins. go have a couple drinks an relax. we went to two different bars and the second bar had someone in it that I wanted to scream at. it was the guy that molested my youngest sister. I cannot even describe to you the feelings i had sitting there knowing he was there. I got up and walked up to him and asked him a couple questions and told him some things. my legs were shaking and I felt weak. but yet with that bottle in hand I felt strong. nothing happened I just said some things...like how my family has been having a hard time recovering from this pain.
either way...we decided to leave...
and my one cousin met up with a friend. and then it escalated from there. we went to this friends house...
I didn't want to go. but Trevor said we would go for one drink...and then catch a cab home. it ended up being here for about four hours. and I watched each person besides my cousin and I snort shit up their nose.
For a few moments in my life..ever...
I held this DVD cover with two lines on it...the opportunity had come. to freely do this on my own. I sat there with everything ready and realized i can't do it. I looked at the tattoo on my arm adn realized why would I do this..
trevor seen that and took it away.
a couple hours later...my love came to me...we sat there...chilling. laughing, talking it was wonderful...and my cousin Trevor made a decision that changed my mood changed everything.
He snorted it right in front of me...that gave me some courage to do it myself.... but they wouldn't let me..and I came back and realized what the heck am I doing...and why would i choose to be around people who do this... so i got mad at Trevor took off the necklace he got me. and left. my love came. and we were off in a cab and got home at 6am.
I was crying and crying and crying....mainly because of how difficult it is for me to watch this one man...this man...seriously he has the biggest influence on my life. I love him alot. I've defended him, helped him. cared for him. and then to see him make a decisiion like that really hurt me and I decided that this would be the end of me talking to those kinds of people in my family.
I went to sleep...in the arms of my greatest love. a part of me did not want to go to sleep because I didn't want to miss those moments...of being back where I had longed to be for so long. it was an amazing way to go to sleep.
however I woke up...and could not forget what had happened earlier this morning. and I've just sat aruond...being lazy. being emotional..
the funniest part of it is that IM not going to hear the end of this because I called my counselor and now I will know what's on the topic for this week...
emotional wise...
I can't describe how difficult it is for me to not have my necklace on. the first time I lost it I actually left it at home. and I decided from then on I would never take it off again. but then this happened...and Im not sure if he remembers what happened. or anything like that. if he knows how I feel about all this...but it doesn't matter anyhow.
hope that I figure this out soon...I bet I know waht someone's thinking. I should talk to him... I want to wait a bit...maybe till tomorrow because it'll make me feel better with some more thuoght to this...
good night
Thursday, October 30, 2008
mixed feelings
It's supposed to be a new day. iit's so supposed to be almost Friday! a happy day!
Why don't I feel that way today?
I feel like there's this itch in me that just wants to sit and sob for hours. a great sorrow in my heart and it's rising up each second of my life. Im scared of what I will do with this kind of pain.
Do I tell why these feelings are there? do I even know?
Yesterday is a historical day in my life...because yesterday I broke up with someone. someone I loved and cared for... now...you ask why would I do something like that? i didn't feel i was being true to my heart. Even though I love this person a lot. it's not as much as I love someone else. yet this other person is thousands of miles away and I've not spoken to him in a long time. I went through a week of thinking about him, considering leaving Vancouver again... and yet in all that time I did not think of my love here... I broke up with my love here because I realize as much as I want to be all in with my love here...Im not... sadly a piece of me still hopes and dreams of one day seeing the love in Ontario. That's so terrible though. but I was so lost in that you know? I don't even know why I won't let that go...maybe I just am the worst person to let things go..but I knew I had to be true to myself and my love here..I couldn't continue tagging along in a relationship I was no longer fully committed too..it made me sad but I felt that it was a betrayl to them..and I couldn't stand hurting them that way any longer.
Now is that why I am emotional?
Or is it because...Last night I came home and for the first time in years...my auntie Vivian came to visit...but under the circumstances it seems to crush my spirit more then make me happy. My auntie Vivian is a drug user and Im not sure what else...I've been home since about 11pm yesterday and all's she has done is sleep. and yet the only thing that comes to my mind is what is she going to do.
If not that then Im thinking about the memories the things I NEVER wanted to think about.. the facts....My dad died of a drug overdose. he died..he's dead. gone forever.dead...DEAD... from his addictions....My auntie Jackie...DIED two years after my dad... she was murdered but yet guess why? she chose to get into a car with someone who she was going to do prostitution with and he promised drugs, alchol and parties..and guess what SHE DIED! she was murdered.
If not that two years ago maybe longer my grandfather died he died of a heartache. or illness.. not sure.
YET this tops it all off... my uncle Anthony..my favorite uncle in the entire world or at least on my dad's side of the family...this man...you know how great he was? A couple years after my dad died guess who came to visit us? the only person that came was my uncle Anthony! He looked so much like my dad. he was an amazing man... but guess what! His depression.. his drugs and alcohol got to him too...he hung himself..HE DIED! he's gone! forever!
All these people....all these people ALL these people are on my dad's side of the family. all these people are the people my dad was close too! THe only way I could have ever known more about my dad they are all gone!
Now we have an aunt that I never heard about....Okay I have I probably seen her at the funeral but I wasn't really paying attention to relatives as I watched my dad be dead in a coffin..
can I say this?
Just this once...
I hate those who are addicted! I hate them...
Why you say? why do I hate them?
I know they didn't choose that life..believe me I know that with every piece of my fucking heart.
however.. watching someone go into an addiciton like that.... fade away.. become numb to the world. to those they once loved... becoming zombies in the world...yearning desiring drugs and only drugs.
To once have faith in these people...to love them cherish them. to look up to them and have them screw up their damn life!
It makes every part of me really fucking angry..
you know why?
I have no sympathy for them anymore! When I was a teenager I used to help them. I used to bring them clothes. I used to be home all day making my sooup and bannock and praying for them and all that... I used to be a look out for my sister. I used to see my dad down there.. and you wonder...you wonder!
I have watched these vicious poision enevelope all those people that I love and care for. and it tears me to bones. it makes me wanna scream from every damn place and hurt all those who do that shit, all those who sell that stuff...
I hate that in this one area this one place. I feel like people that I love and care for with those addictions. they are my kryptonite. they are my weakness.. they are the ones that can truly kill me and it tears me to pieces...
Its so hard for me to watch all those I loved and cared for go down this death road...not being able to save them. not able to bring them back to life. not being able to cure them.. they bring out the worst in me...ESPECIALLY if one of them is here in my house under my roof.... why for? because my mom....is afraid of tough love. she doesn't want to turn them away... she's scared that a repeat would happen with what happened to my father.
It does indeed bring out the worst in me..
I wish that I could be somewhere other then here tonight....
It hurts me too much to see all this...and
even though
even though
I want to put on this "I don't care" atitude... deep down it feels like it's eating me away. I feel emotional.....
so now in the end...what is it? why am I emotional...............................................
Why don't I feel that way today?
I feel like there's this itch in me that just wants to sit and sob for hours. a great sorrow in my heart and it's rising up each second of my life. Im scared of what I will do with this kind of pain.
Do I tell why these feelings are there? do I even know?
Yesterday is a historical day in my life...because yesterday I broke up with someone. someone I loved and cared for... now...you ask why would I do something like that? i didn't feel i was being true to my heart. Even though I love this person a lot. it's not as much as I love someone else. yet this other person is thousands of miles away and I've not spoken to him in a long time. I went through a week of thinking about him, considering leaving Vancouver again... and yet in all that time I did not think of my love here... I broke up with my love here because I realize as much as I want to be all in with my love here...Im not... sadly a piece of me still hopes and dreams of one day seeing the love in Ontario. That's so terrible though. but I was so lost in that you know? I don't even know why I won't let that go...maybe I just am the worst person to let things go..but I knew I had to be true to myself and my love here..I couldn't continue tagging along in a relationship I was no longer fully committed too..it made me sad but I felt that it was a betrayl to them..and I couldn't stand hurting them that way any longer.
Now is that why I am emotional?
Or is it because...Last night I came home and for the first time in years...my auntie Vivian came to visit...but under the circumstances it seems to crush my spirit more then make me happy. My auntie Vivian is a drug user and Im not sure what else...I've been home since about 11pm yesterday and all's she has done is sleep. and yet the only thing that comes to my mind is what is she going to do.
If not that then Im thinking about the memories the things I NEVER wanted to think about.. the facts....My dad died of a drug overdose. he died..he's dead. gone forever.dead...DEAD... from his addictions....My auntie Jackie...DIED two years after my dad... she was murdered but yet guess why? she chose to get into a car with someone who she was going to do prostitution with and he promised drugs, alchol and parties..and guess what SHE DIED! she was murdered.
If not that two years ago maybe longer my grandfather died he died of a heartache. or illness.. not sure.
YET this tops it all off... my uncle Anthony..my favorite uncle in the entire world or at least on my dad's side of the family...this man...you know how great he was? A couple years after my dad died guess who came to visit us? the only person that came was my uncle Anthony! He looked so much like my dad. he was an amazing man... but guess what! His depression.. his drugs and alcohol got to him too...he hung himself..HE DIED! he's gone! forever!
All these people....all these people ALL these people are on my dad's side of the family. all these people are the people my dad was close too! THe only way I could have ever known more about my dad they are all gone!
Now we have an aunt that I never heard about....Okay I have I probably seen her at the funeral but I wasn't really paying attention to relatives as I watched my dad be dead in a coffin..
can I say this?
Just this once...
I hate those who are addicted! I hate them...
Why you say? why do I hate them?
I know they didn't choose that life..believe me I know that with every piece of my fucking heart.
however.. watching someone go into an addiciton like that.... fade away.. become numb to the world. to those they once loved... becoming zombies in the world...yearning desiring drugs and only drugs.
To once have faith in these people...to love them cherish them. to look up to them and have them screw up their damn life!
It makes every part of me really fucking angry..
you know why?
I have no sympathy for them anymore! When I was a teenager I used to help them. I used to bring them clothes. I used to be home all day making my sooup and bannock and praying for them and all that... I used to be a look out for my sister. I used to see my dad down there.. and you wonder...you wonder!
I have watched these vicious poision enevelope all those people that I love and care for. and it tears me to bones. it makes me wanna scream from every damn place and hurt all those who do that shit, all those who sell that stuff...
I hate that in this one area this one place. I feel like people that I love and care for with those addictions. they are my kryptonite. they are my weakness.. they are the ones that can truly kill me and it tears me to pieces...
Its so hard for me to watch all those I loved and cared for go down this death road...not being able to save them. not able to bring them back to life. not being able to cure them.. they bring out the worst in me...ESPECIALLY if one of them is here in my house under my roof.... why for? because my mom....is afraid of tough love. she doesn't want to turn them away... she's scared that a repeat would happen with what happened to my father.
It does indeed bring out the worst in me..
I wish that I could be somewhere other then here tonight....
It hurts me too much to see all this...and
even though
even though
I want to put on this "I don't care" atitude... deep down it feels like it's eating me away. I feel emotional.....
so now in the end...what is it? why am I emotional...............................................
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
this past week
So it's been just over a week. I would've liked to write through these past few days however our computer is down and so we were trying to fix it but had no success.
I think it was on Tuesday I had counselling this past week. it's hard to think of what had happened that week. But Im guessing it had to do with counselling I had been upset about some things that were mentioned or whatever. I realize the only reason I was upset was because of what I would lose if I had decided to do the things that were mentioned or a food for thought. I didn't want to even imagine what it would be like if I had considered it. I actually was really upset I was at work and fighting back tears...it's one of those food for thought that you would wish would just leave your mind..however they don't..and your mind races through the what if's the could haves...or all that. was not one of my fond moments in life.
It had nothing really to do with my counselor..she just wants to see my make it. or see me succeed. however the topic was too touchy for me and I wanted to shut down and I probably did.
I cancelled all opportunity for a future appointment for the rest of the week. and even for this week. I didn't want to talk about what had happened the previous week...however now it's kind of changed...I mean the things I thought I'd lose if I made decisions like that...it seems I've lost them already...maybe all in a frenzy of pushing me to this point..
This past weekend...was my father's 13yr death anniversary. Every thing in me wanted to get wasted..drink my sorrows away.. But I didn't.. I spent time wtih my cousin...my only cousin that's been there for me for so many years. I stayed with him. talked to him..cried with him. he has helped pull me through this anniversary.
I didn't drink on Friday or Saturday. I think I just stayed home hung out and went to bed early. I didn't really talk to anyone because I wasn't up for anything like that...
The sunday seemed more dreadful then I thought it would be...
I woke up and my heart began to sink. the realization that I was able to wakeup on a day like today. I couldn't imagine getting outta bed because my heart was crying....sobbing in tears. I couldnt survive today. Thankfully my cousin knew that...it was like he knew that this would be the day I'd fall apart.
His girlfriend, me and him decided that today we would honor my father. I had remembered what my counselor had said about going somewhere that made me happy, that my father had taken me. the only place that I could remember...was this one place and Im not even sure why I was there..or why it made me so happy.. but I only knew of oneplace... and that was "the lost lagoon" at Stanley Park..... when I was a kid my dad used to take me there and Im not sure why but I knew that it made me happy.
So off we went... on Sunday evening. we travelled downtown...to Stanley Park. The best part of it was there was not a cloud in the sky. all we seen were the beautiful stars in the sky...
We got to Lost Lagoon. and sat for a bit just chilling...thoughts in my mind ran me through all the memories I could get into...about my father..none bad...just the happy ones...
then we were off to find some bark or something to put our candles on to put into the water. it was a very intreresting fun experience. we got back...and we all rested....as we lit our candles and set the bark into the water... we sat listenning to my dad's favorite musie "the rolling stones" and I just looked up at the sky...and allowed my mind to wonder into the memories of my father. the happy thoughts.the hugs..the love. the everything that was good. and a began to smile... because it was then that I knew that I knew that my dad did love me.
we sat there for about an hour...just watching our little bark thingy float away....
we left...and it was just an amazing experience..to have the two people that love me the most. more then anyone has ever loved me..to be there for me...to help me thruogh that...and have them there...it just made me realize all that I needed to know...I was so glad to have these two in my life....
we stopped and had a snack before we headed back home. I bought two pounds of wings to share. and it was awesome. I had one drink..I was so glad that I did too because the wings were really hot...I loved it... I was glad to be with them....took 120 photos...I was really glad they would share this experience with me.
the following day...Monday is the day on our "In loving memory" thingys it says he died on the 27 although I knew it was the day before. i took the day off work...rested and just thought about calling my grandma.
that evening Bob called and I asked him to take me to that church he had talked about to light a candle for my dad.. it didn't work out and I ended up going and drinking. I only had about four drinks because it was not my plan to drink. or to get drunk it was not what I wanted. I didn't get drunk. thankfully.. I got home...and that was it......
It's been in these past few days that I've realizzed...that Im done with that life.. I dont want to do those things and I dont want to live that kind of life anymore. I dont want those kinds of people in my life anymore.
This was one of the first anniversaries I didn't go and get wasted. I didn't cry about my dad. I just honoured him. and said a prayer for him. an although I drank on the Monday. I didn't get durnk. but I realized that the life he lived...he wouldn't want me to live that kind of life either.
the only way for that to begin is to let go....
here's my favorite phrase "LET GO"
Of all those people who influence me in that life. people who want me to drink...people who want me to waste my life away. It's not for me.
I have a commitment to my family. I have a responsibility to my bills. and I have every reason in my life to be happy. to enjoy life without the influence of alcohol in my life.
it seems so strange for someone like me to be saying something like that but I just realize more and more the choices I have made in the past have destroyed my mind. my memory. I mean I remember the things I did under the influence and I remember the pain others caused me. I remember the pain that I caused me.
either way. I am totally done with that kind of life and Im ready to move on.
"MOVE ON"
with my life
This was a great experience for me...
Im glad more so that my cousin was there for me...and I hope I can help him whenever he needs my help...
ttyl
I think it was on Tuesday I had counselling this past week. it's hard to think of what had happened that week. But Im guessing it had to do with counselling I had been upset about some things that were mentioned or whatever. I realize the only reason I was upset was because of what I would lose if I had decided to do the things that were mentioned or a food for thought. I didn't want to even imagine what it would be like if I had considered it. I actually was really upset I was at work and fighting back tears...it's one of those food for thought that you would wish would just leave your mind..however they don't..and your mind races through the what if's the could haves...or all that. was not one of my fond moments in life.
It had nothing really to do with my counselor..she just wants to see my make it. or see me succeed. however the topic was too touchy for me and I wanted to shut down and I probably did.
I cancelled all opportunity for a future appointment for the rest of the week. and even for this week. I didn't want to talk about what had happened the previous week...however now it's kind of changed...I mean the things I thought I'd lose if I made decisions like that...it seems I've lost them already...maybe all in a frenzy of pushing me to this point..
This past weekend...was my father's 13yr death anniversary. Every thing in me wanted to get wasted..drink my sorrows away.. But I didn't.. I spent time wtih my cousin...my only cousin that's been there for me for so many years. I stayed with him. talked to him..cried with him. he has helped pull me through this anniversary.
I didn't drink on Friday or Saturday. I think I just stayed home hung out and went to bed early. I didn't really talk to anyone because I wasn't up for anything like that...
The sunday seemed more dreadful then I thought it would be...
I woke up and my heart began to sink. the realization that I was able to wakeup on a day like today. I couldn't imagine getting outta bed because my heart was crying....sobbing in tears. I couldnt survive today. Thankfully my cousin knew that...it was like he knew that this would be the day I'd fall apart.
His girlfriend, me and him decided that today we would honor my father. I had remembered what my counselor had said about going somewhere that made me happy, that my father had taken me. the only place that I could remember...was this one place and Im not even sure why I was there..or why it made me so happy.. but I only knew of oneplace... and that was "the lost lagoon" at Stanley Park..... when I was a kid my dad used to take me there and Im not sure why but I knew that it made me happy.
So off we went... on Sunday evening. we travelled downtown...to Stanley Park. The best part of it was there was not a cloud in the sky. all we seen were the beautiful stars in the sky...
We got to Lost Lagoon. and sat for a bit just chilling...thoughts in my mind ran me through all the memories I could get into...about my father..none bad...just the happy ones...
then we were off to find some bark or something to put our candles on to put into the water. it was a very intreresting fun experience. we got back...and we all rested....as we lit our candles and set the bark into the water... we sat listenning to my dad's favorite musie "the rolling stones" and I just looked up at the sky...and allowed my mind to wonder into the memories of my father. the happy thoughts.the hugs..the love. the everything that was good. and a began to smile... because it was then that I knew that I knew that my dad did love me.
we sat there for about an hour...just watching our little bark thingy float away....
we left...and it was just an amazing experience..to have the two people that love me the most. more then anyone has ever loved me..to be there for me...to help me thruogh that...and have them there...it just made me realize all that I needed to know...I was so glad to have these two in my life....
we stopped and had a snack before we headed back home. I bought two pounds of wings to share. and it was awesome. I had one drink..I was so glad that I did too because the wings were really hot...I loved it... I was glad to be with them....took 120 photos...I was really glad they would share this experience with me.
the following day...Monday is the day on our "In loving memory" thingys it says he died on the 27 although I knew it was the day before. i took the day off work...rested and just thought about calling my grandma.
that evening Bob called and I asked him to take me to that church he had talked about to light a candle for my dad.. it didn't work out and I ended up going and drinking. I only had about four drinks because it was not my plan to drink. or to get drunk it was not what I wanted. I didn't get drunk. thankfully.. I got home...and that was it......
It's been in these past few days that I've realizzed...that Im done with that life.. I dont want to do those things and I dont want to live that kind of life anymore. I dont want those kinds of people in my life anymore.
This was one of the first anniversaries I didn't go and get wasted. I didn't cry about my dad. I just honoured him. and said a prayer for him. an although I drank on the Monday. I didn't get durnk. but I realized that the life he lived...he wouldn't want me to live that kind of life either.
the only way for that to begin is to let go....
here's my favorite phrase "LET GO"
Of all those people who influence me in that life. people who want me to drink...people who want me to waste my life away. It's not for me.
I have a commitment to my family. I have a responsibility to my bills. and I have every reason in my life to be happy. to enjoy life without the influence of alcohol in my life.
it seems so strange for someone like me to be saying something like that but I just realize more and more the choices I have made in the past have destroyed my mind. my memory. I mean I remember the things I did under the influence and I remember the pain others caused me. I remember the pain that I caused me.
either way. I am totally done with that kind of life and Im ready to move on.
"MOVE ON"
with my life
This was a great experience for me...
Im glad more so that my cousin was there for me...and I hope I can help him whenever he needs my help...
ttyl
Monday, October 20, 2008
worth it
I spent the day resting and thinking a lot of thinking.
Is it ok if Im completely lost in these thoughts of these current situations?
I mean to have someone care about me..someone I consider to be my sister to end up like that is really scary. what I mean by that is to have her really want to hurt me what was it? what was it really? is there something that Im not seeing or is this just the end of things?
I dont even know where to begin or what to say or how to say it or what to do.
I mean really really I feel really sad that I've lost my one friend. someone that I have looked out for and really been there for. to have her want to hurt me that way for what reason? nothing more then love? I want to call her I want to talk to her but Im not going to. what's the point. the point is that I want to know what's going on.
my heart aches for the decisions that have been made...for the things that have been said. and yet all under the influence of alcohol..
If not that...I am waking up early tomorrow to deal wtih a couple things I really need to start doing the things that I am responsibile for..one of those things is my bank. I have to talk to them before Friday or they are going to garnish my wages and that's the last thing I need right now because winter is coming and I have one pair of shoes that are starting to rip apart. if not that then I also have a cell phone that's just sitting on no access. I mean I can't use it anymore. it's useless to me.
I have to figure out what the bank wants becaues if they want their $93 dollars on Friday no problem. I've worked for the last three weeks straight some overtime so I should get a good cheque and the last thing I need is to see it all go away.because of this bank. Im told i've got some options with that. and I dont want to look at those things. I just need to find the time to make a chart of important things Ineed to pay.
If not that I have counselling coming up and Im not looking forward to it.. thankfully we will be able to stay away from topics I don't want to talk about...I mean I've been doing pretty good for it being October and all.
My main support system is my cousin and his girlfriend and my counselor. that's it. there was someone else but I guess they are being caged up or something. it's ok because I wouldn't be able to say the things I say to my cousin and his girlfriend...I mean it's easier with them becaues Im more vulnerable with them and Im able to fall apart.able to talk with them. have them come to me if I needed it or something. I mean it's a good thing for me.
Do I have every right to be sad?
I mean really....when we think about it... my old best friend, my sister... someone I really cared for has turned on me... for what reason? becaues I love someone...cherish someone.. and everything... I dont know what to do with that. because I dont get this situation at all.. but even then I still care.
well I finally decided what I should do and I made the right decision. i called my sister to talk to her about the whole thing regardless.
She doesn't remember anything. so we are working things out to the best our ability.
I mean I can't let this go and stuff..
well I have to go because Im still on the phone...
probably write again later or tomorrow.
good night
Is it ok if Im completely lost in these thoughts of these current situations?
I mean to have someone care about me..someone I consider to be my sister to end up like that is really scary. what I mean by that is to have her really want to hurt me what was it? what was it really? is there something that Im not seeing or is this just the end of things?
I dont even know where to begin or what to say or how to say it or what to do.
I mean really really I feel really sad that I've lost my one friend. someone that I have looked out for and really been there for. to have her want to hurt me that way for what reason? nothing more then love? I want to call her I want to talk to her but Im not going to. what's the point. the point is that I want to know what's going on.
my heart aches for the decisions that have been made...for the things that have been said. and yet all under the influence of alcohol..
If not that...I am waking up early tomorrow to deal wtih a couple things I really need to start doing the things that I am responsibile for..one of those things is my bank. I have to talk to them before Friday or they are going to garnish my wages and that's the last thing I need right now because winter is coming and I have one pair of shoes that are starting to rip apart. if not that then I also have a cell phone that's just sitting on no access. I mean I can't use it anymore. it's useless to me.
I have to figure out what the bank wants becaues if they want their $93 dollars on Friday no problem. I've worked for the last three weeks straight some overtime so I should get a good cheque and the last thing I need is to see it all go away.because of this bank. Im told i've got some options with that. and I dont want to look at those things. I just need to find the time to make a chart of important things Ineed to pay.
If not that I have counselling coming up and Im not looking forward to it.. thankfully we will be able to stay away from topics I don't want to talk about...I mean I've been doing pretty good for it being October and all.
My main support system is my cousin and his girlfriend and my counselor. that's it. there was someone else but I guess they are being caged up or something. it's ok because I wouldn't be able to say the things I say to my cousin and his girlfriend...I mean it's easier with them becaues Im more vulnerable with them and Im able to fall apart.able to talk with them. have them come to me if I needed it or something. I mean it's a good thing for me.
Do I have every right to be sad?
I mean really....when we think about it... my old best friend, my sister... someone I really cared for has turned on me... for what reason? becaues I love someone...cherish someone.. and everything... I dont know what to do with that. because I dont get this situation at all.. but even then I still care.
well I finally decided what I should do and I made the right decision. i called my sister to talk to her about the whole thing regardless.
She doesn't remember anything. so we are working things out to the best our ability.
I mean I can't let this go and stuff..
well I have to go because Im still on the phone...
probably write again later or tomorrow.
good night
missing him
Im told that it's a good thing that I've not allowed myself to get rattled up in my emotions about my father's death anniversary coming up. I was just thinking about this justnow and maybe Im crazy but Im going to say this either way...maybe I put myself in that place because I'll miss him and remember him more. and then if Im not thinking about him then Im feeling like Im not missing him. so when I get all upset about october its because im scared I won't miss him, or maybe even one day forget him. so once a year I put myself in this mode of remembering him more and more..
I dont know. I just listenning to some oldies... more like "the rolling stones" one of my dad's favorite bands...and yet I don't remember them you know? I mean I never heard this type of music often. it's hard to remember those sorts of details.
I can still remember though.. I remember.. the way his hand felt in mine. I remember riding on his shoulders. I remember laughing with him. I remember how much I cherished him. I remember how much I loved him...and when he was away from me I always felt like there was a part of me that was not all there... then when I say that then I remember thenights that we sat there in our living room just looking at him..crying..screaming...crying... asking me or my mom to let him in the house...my mom would cry too adn tell me this was tough love and we had to make him learn...but I remember my heart breaking every moment that I seen him. every moment I forced to leave that door locked. I can still picture those terrible nights that he spent outside our house..like a dog sitting in our back yard crying...wanting to come inside.
I remember the nights that we watched the hockey games...or startrek or whatever that was. I remember his orange couch and how much he loved it..an how much I loved sitting with him in that chair..
remembering the nights I was sick and he would tap on the window after my mom went to bed and how I let him in...and how he would care for me while I was sick.
Then people are asking me to remember the good times of my father... those are more difficult.. I remember when Jeffrey was born. my dad and I were at the house...and all's I thought about was my dad and how much I needed to be wtih my mom. I slept with her jacket over me becaues I was that sad that she was gone..I was worried about her. so the next morning my dad woke me up and then he took me on our long walk to the hospital..
now this is where I get mixed up because I don't remember Randy being there...I dont get why that is...my only guess is maybe I got Randy'sbirth and Jeffrey's birth mixed up... but either way it was one of them..and on our walk from Renfrew and Grandview hwy we walked to BC women's hospital...we made it just a little way...and I sat at a bus stop and I wanted to say my feet are tired...to my dad...and instead I said "Daddy foot tired" how long was I bothered with that after that? years and years..and even then I could say it tomy older sister and she'd still laugh at me for that...
another happy moment. when my dad used to take me to lost logoon...Im notsure why he took me there...that's what Im trying to figure out...but we used to go to Stanley park and although I hardly remember those times...I remember that I was glad tobe with him at those times..so maybe it was happy times...
I dont get this thingabout not remembering anything..I hate the my mind has surpressed those thoughts and feelings...
it's annoying because I wonder if I'd ever get those back...but maybe because of all thebad times I blocked out everything...sometimes I wish I could just block out everything in my life..
Just stop feeling. stop caring...stop giving. stop everything because it hurts too much...
I dont know what's going on. I dont know where to begin to even start...
I got into an arugment which turned into a near fight with someone.... this someone is someone I cherished for a lot of my years. someone that tried to die with me one day. someone I had taken care of for the longest time. to have this situation break down the way it has..it hurts. it hurts.
all because of love...
I admitted that I love someone...someone more then life itself. someone I cherish and admire with every part of me. adn then tohave this situation just crush everything. I mean this person this friend...crushed me with this argument. this situation because Im not even sure where to begin..I just feel like im losing my mind.
I dont know...
I dont know what to do because...it feels like Im losing everything right now...yet I've gained the best people in my life and that's Trevor and Krissy. these people are there for me in the worst moments..and they are always a phone call away. they have helped me through so much.. and given me right advice and loved me. let me be vulnerable or angry or anything.
Im so not sure of anything.
I dont know. I just listenning to some oldies... more like "the rolling stones" one of my dad's favorite bands...and yet I don't remember them you know? I mean I never heard this type of music often. it's hard to remember those sorts of details.
I can still remember though.. I remember.. the way his hand felt in mine. I remember riding on his shoulders. I remember laughing with him. I remember how much I cherished him. I remember how much I loved him...and when he was away from me I always felt like there was a part of me that was not all there... then when I say that then I remember thenights that we sat there in our living room just looking at him..crying..screaming...crying... asking me or my mom to let him in the house...my mom would cry too adn tell me this was tough love and we had to make him learn...but I remember my heart breaking every moment that I seen him. every moment I forced to leave that door locked. I can still picture those terrible nights that he spent outside our house..like a dog sitting in our back yard crying...wanting to come inside.
I remember the nights that we watched the hockey games...or startrek or whatever that was. I remember his orange couch and how much he loved it..an how much I loved sitting with him in that chair..
remembering the nights I was sick and he would tap on the window after my mom went to bed and how I let him in...and how he would care for me while I was sick.
Then people are asking me to remember the good times of my father... those are more difficult.. I remember when Jeffrey was born. my dad and I were at the house...and all's I thought about was my dad and how much I needed to be wtih my mom. I slept with her jacket over me becaues I was that sad that she was gone..I was worried about her. so the next morning my dad woke me up and then he took me on our long walk to the hospital..
now this is where I get mixed up because I don't remember Randy being there...I dont get why that is...my only guess is maybe I got Randy'sbirth and Jeffrey's birth mixed up... but either way it was one of them..and on our walk from Renfrew and Grandview hwy we walked to BC women's hospital...we made it just a little way...and I sat at a bus stop and I wanted to say my feet are tired...to my dad...and instead I said "Daddy foot tired" how long was I bothered with that after that? years and years..and even then I could say it tomy older sister and she'd still laugh at me for that...
another happy moment. when my dad used to take me to lost logoon...Im notsure why he took me there...that's what Im trying to figure out...but we used to go to Stanley park and although I hardly remember those times...I remember that I was glad tobe with him at those times..so maybe it was happy times...
I dont get this thingabout not remembering anything..I hate the my mind has surpressed those thoughts and feelings...
it's annoying because I wonder if I'd ever get those back...but maybe because of all thebad times I blocked out everything...sometimes I wish I could just block out everything in my life..
Just stop feeling. stop caring...stop giving. stop everything because it hurts too much...
I dont know what's going on. I dont know where to begin to even start...
I got into an arugment which turned into a near fight with someone.... this someone is someone I cherished for a lot of my years. someone that tried to die with me one day. someone I had taken care of for the longest time. to have this situation break down the way it has..it hurts. it hurts.
all because of love...
I admitted that I love someone...someone more then life itself. someone I cherish and admire with every part of me. adn then tohave this situation just crush everything. I mean this person this friend...crushed me with this argument. this situation because Im not even sure where to begin..I just feel like im losing my mind.
I dont know...
I dont know what to do because...it feels like Im losing everything right now...yet I've gained the best people in my life and that's Trevor and Krissy. these people are there for me in the worst moments..and they are always a phone call away. they have helped me through so much.. and given me right advice and loved me. let me be vulnerable or angry or anything.
Im so not sure of anything.
Friday, October 17, 2008
letting him go
I believe it was about a year ago maybe more Im not too sure. I met someone that I loved talking too, loved hanging out with. I am sure I spent one of my dad's anniversary's maybe last years anniversary with him. we would walk the streets, talking, chilling and enjoying life. enjoying our times together. I think it was when I found out he felt the same way about me that changed alot in me. I had never felt so comfortable with anyone, someone I cherished more then ever. We talked. hung out and everything. he respected me more then anyone ever has. and he was always just a great man.
I moved to Vancouver..
It was in November of last year....he said this to me.
he said as he saw me off at the bus station as I headed to Belleville to visit a friend. he said "I feel like Im never going to see you again"
my heart skipped a beat. and I didn't believe that. I mean I knew I'd see him it was only two weeks and I'd do everything I could to conact him when I returned.
however that two weeks I believe turned into three. and then two days after I returned I was in Vancouver for about a month or so. and then I went back to Ontario for all of three days. before permanitely moving back to Vancouver.
there was not a day that went by that I didn't call him and talk to him. write to him. wish for him. everything just because he was one of my favorite people. someone I pictured myself one day ending up with. someone I really loved. I remember the feelings I got when I seen him. I remember the feelings of me when he'd brush my hair from my face. or when he'd hold my hand. he was truly an amazing man someone that I loved adn still love very much.
I have forced myself to forget about him. because we are miles apart and he cant leave Ontario and so the only way this would all work out is if I moved back. and I feel obligated to be in vancouver.
It's so painful to think of him. however tonight as I played some cards. it brought him up. I thought about him as I have these past few days. because I truly care for him and miss him greatly. Just before I left to come back to vancouver. I bought him a Christmas present. it was a toque that I found at Old Navy....just before I left for the bus when he dropped me off.. he said that he should wear a touque because hats don't suite him..I agreed because we tried it out. and I knew that this touqe was perfect...I never got it to him. and I ended up wearing it while being here in vancouver. it took about a month or two before I let anyone else wear it. because I knew it belonged to him...and I had strongly hoped that one day I'd see him and give him his gift.
my heart aches...because I haven't allowed myself to think of him in so long..that now that I do. it makes me sad it makes me miss him so much. I mean my cousin Trevor even talked to him. told him to come to Vancouver..come and be with me because he made me so happy.
I think part of the reason things sorta changed between him adn I...was because of my drinking becaues I started going down that road. and did it really badly..I got the overdue visa payments and all that to prove it.
how can it be?
How can I love him this much....spend the last I think seven months or less making myself forget him... is it because there is someone else in my life? and even if there is it doesn't change the way I feel about him. I mean Ontario is far away and Im not going back to live there... but my heart a piece of me will always be there because of him... however I said I'd let that go. and I did. but lately it's all that has come to my mind...it's put my heart at rest because of the emotions that I've been thinking about.
I mean when I was with him....it wasn't about the affection that he showed me. it wasn't about his hand in mine....it didn't matter where we went or what we did. he made me feel something more amazing then I had ever felt. we could sit on the edge of the curb for hours just admiring each other. enjoying the nights of the stars. we could find beauty in all kinds of weather. we had the same likes and dislikes. he showed me things that I'd not seen before...he made me feel something...it's just so crazy...
yet..
yet..
yet.........
Here I am. on a Friday early morning.... thinking about him..wishing that I could talk to him. hear his voice..see his face.. see him smile...I want him to come to vancouver. I want to show him the beauties of our citiy here...I mean it's more amazing then there..because we have so much more and I know it more...
why do I miss him so much right now? what is it that has brought this up?
I know that he was there the days that I needed him to be..that's in two weeks..he stayed with me. hung out with me..and helped me get through the moments..he let me cry on his shoulder he wiped the tears from my eyes. he made me smile when i was down in the blue.
how do you let someone like that go? I dont even know...
I just cant believe it came to my mind this way and brought up all these memories...
Im missing him today...
Good night
I moved to Vancouver..
It was in November of last year....he said this to me.
he said as he saw me off at the bus station as I headed to Belleville to visit a friend. he said "I feel like Im never going to see you again"
my heart skipped a beat. and I didn't believe that. I mean I knew I'd see him it was only two weeks and I'd do everything I could to conact him when I returned.
however that two weeks I believe turned into three. and then two days after I returned I was in Vancouver for about a month or so. and then I went back to Ontario for all of three days. before permanitely moving back to Vancouver.
there was not a day that went by that I didn't call him and talk to him. write to him. wish for him. everything just because he was one of my favorite people. someone I pictured myself one day ending up with. someone I really loved. I remember the feelings I got when I seen him. I remember the feelings of me when he'd brush my hair from my face. or when he'd hold my hand. he was truly an amazing man someone that I loved adn still love very much.
I have forced myself to forget about him. because we are miles apart and he cant leave Ontario and so the only way this would all work out is if I moved back. and I feel obligated to be in vancouver.
It's so painful to think of him. however tonight as I played some cards. it brought him up. I thought about him as I have these past few days. because I truly care for him and miss him greatly. Just before I left to come back to vancouver. I bought him a Christmas present. it was a toque that I found at Old Navy....just before I left for the bus when he dropped me off.. he said that he should wear a touque because hats don't suite him..I agreed because we tried it out. and I knew that this touqe was perfect...I never got it to him. and I ended up wearing it while being here in vancouver. it took about a month or two before I let anyone else wear it. because I knew it belonged to him...and I had strongly hoped that one day I'd see him and give him his gift.
my heart aches...because I haven't allowed myself to think of him in so long..that now that I do. it makes me sad it makes me miss him so much. I mean my cousin Trevor even talked to him. told him to come to Vancouver..come and be with me because he made me so happy.
I think part of the reason things sorta changed between him adn I...was because of my drinking becaues I started going down that road. and did it really badly..I got the overdue visa payments and all that to prove it.
how can it be?
How can I love him this much....spend the last I think seven months or less making myself forget him... is it because there is someone else in my life? and even if there is it doesn't change the way I feel about him. I mean Ontario is far away and Im not going back to live there... but my heart a piece of me will always be there because of him... however I said I'd let that go. and I did. but lately it's all that has come to my mind...it's put my heart at rest because of the emotions that I've been thinking about.
I mean when I was with him....it wasn't about the affection that he showed me. it wasn't about his hand in mine....it didn't matter where we went or what we did. he made me feel something more amazing then I had ever felt. we could sit on the edge of the curb for hours just admiring each other. enjoying the nights of the stars. we could find beauty in all kinds of weather. we had the same likes and dislikes. he showed me things that I'd not seen before...he made me feel something...it's just so crazy...
yet..
yet..
yet.........
Here I am. on a Friday early morning.... thinking about him..wishing that I could talk to him. hear his voice..see his face.. see him smile...I want him to come to vancouver. I want to show him the beauties of our citiy here...I mean it's more amazing then there..because we have so much more and I know it more...
why do I miss him so much right now? what is it that has brought this up?
I know that he was there the days that I needed him to be..that's in two weeks..he stayed with me. hung out with me..and helped me get through the moments..he let me cry on his shoulder he wiped the tears from my eyes. he made me smile when i was down in the blue.
how do you let someone like that go? I dont even know...
I just cant believe it came to my mind this way and brought up all these memories...
Im missing him today...
Good night
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
chances
I went to counselling.. it was really interesting because I've never really talked about my sister. I mean my older sister. some people don't really know I have a sister..and yet when you get me in those moments of talking about my sister. this deep hope rises in me....as to one day seeing my sister in her pride and glory..looking beautiful then ever and being the greatest sister I'd ever have! besides the other ones.
It was kinda funny..talking about her. cause when I turned to see my counselor it was like she was in this daze or something..like I knew she was listenning..however one of those things where the conversation was so intense that she listened intently. maybe it was something I said.
You know what I enjoy about counselling is no matter how bad I go in there..like how much I dread going behind those closed doors...and talking about stuff I dont really talk about with many people other then Trevor. I always would hope she wouldn't be there...you know? just once have her not there..but then I rememebr when she was actually not there how furious it made me because I felt I have no idea how I felt. but it was not a happy feeling.
anyhow everytime I go to counselling no matter what kind of garbage I spill out...I always seem to be able to laugh with her. I think that's wierd. I mean I remember in counselling in Ontario it would seem to take days for someone to make me smile after counselling..espcially if it was an intense counselling session, those are the ones when you go to counselling and the words are said and then this huge wrap around and then you end up like feeling guilty or ashamed or something for saying things. but of course the best parts are that they never say those judgements on you. like some people would...the whole sometimes people would say get over it..he died so many years ago.
a counselor doesn't say that..she might want too...lol...maybe the people who say that dont really know the whole story..whereas a counselor does you know?
either way i can go on and on my friend about how counselling never seems to end..lol
other then that. I've found myself in and out of this good phase. a part of me trys to forget that's its october however the other part of me..dreads every second of it...although there are those glimers of hope that float through on each e-mail I recieve from my greatest love!
those are the moments that captivate me.
this love of my life...the lighthouse in this dark storm. this ray of light..this shinning star. my love could've walked away this month..could've let me fall apart all on my own. I could've walked away because I wanted too..I know the person I become in October and that's why I would rather close people off...however my love...stayed. and every second of everyday regardless of how I feel it's like on the coldest days or nights...I just go and think of my love..and it brings a warmth to these cold times.
I feel glad for that.
I could not be happier.
however I also could not be more broken.. I mean...thinking of my dad and the person he was. and wondering about things...youknow? I mean there was a movie on tonight that was made in 1994 and I watched it only because it made me think if I had ever watched it with him... it hurts to know there are very little things like that I can remember. I still remember different things. but to be able to remember everything would be great. I mean the good with the bad. but it's done this way for a reason.
the best things are rightnow.. is that today i feel loved. and I have expressed my great joy to my love and to here...that you know what..regardless of these next two weeks of pain. I will remember that I felt loved today...there is nothing more amazing then that..Im glad to be here. it feels good to be here
good night
It was kinda funny..talking about her. cause when I turned to see my counselor it was like she was in this daze or something..like I knew she was listenning..however one of those things where the conversation was so intense that she listened intently. maybe it was something I said.
You know what I enjoy about counselling is no matter how bad I go in there..like how much I dread going behind those closed doors...and talking about stuff I dont really talk about with many people other then Trevor. I always would hope she wouldn't be there...you know? just once have her not there..but then I rememebr when she was actually not there how furious it made me because I felt I have no idea how I felt. but it was not a happy feeling.
anyhow everytime I go to counselling no matter what kind of garbage I spill out...I always seem to be able to laugh with her. I think that's wierd. I mean I remember in counselling in Ontario it would seem to take days for someone to make me smile after counselling..espcially if it was an intense counselling session, those are the ones when you go to counselling and the words are said and then this huge wrap around and then you end up like feeling guilty or ashamed or something for saying things. but of course the best parts are that they never say those judgements on you. like some people would...the whole sometimes people would say get over it..he died so many years ago.
a counselor doesn't say that..she might want too...lol...maybe the people who say that dont really know the whole story..whereas a counselor does you know?
either way i can go on and on my friend about how counselling never seems to end..lol
other then that. I've found myself in and out of this good phase. a part of me trys to forget that's its october however the other part of me..dreads every second of it...although there are those glimers of hope that float through on each e-mail I recieve from my greatest love!
those are the moments that captivate me.
this love of my life...the lighthouse in this dark storm. this ray of light..this shinning star. my love could've walked away this month..could've let me fall apart all on my own. I could've walked away because I wanted too..I know the person I become in October and that's why I would rather close people off...however my love...stayed. and every second of everyday regardless of how I feel it's like on the coldest days or nights...I just go and think of my love..and it brings a warmth to these cold times.
I feel glad for that.
I could not be happier.
however I also could not be more broken.. I mean...thinking of my dad and the person he was. and wondering about things...youknow? I mean there was a movie on tonight that was made in 1994 and I watched it only because it made me think if I had ever watched it with him... it hurts to know there are very little things like that I can remember. I still remember different things. but to be able to remember everything would be great. I mean the good with the bad. but it's done this way for a reason.
the best things are rightnow.. is that today i feel loved. and I have expressed my great joy to my love and to here...that you know what..regardless of these next two weeks of pain. I will remember that I felt loved today...there is nothing more amazing then that..Im glad to be here. it feels good to be here
good night
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