this past week

So it's been just over a week. I would've liked to write through these past few days however our computer is down and so we were trying to fix it but had no success.

I think it was on Tuesday I had counselling this past week. it's hard to think of what had happened that week. But Im guessing it had to do with counselling I had been upset about some things that were mentioned or whatever. I realize the only reason I was upset was because of what I would lose if I had decided to do the things that were mentioned or a food for thought. I didn't want to even imagine what it would be like if I had considered it. I actually was really upset I was at work and fighting back tears...it's one of those food for thought that you would wish would just leave your mind..however they don't..and your mind races through the what if's the could haves...or all that. was not one of my fond moments in life.
It had nothing really to do with my counselor..she just wants to see my make it. or see me succeed. however the topic was too touchy for me and I wanted to shut down and I probably did.

I cancelled all opportunity for a future appointment for the rest of the week. and even for this week. I didn't want to talk about what had happened the previous week...however now it's kind of changed...I mean the things I thought I'd lose if I made decisions like that...it seems I've lost them already...maybe all in a frenzy of pushing me to this point..

This past weekend...was my father's 13yr death anniversary. Every thing in me wanted to get wasted..drink my sorrows away.. But I didn't.. I spent time wtih my cousin...my only cousin that's been there for me for so many years. I stayed with him. talked to him..cried with him. he has helped pull me through this anniversary.
I didn't drink on Friday or Saturday. I think I just stayed home hung out and went to bed early. I didn't really talk to anyone because I wasn't up for anything like that...
The sunday seemed more dreadful then I thought it would be...

I woke up and my heart began to sink. the realization that I was able to wakeup on a day like today. I couldn't imagine getting outta bed because my heart was crying....sobbing in tears. I couldnt survive today. Thankfully my cousin knew that...it was like he knew that this would be the day I'd fall apart.
His girlfriend, me and him decided that today we would honor my father. I had remembered what my counselor had said about going somewhere that made me happy, that my father had taken me. the only place that I could remember...was this one place and Im not even sure why I was there..or why it made me so happy.. but I only knew of oneplace... and that was "the lost lagoon" at Stanley Park..... when I was a kid my dad used to take me there and Im not sure why but I knew that it made me happy.
So off we went... on Sunday evening. we travelled downtown...to Stanley Park. The best part of it was there was not a cloud in the sky. all we seen were the beautiful stars in the sky...

We got to Lost Lagoon. and sat for a bit just chilling...thoughts in my mind ran me through all the memories I could get into...about my father..none bad...just the happy ones...
then we were off to find some bark or something to put our candles on to put into the water. it was a very intreresting fun experience. we got back...and we all rested....as we lit our candles and set the bark into the water... we sat listenning to my dad's favorite musie "the rolling stones" and I just looked up at the sky...and allowed my mind to wonder into the memories of my father. the happy thoughts.the hugs..the love. the everything that was good. and a began to smile... because it was then that I knew that I knew that my dad did love me.

we sat there for about an hour...just watching our little bark thingy float away....

we left...and it was just an amazing experience..to have the two people that love me the most. more then anyone has ever loved me..to be there for me...to help me thruogh that...and have them there...it just made me realize all that I needed to know...I was so glad to have these two in my life....

we stopped and had a snack before we headed back home. I bought two pounds of wings to share. and it was awesome. I had one drink..I was so glad that I did too because the wings were really hot...I loved it... I was glad to be with them....took 120 photos...I was really glad they would share this experience with me.

the following day...Monday is the day on our "In loving memory" thingys it says he died on the 27 although I knew it was the day before. i took the day off work...rested and just thought about calling my grandma.
that evening Bob called and I asked him to take me to that church he had talked about to light a candle for my dad.. it didn't work out and I ended up going and drinking. I only had about four drinks because it was not my plan to drink. or to get drunk it was not what I wanted. I didn't get drunk. thankfully.. I got home...and that was it......

It's been in these past few days that I've realizzed...that Im done with that life.. I dont want to do those things and I dont want to live that kind of life anymore. I dont want those kinds of people in my life anymore.
This was one of the first anniversaries I didn't go and get wasted. I didn't cry about my dad. I just honoured him. and said a prayer for him. an although I drank on the Monday. I didn't get durnk. but I realized that the life he lived...he wouldn't want me to live that kind of life either.
the only way for that to begin is to let go....

here's my favorite phrase "LET GO"

Of all those people who influence me in that life. people who want me to drink...people who want me to waste my life away. It's not for me.
I have a commitment to my family. I have a responsibility to my bills. and I have every reason in my life to be happy. to enjoy life without the influence of alcohol in my life.
it seems so strange for someone like me to be saying something like that but I just realize more and more the choices I have made in the past have destroyed my mind. my memory. I mean I remember the things I did under the influence and I remember the pain others caused me. I remember the pain that I caused me.
either way. I am totally done with that kind of life and Im ready to move on.

"MOVE ON"
with my life

This was a great experience for me...

Im glad more so that my cousin was there for me...and I hope I can help him whenever he needs my help...

ttyl