reality check

I recently as of yesterday went through a situation I did not know how to deal with. my family life has become this turmoil of constant pain and just lack of discipline.

I got so angry that I left the house and went out on my own for most of the night. I went all the way to North Van because I figured it was the furthest away that I could get from my house. I also went because in my mind...I had felt that I had once again failed everything good in my life and threfore I had to defile...myself..my memories of goodness.

The memory of North Van is that my dad used to take me on the seabus I don't remember why or anything like that I just know that to me it was a special time... and because I had felt so low in my life I had deal with it. my way of dealing with it was not crying, not crying to anyone. I didn't cry, I dont actually cry...and therefore I cut myself....a few times.
I then thought of another memory that was happy and that was working at that workshop on Granville Island I mean this was the one place I loved going because I made friends and a way to survive and everything..I mean I could not describe to you the amazing people I met there..

So I then went to Granville island and cut myself again.

it was after or during all this happened that two people....came into my life.... one being my counselor who just missed the whole thing by two minutes..and then my friend Krissy who missed it by a whole half hour..

I dont know what's going on in my life..maybe it's all the time I'm spending trying to make my house a happy house, not really a happy house...but a house of rules a place where we are forced to have rules...which seems lost because no matter what I do they get around it, and then if not then they torment me with freakin bulshit that tears holes in my heart....

I then realized after all of this that I wasn't even sure who to call...to tell someone that I had felt I had failed. that I messed up real bad in my life. that I could not survive these emotions.. that I wasn't eating. that I wasn't sleeping. that I wasn't living. where do i send these emotions?

then I figure in my head. this is my fault..,because I should'n't have left the way i did. I should've tried to deal with these emotions at home...but when I start shaking the way I was I knew I was angry and was going to hit something, say something that would hurt someone and so I had to leave.
But what if I was supposed to say? I couldnt stay...

I didn't even go anywhere or do anything. I mean I just left and cut myself and I didn't cry. I have become emotionless when it comes to crying...tears might well up in my eyes but I'd forbid myself from feeling emotion.

I didn't know who to call....do you know how terrible that is? I mean I didn't know who to call for help.

Im not sure what that means but to me it means that I dont really have that many close friends that I can turn too...and so I did what I had to just to make sure I wouldn't feel anything...

who knows..

so now Im home and Im just realizing no matter what I say or do...nothing changes...and so Ive decided to stop changing...maybe this is where I just change myself....

it's one of those
Lead by example or whatever...

I do things and then maybe they will follow...I just dont know what to do anymore..but Im feeling like Im drawing my last breath...
so I have booked everything for me to be leaving Saturday if the weather is alright..and Im going to see my uncle...

I have had him on my heart for a while now...and so now I've decided that this is the time.. and then I find out he had another mild stroke and that makes me sad....it brings tears to my eyes but again i dont cry...but Im scared...I want to spend every waking minute with my uncle and just show him that I love him..so this trip is not a two way thing...I leave until it's time to come back...I just want to spend time with him..and hope that it'll be enough you know?

well that's all my words that I needed to say...

if anything else...for the first time in years...this has never felt like christmas to me..... I heard this phrase about christmas being about markets selling sky high, and visa bills going out the roof and I realized thats it...we've made christmas into this expansive thing...its no longer about my family but about the sizeable gift we buy those we love.
so I didn't buy anythign for anyone..becaues not only do I not have the money...I just dont want christmas in my life to be about buying gifts...

I was thinking about this....this one amazing christmas I had...back in Ontario..
I was missing the christmas party becaues I came down with the flu...and my friend Angela I think dressed up like santa claus. and my close friends at that time came up the stairs singing and everything...to me that was christmas because I had the dearest friends to me, by my side. and I will never forget that because it was one of the best christmass in my life...because they were the ones that just showed me what christmas was all about...and that's what I loved so much.....I'll never forget that..

good night