chances

I went to counselling.. it was really interesting because I've never really talked about my sister. I mean my older sister. some people don't really know I have a sister..and yet when you get me in those moments of talking about my sister. this deep hope rises in me....as to one day seeing my sister in her pride and glory..looking beautiful then ever and being the greatest sister I'd ever have! besides the other ones.

It was kinda funny..talking about her. cause when I turned to see my counselor it was like she was in this daze or something..like I knew she was listenning..however one of those things where the conversation was so intense that she listened intently. maybe it was something I said.

You know what I enjoy about counselling is no matter how bad I go in there..like how much I dread going behind those closed doors...and talking about stuff I dont really talk about with many people other then Trevor. I always would hope she wouldn't be there...you know? just once have her not there..but then I rememebr when she was actually not there how furious it made me because I felt I have no idea how I felt. but it was not a happy feeling.

anyhow everytime I go to counselling no matter what kind of garbage I spill out...I always seem to be able to laugh with her. I think that's wierd. I mean I remember in counselling in Ontario it would seem to take days for someone to make me smile after counselling..espcially if it was an intense counselling session, those are the ones when you go to counselling and the words are said and then this huge wrap around and then you end up like feeling guilty or ashamed or something for saying things. but of course the best parts are that they never say those judgements on you. like some people would...the whole sometimes people would say get over it..he died so many years ago.
a counselor doesn't say that..she might want too...lol...maybe the people who say that dont really know the whole story..whereas a counselor does you know?

either way i can go on and on my friend about how counselling never seems to end..lol

other then that. I've found myself in and out of this good phase. a part of me trys to forget that's its october however the other part of me..dreads every second of it...although there are those glimers of hope that float through on each e-mail I recieve from my greatest love!
those are the moments that captivate me.

this love of my life...the lighthouse in this dark storm. this ray of light..this shinning star. my love could've walked away this month..could've let me fall apart all on my own. I could've walked away because I wanted too..I know the person I become in October and that's why I would rather close people off...however my love...stayed. and every second of everyday regardless of how I feel it's like on the coldest days or nights...I just go and think of my love..and it brings a warmth to these cold times.

I feel glad for that.

I could not be happier.

however I also could not be more broken.. I mean...thinking of my dad and the person he was. and wondering about things...youknow? I mean there was a movie on tonight that was made in 1994 and I watched it only because it made me think if I had ever watched it with him... it hurts to know there are very little things like that I can remember. I still remember different things. but to be able to remember everything would be great. I mean the good with the bad. but it's done this way for a reason.

the best things are rightnow.. is that today i feel loved. and I have expressed my great joy to my love and to here...that you know what..regardless of these next two weeks of pain. I will remember that I felt loved today...there is nothing more amazing then that..Im glad to be here. it feels good to be here


good night