Sunday, December 7, 2008

day off

I was just thinking about some things... Do you know how easy it is for someone to fall apart? I mean that like say like myself I haven't drank in five you know how easy it is for me to go out to a party or bar and just start drinking? Yet to go to those things and not drink is so much more courageous..but it's one of those things if you play with fire too much then you'll get burned you know what Im saying?

I went to my cousins because it was his birthday and Im not close to him but my other cousin wanted me to go with him for a bit. I had one sip of their drink and one sip of another drink but then I was like nope Im not drinking..those two sips were like 'oh if jess isn't drinking dadada' like it was a pressure thing and then it was 'well it's your cousins birthday you have to have a drink for him' thankfully they forgot about that after I had taken the drink. It was really hard though you know? I mean i could've easily drank everything just threw it all down and gotten wasted...but I didn't want too you know? it was my intention to be there and chill with everyone..but my desire was not for drinking.all's I thought about was my family and how much I wanted to be home...

I dont know...I mean I had one drink or five I feel like I've accomplished something in someway.
However in the midst of that.. I did what I did not want to do.

How do I explain this? I can't explain it in a way that anyone will understand. I decided that since I was being haunted by the thoughts of cutting, and it continued to come up I decided to do it...because the ache for it became unbearable..and it seemed like in my head everyone was constantly getting mad at me when it wasn't that way at all, it just felt that i needed a reason to cut you know? so either way I fell from that...not harshly thankfully. I tried my best. i made it five weeks with that too.
Im more thinking of it as I just need to figure out the things that happened from that that caused me to feel that strong desire...and try find some new ways of avoiding that happening again.

other then all this stuff...this workshop seems to be going pretty good. I mean I feel so much more comfortable with everyone and more opportunity to just laugh...something Im definetly not used too..I mean there is something about this group that just brings a smile outta me. it's been really awesome becaues it's healing you know? yet at the same time Im not talking about the important things in life, Im hiding the things that are bothering me, hiding the destructiveness of my life. Im afraid what might happen to me if I decided to say anything...I mean it's not important to these people you know? these people are like co-workers it's not like we all stay and chat and catch up...its not like any of them know can you truly know someone from working with them in 6 days? I dont know..
either way the workshop is going better. I feel more confident and less afraid. I am trying to bring out more of myself into this thing, trying to keep myself open for opportunity. trying to move with beter rhythm and all that stuff...

I just hope it's going to be great..and that we find a great place to be because Im really excited for it..

well that's pretty much it..and Im really just hoping to figure my life out after this is done you know? I mean I have so much to figure and all that..this was just a opportunity for growth in my well as some extra cash to be able to pay for everything...'s morning an I just wanted to share...


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