missing him

Im told that it's a good thing that I've not allowed myself to get rattled up in my emotions about my father's death anniversary coming up. I was just thinking about this justnow and maybe Im crazy but Im going to say this either way...maybe I put myself in that place because I'll miss him and remember him more. and then if Im not thinking about him then Im feeling like Im not missing him. so when I get all upset about october its because im scared I won't miss him, or maybe even one day forget him. so once a year I put myself in this mode of remembering him more and more..

I dont know. I just listenning to some oldies... more like "the rolling stones" one of my dad's favorite bands...and yet I don't remember them you know? I mean I never heard this type of music often. it's hard to remember those sorts of details.

I can still remember though.. I remember.. the way his hand felt in mine. I remember riding on his shoulders. I remember laughing with him. I remember how much I cherished him. I remember how much I loved him...and when he was away from me I always felt like there was a part of me that was not all there... then when I say that then I remember thenights that we sat there in our living room just looking at him..crying..screaming...crying... asking me or my mom to let him in the house...my mom would cry too adn tell me this was tough love and we had to make him learn...but I remember my heart breaking every moment that I seen him. every moment I forced to leave that door locked. I can still picture those terrible nights that he spent outside our house..like a dog sitting in our back yard crying...wanting to come inside.
I remember the nights that we watched the hockey games...or startrek or whatever that was. I remember his orange couch and how much he loved it..an how much I loved sitting with him in that chair..
remembering the nights I was sick and he would tap on the window after my mom went to bed and how I let him in...and how he would care for me while I was sick.

Then people are asking me to remember the good times of my father... those are more difficult.. I remember when Jeffrey was born. my dad and I were at the house...and all's I thought about was my dad and how much I needed to be wtih my mom. I slept with her jacket over me becaues I was that sad that she was gone..I was worried about her. so the next morning my dad woke me up and then he took me on our long walk to the hospital..
now this is where I get mixed up because I don't remember Randy being there...I dont get why that is...my only guess is maybe I got Randy'sbirth and Jeffrey's birth mixed up... but either way it was one of them..and on our walk from Renfrew and Grandview hwy we walked to BC women's hospital...we made it just a little way...and I sat at a bus stop and I wanted to say my feet are tired...to my dad...and instead I said "Daddy foot tired" how long was I bothered with that after that? years and years..and even then I could say it tomy older sister and she'd still laugh at me for that...

another happy moment. when my dad used to take me to lost logoon...Im notsure why he took me there...that's what Im trying to figure out...but we used to go to Stanley park and although I hardly remember those times...I remember that I was glad tobe with him at those times..so maybe it was happy times...
I dont get this thingabout not remembering anything..I hate the my mind has surpressed those thoughts and feelings...

it's annoying because I wonder if I'd ever get those back...but maybe because of all thebad times I blocked out everything...sometimes I wish I could just block out everything in my life..

Just stop feeling. stop caring...stop giving. stop everything because it hurts too much...

I dont know what's going on. I dont know where to begin to even start...

I got into an arugment which turned into a near fight with someone.... this someone is someone I cherished for a lot of my years. someone that tried to die with me one day. someone I had taken care of for the longest time. to have this situation break down the way it has..it hurts. it hurts.
all because of love...
I admitted that I love someone...someone more then life itself. someone I cherish and admire with every part of me. adn then tohave this situation just crush everything. I mean this person this friend...crushed me with this argument. this situation because Im not even sure where to begin..I just feel like im losing my mind.

I dont know...

I dont know what to do because...it feels like Im losing everything right now...yet I've gained the best people in my life and that's Trevor and Krissy. these people are there for me in the worst moments..and they are always a phone call away. they have helped me through so much.. and given me right advice and loved me. let me be vulnerable or angry or anything.

Im so not sure of anything.