wounded heart

Its hard to figure out where to begin...

I can't even begin to describe these past few days or even this past two weeks. an agonizing emotional pain in my life that does not seem to disappear. all this time and effort and love never showed to be good enough....

you know what's sad is I even wrote about it..Im going to write what I wrote because i want too..

i wrote it on November 13,2008

So much love that when the sun was shinning I could feel the warmth of my loves arms. So much love that when I could see the moon, I became unafraid, courageous even. So much love that when I looked up at the stars I knew every dream comes true.
I could remember the long pause when in the arms of my love...A pause a moment of great satisfaction, great accomplishment..A smile comes on my face how could there be a love like this.
All the Love that anyone could've eve asked for all wrapped up in one amazing person. Everything that led up to the evening we met so much adrenaline, so much excitement. I never thought how far we would've come.
As the hours turned into days then into months, the Love grew, my life grew..I felt all I had ever wanted right before me and nothing could compare.
My heart would long for my love...Each day I stepped outside I would daydream my love coming up the driveway, I would run and embrace my love. at night I would lie in bed thinking 'oh how I wish my love would call' My heart skipped a beat when all I could do is think of my love...

As darkness starts to set in..The arugments continued...the months would turn into minutes of agony. We stopped talking, stopped seeing eachother...It all changed..and the amazing feeligns began to disappear.. The sun was no longer warmth...Only agonizing memory of the past that would not come again.

I feel like running away because I felt I could not deal with this kind of pain in this kind of place. I bottled all emotion in attempt that maybe this was not true...Maybe this could be fixed.. Then it happened.............

My heart shattered..my previous wounds from the harsh words and break-ups it ripped a hole in my heart. No one dared to say "I told you so" Everyone warned me about this person..that my love was, but I could not help but leap into my love's arms....

The end...the end...it ended...It became undone... All the love...all the work, all the love was not good enough...

Seperated from the one that loves me.
Never felt so blue

Never let go.
(END)


As it's become clear in my life how much of an impact this ex had in my life.. I didn't realize it as much as I realized it now...This ex...this was a love that I had never been...a feeling I never felt, a place...I had never been...
I told my cousin trev that my love...had the ability to hurt me far greater then anyone has ever been able to in my life...I loved my ex that much..I let my ex into my life, into my heart .... places no one was able to go too...
Instead of anything I was ripped to shreds...

i was told so many times...my love was out to hurt me...


Well i was hurt..am hurt...still hurting...

There isn't a day that goes by that I might drive by a place we went, or walk down a street we walked down, or be on a train..or anything...
the memory of my ex haunts me...wounds me more and more that I think of it...

I can't believe how much this has effected me... how much this has hurt me...I avoid telling anyone, or showing anyone bu my heart feels like it's bleeding..I feel like I literally cut out my heart and gave it to my ex...to have my ex torture me with this kind of pain....it hurts alot
I've talked to many of my close friends...telling me that there will always be a scar from this relationship because of the kind of devotion and dedication I committed to my ex.... there will be a painful memory of that forever...I can't believe it and I wish that it wouldn't be this way because i hurts too much.

there's great news in my life...but this is a time in my life that im learning to deal with a great loss in my life....a great love that has now left me... the memories..the everything won't leave me.. no matter what I do...this pain will not go away....the memories..the love..the hugs..the kisses...the everything...every great thing...it lingers in my mind...lingers in my heart... torturing me more and more and sometimes...I just ....

I just want to be ok...I just want this to go away....I just want to be ok... because its just too painful....

I can't sleep. i can't eat..i can't be happy for real like I was before...

I keep telling myself this is for the better...but my heart still longs...still yearns...

Like Sinatra said "She's all I long for, All I worship and adore"....

a love like that.....amazing!

Good Night...

2124