attitude and life

I started off the day with fighting/ screaming arguing and frustrated as hell..I mean its the beginning of the week yeah I dont know where my life is going. and I dont know what Im going to be doing. and then having my family issues come into my life and really just destroy me.

I went to the workshop with the pooriest attitude ever. I was frustrated and I felt like I had been carrying the whole world on my shoulders and that I was just going to be destroyed if anything else would just push me over the edge. of course that piece did come because I always end up being destroyed in the end... it was frustrating I wanted to walk out of the workshop because I knew that my attitude and mind were completely in different places.

After the workshop I literally was leaving and just thinking of my life and how messed up things are for me you know? So I decided the only way to deal with that was to go where I often go in times like this.
I went to Main and Hastings "Skidrow" this place reminds me of why Im living. why Im breathing....

YOu know...like the place the reminds me of why Im alive. why I decided to stay alive, why I decided to fight..why I decided that death is not the place for me. why I decided that I could not handle anything doesn't mean I have to give up.
I was thrown in a place like this...and then in those moments...

those moments when my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking and its a fear but not an actual fear it's more of a remorse...or something...when I realize where I am at and where everyone else's at...
you know you could go to Waterfront station and see a life of amount of people just walking, and sitting, and then you can go to Main and Hastings and same thing...however these are not people..these are the walking dead...these are the reason that we should be thankful for our lives.. I mean seriously....

Do you know that I could've been one of those people? I could've been a drug addict. I could've been a prostitute..most of my friends back then became that and if not then most of my friends thought I'd become like that..so it's like it was put in the stars for me to fail in my life..but I didn.t I survived...
So you wonder...you know?

When I get that close to death..that close to everything that could destroy me...what goes through my mind?

I realize that my life's problem things that are trying to destroy me...are things that don't even compare to those who are dying down there...those that are suffering so much pain.. those that are craving..desiring..yearning and dying from the very thing they believe they should be living for.

so in comparision my life's problems these issues are nothing and Im making too big a deal about this....I can't believe it...and Im so glad that I can go there...and that I can be there... and see that even though it brings tears to my eyes..it hurts me..it makes me cry but I still like it because it reminds me that I AM NOT DEAD YET!

so I hope with my experience I'll be able to find myself and find things going more smoothly in the near future....

thanks