low point

I lie awake at night crying my heart out. their words are like words aiming and striking my heart..telling me that I said I would be better, telling me I said I'd be the best sister. Each day Im reminded of how much I've failed how much I've hurt them...
Each day I try my best to grasp onto some kind of glimor of hope, a hope that might just give me a strength, a hope that will allow me to smile again. a hope I wait for to tell me that I will get through this. I search each day looking for a sign, looking for something that says I have been good, that I have been better.
My weak feeble heart has been tarnished, my wounds from their words heal in time until the next time they tell me how horrible I am. I remind myself that if it wasn't this I would be wores... I would be a drug addict I would lose my life to an unfullfilling yearning... I remind myself that these are just children, these are children that torment me. these are children that tell me Im not good enough.
I lie awake with the torment and knowledge that I am in fact a failure. I did not do drugs and I did not die... but I failed because I left!....I Left! to find my destiny and my hope and therefore Im everything I don't want to be and Im everything I cannot change.
No matter how good I get...No matter what I do! The words of him live on, the words of him live on, the wounds she has suffered have become the fierce sword that guts me. makes me unable to stand. unable to fight for myself..unable to live pas all the wounds they make me suffer..
the heartache has beome too great, the pain has pierced me in my inmost being...my hope is non existant I can't shake the thoughts out of my me, I cannot recover from the mass arrows they continue to strike me. my hope..the hope I had is that one day I will be a great leader, one day I'll get through this. as the wounds from these people continue to become infected the idea of a hope in the future continues to dim.... How will I withstand this..how will I make it through...Hope is no longer a word that I know, hope is no longer what I can see....If I see it, it is only in my dreams.. I have failed and am failing...
I am wounded and lost all reason to be here...because the words spoken by these children...these children I came to protect, these are the children I came to care for... these the children that are in fact my brothers and sisters.....

Telling me that I have failed and I have hurt them and I left them years ago even though Im here now to them....................


I am a Ghost!