Thursday, October 30, 2008

mixed feelings

It's supposed to be a new day. iit's so supposed to be almost Friday! a happy day!

Why don't I feel that way today?
I feel like there's this itch in me that just wants to sit and sob for hours. a great sorrow in my heart and it's rising up each second of my life. Im scared of what I will do with this kind of pain.

Do I tell why these feelings are there? do I even know?

Yesterday is a historical day in my life...because yesterday I broke up with someone. someone I loved and cared for... ask why would I do something like that? i didn't feel i was being true to my heart. Even though I love this person a lot. it's not as much as I love someone else. yet this other person is thousands of miles away and I've not spoken to him in a long time. I went through a week of thinking about him, considering leaving Vancouver again... and yet in all that time I did not think of my love here... I broke up with my love here because I realize as much as I want to be all in with my love here...Im not... sadly a piece of me still hopes and dreams of one day seeing the love in Ontario. That's so terrible though. but I was so lost in that you know? I don't even know why I won't let that go...maybe I just am the worst person to let things go..but I knew I had to be true to myself and my love here..I couldn't continue tagging along in a relationship I was no longer fully committed made me sad but I felt that it was a betrayl to them..and I couldn't stand hurting them that way any longer.

Now is that why I am emotional?

Or is it because...Last night I came home and for the first time in auntie Vivian came to visit...but under the circumstances it seems to crush my spirit more then make me happy. My auntie Vivian is a drug user and Im not sure what else...I've been home since about 11pm yesterday and all's she has done is sleep. and yet the only thing that comes to my mind is what is she going to do.
If not that then Im thinking about the memories the things I NEVER wanted to think about.. the facts....My dad died of a drug overdose. he died..he's dead. gone forever.dead...DEAD... from his addictions....My auntie Jackie...DIED two years after my dad... she was murdered but yet guess why? she chose to get into a car with someone who she was going to do prostitution with and he promised drugs, alchol and parties..and guess what SHE DIED! she was murdered.
If not that two years ago maybe longer my grandfather died he died of a heartache. or illness.. not sure.
YET this tops it all off... my uncle favorite uncle in the entire world or at least on my dad's side of the family...this know how great he was? A couple years after my dad died guess who came to visit us? the only person that came was my uncle Anthony! He looked so much like my dad. he was an amazing man... but guess what! His depression.. his drugs and alcohol got to him too...he hung himself..HE DIED! he's gone! forever!

All these people....all these people ALL these people are on my dad's side of the family. all these people are the people my dad was close too! THe only way I could have ever known more about my dad they are all gone!
Now we have an aunt that I never heard about....Okay I have I probably seen her at the funeral but I wasn't really paying attention to relatives as I watched my dad be dead in a coffin..

can I say this?
Just this once...

I hate those who are addicted! I hate them...

Why you say? why do I hate them?

I know they didn't choose that life..believe me I know that with every piece of my fucking heart.
however.. watching someone go into an addiciton like that.... fade away.. become numb to the world. to those they once loved... becoming zombies in the world...yearning desiring drugs and only drugs.
To once have faith in these love them cherish them. to look up to them and have them screw up their damn life!
It makes every part of me really fucking angry..
you know why?

I have no sympathy for them anymore! When I was a teenager I used to help them. I used to bring them clothes. I used to be home all day making my sooup and bannock and praying for them and all that... I used to be a look out for my sister. I used to see my dad down there.. and you wonder!
I have watched these vicious poision enevelope all those people that I love and care for. and it tears me to bones. it makes me wanna scream from every damn place and hurt all those who do that shit, all those who sell that stuff...
I hate that in this one area this one place. I feel like people that I love and care for with those addictions. they are my kryptonite. they are my weakness.. they are the ones that can truly kill me and it tears me to pieces...

Its so hard for me to watch all those I loved and cared for go down this death road...not being able to save them. not able to bring them back to life. not being able to cure them.. they bring out the worst in me...ESPECIALLY if one of them is here in my house under my roof.... why for? because my afraid of tough love. she doesn't want to turn them away... she's scared that a repeat would happen with what happened to my father.

It does indeed bring out the worst in me..

I wish that I could be somewhere other then here tonight....

It hurts me too much to see all this...and

even though
even though

I want to put on this "I don't care" atitude... deep down it feels like it's eating me away. I feel emotional.....

so now in the end...what is it? why am I emotional...............................................

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