unsure territory

It's hard to figure out where to begin...I guess with the starting of this week. I started attending a workshop..something that I didn't think I'd be interested in but it was as a favor to my great inspiration and friend Margo.
since attending the workshop I've found myself in this place in my mind where Im trying to act everything....haha... I catch myself walking down the street imitating something I'm listenning too or just thinking...I started singing terribly when Im wanting to embarass myself..

However apart from this workshop...

My schedule has had to change and change...and hope that it is done with change.

It's hard to figure out what to say... I mean today I sat at my seat just listenning not intently.. and then I looked at the vicious villian...I looked at my arm.. memories of past events that have tormented me to the point of self-abuse... Im not sure what it was that caused me to get upset.. but when I left my workshop I was on my way home with one intention..to hurt myself.. it has been five weeks since I have drank, five weeks since I cut myself..and today was the first day that I felt so low for some reason...

I actually figured..it might be about how I feel in this workshop...my lack of imput..and my lack of participation or being able to understand what's going on...I felt inadequate...and any time I feel like that..cutting is the first thing to save me from everything...I mean if any feeling is not worth feeling in any way shape of form it's inadequate...
I hate that feeling adn when I feel that way i never know how to drive it away from me. and so I cut...

however... I came home...tried so much to forget it..but all's I heard was the fighting..the fighting of my brothers adn sisters...the arguing..the yelling..screaming...I can't have one moment alone where I can just rest..I have to come home and work to even rest...so constantly working...
well we were invited to go to get some ice-cream..so we all went....

Of course the fighting, and arguing continued...and an incident happened...and my brother, my youngest sister an I were all crying for different reasons... accidents..or something like that.. but me...I was crying because I am growing tired of this family...I mean I can't come home and rest I can't comehome and just enjoy the company of my family.. Im forced to yell and scream... demand everything..and I can't just rest I have five people coming to me with complaints that Im expected to deal with... I felt like cutting off my own head..and the thoughts of cutting continued after that strongly more then anything...because more and more my youngest sister finds the words...

I really don't want to say this...but her father...one way he used to torment me, torture me and wound me...was when he'd play on my weaknesses...like my dad being dead..he'd really emphasize on the way my father died..as if to say my dad committed suicide or that my dad was an idiot or something..
well my youngest sister..has that same quality..when she gets upset with me...she plays on words I've said...about wanting to be a better sister, wanting to stop drinking...wanting to be a better person, make better choices...because for me..I find it important for them to know where I am at in my life..but my youngest sister brings up the pain of the past and throws it in my face as if to say that I'll never change and that Im stupid. Im inadequate.
so I cried....

I cried....

I cried...................

We got to the place..and I walked away... i could not believe how much a little child can make me feel so horrible...but it's not her..it's everything else...the emotions of my life..the turmoil of all this bull is piling up on me...as if to say Im the king. Im superman and Im expected to solve every problem in everyone else' life because it's me..Im the parent...apparently I gave birth to four children that I never knew about... apparently I am the father and mother to all these kids.. yet these kids are my brothers and sisters...being raised by me..and they well just my youngest sister is the only one disobeying me.... the rest have respect to understand I do these things for their own good...

YET IN THE END WHY AM I PLAYING THIS ROLE!!!!!!!!!

Why can't I stop being the father/mother.. why can't I just be the sister...why do I have to be the one that gets the chores done...the laundry done...the computer use...the sleep times.. the time at this and that...like seriously...Im losing my mind...

an for the first time in five weeks I wanted to cut....I mean I've thought about it often at times before but this time was worse..>I was planning it out..I wanted to do it...and I was going to but I dont want to you know>?>>>> I dont want to but I want too..I crave it I desire it I need it.. but I dont and so I contimplate all these thoughts..of could' haves the should haves...the yes', the no's.. everything..and Im still in this boat..

more like an edge of a cliff trying to hold onto any hope that I have...any humilty I have..and yet calling out for help seems so immovable..so prideful...my pride my stubborness.. i can't tell people how I feel...what would they say? they'd tell me I was crazy or something...

I dont cut because it's just something to do..believe me I wish I hadn't..and all these scars have become vicious villians in mylife...vicious villian that torments me in times of everything..it's always there and I hate it..and Im struggling so much more then I've struggled before and Im so scared...and I know that the only way...,is to write it out...

I wish that I could stop...because Im doing things I dont want too..I dont want to do it.. I want to live..I want to make it longer without cutting..I wanted to keep my body beautiful..I dont want it anymore...but it's......................

it's killing me with this dark side of me calling to it..yearning for it... a drug addict with the needle in hand just getting the string around their arm...just on the verge of doing it...just cooking it up and just about to do it...

Im losing my mind with these thoughts..if I dont find a place for them soon I know what will happen and yet....I dont know how or who..or what...or why..I just know it's there.. sitting lingering in my head...ready to torture me..in my sleep...in my walks..in my attitude..in my life until the relief...until it's done...

what the heck.!