Where do I even begin?
I have applications to a program that I would love to take in January but time wise I have no time..and now I am helping a friend out with an idea for the next ten days.
I mean for me this experience in itself will be interesting. Im in a workshop with some other people more creative people and yet Im in it...Not too sure why but it'll be an interesting experience... Im excited to see what happens to it and if anything will happen to it.
I met with margo kane..she's the friend that gave me the job, or the one that needed some help with this workshop... I must say how amazing it was to be able to meet her and through her meeting many other wonderful people...the only thing is the experiences, or even not the experiences but the difference between myself and all of them... it's like Im in a place that I don't belong...but it's only because I've never done something like this before so maybe it'll be a good thing...
I have to talk about this one thing.....and I dont want too...
the relationship that ended so viciouslly...well it's not reconciled however there are so many explanations and reasons and everything....it's honestly got me thinking but yet then I hear what my counselor said about the whole thing and I realize I can't do this... I mean.. I just can't.. but it's so tempting..the familiarility..and the confidence..the love all of that is there.. but at the same time there's only downsides to this and there's only pain that will rip me to pieces.
Its too difficult to be on the phone with them..and try not be the person that I was when I was in the relationship...to say nothing...or act in no way that is turning point of me feeling anything.. but yet how can I deny those feelings? I deny them by remembering the decisions my love made a month ago....the decisions and choices that destroyed my world, helped that relationship grow apart...
Its hard though...if I can just say that... I mean when the phone rings..the voice..the laugh.. the love its all there and yet...the pain lingers...the pain reminds me of the pain I never want to feel again...
however... theres just I mean..I just need to focus on my life..and not on the lives of those I want to love..because I honestly have so much on my plate..and now that I have no real job and all this opportunity it's time for me to focus on that...even if there's still the love there and everything...I just have to let it go...my worst thing...my worst quality is letting things go. I fail at it becaues I can't help but love..and hold on...
well I dont know what else I can say...
this project for the next ten days will be a new experience a fun experience I hope. the only thing I really want is to speak up..find some creativity to just be able to voice whatever I can. and particpate well in this thing... and just do my best...and be the best... and make new amazing friends because that'll really be awesome...
that's pretty much it for now....
maybe later...i'll have something to talk about
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