courage

I started yesterday...road to success here I come again.

It was a month ago that I fell from my ways of doing good...with not cutting. but with the new year coming around the corner I decided that I wanted to try more and more then I ever have before. So yesterday my cousin and I went to North Van where it happened a month ago. and I threw away my blade again.

I felt bad that I had went to these places that make my heart warm and memories are great. to have gone there and defiled it with my pain and everything...expressing it the way that I had.. but I went back yesterday and I just had good thoughts...and a desire for a better hope and future ahead of me.

I forgot that my counselor wants to hear about this cutting thing...can you believe it? I mean its something I've done for ten years now and this is the first time it could be used in a positive way and so Im hoping to help out with that..
I mean when I was living in Ontario. and came to visit one year. I was asked to speak to some youth...and when I shared with them who I was and the things I had done in the past.. it really made an impact on them..

So for me to teach and share some of my life with my counselor..it's awesome...
However this is one topic that I dont talk about...I mean for me to talk about cutting. it's like me talking about the real emotions that I feel...the real pain that haunts me...so it'll be difficult. .but I guess all great things have to be difficult.

Other then the new year..idea...

Im looking forward to hearing about whats going on with my mentor and friend. because seriously its at times the only thing that keeps me together. I mean I get to learn from a woman with an extraordinary gift to be great. to teach. to learn. to everything that's great. and so Im really looking forward to that.

One thing I took from that workshop that I did..was the freedom of our lives. I mean. really I have gone out TWICE IN MY entire 23yrs of life... and I danced...on the street listenning to some great music...and my cousin laughs at me...But for me to be able to do that..and just be able to laugh at myself..or have that kind of freedom in my life..it's amazingly great...and I love the way it makes me feel...and I love making other people laugh..which is abnormal for me. because im not someone who likes being seen in big crowds...

As for feelings wise....well Im loooking back at this year...and thanking God that its over. there's been so much that has went on this year that has been extremly painful. and Ive got the scars to prove how painful this has been for me. however some good came from it..
I mean feelings wise... there's just been something growing in me...the freedom that im talking about...it's like a high for me.... Im not someone to be able to be great and happy.. I mean those who know me know the pain that I suffer and know the person I am...and for me to say that I've found a piece of freedom that Im able to express myself in a different way it's pretty damn amazing.

For the most of it right now....

emotions wise... I dont know...

The one thing I'm looking forward to is getting one gift...is that sad to say? Maybe it's because its something i really really wanted...and the person that's getting it for me..I only bought a christmas gift for her. which was pretty outta the world for me... but it was awesome.. I loved it and so for her to tell me she's going to buy me something I want...it'll be great...
Its like...

the one year.... many years ago... I had wanted this one Cd..just this one CD. and I was going to buy it myself..and something told me not too..and on Christmas day this family, my friends bought me this gift..this CD! Do you know???How happy I was? I wanted to scream and dance for joy because for the first time something I really wanted was given to me and it was a huge suprise.
I'll never forget that year. and I'll never for that amazing family. because all my life... it's been difficult to have a reaction to gifts when there things that I didnt ask for...the gesture was great and everything..but for me to react it's like..I'd rather open this gift in private..lol

wow

you know one new years. I haven't forgotten this one year either..for one new years. I was at a party it was a Christian thing that I got invited too.. and instead of all the different things people could do.. we just had fun playing games and everything...and then at midnight most of the adults went outside banging on pots and pans screaming Happy new year..
I haven't spent a new years like that...for a while

this last year...I was home..and once midnight came I went to bed.lol

If I had to pick one great moment that came this year...it would be meeting Margo Kane. I mean that was the best time ever in my entire life..or when she awarded me for volunteering for the whole week for the talking stick festival. Either way my best moments this year would be wrapped around my experience with margo kane. because I've met some amazing people through her, and I've learned so much working along side people that work for her.

well.. I guess im off to bed...