Monday, October 20, 2008

worth it

I spent the day resting and thinking a lot of thinking.
Is it ok if Im completely lost in these thoughts of these current situations?

I mean to have someone care about me..someone I consider to be my sister to end up like that is really scary. what I mean by that is to have her really want to hurt me what was it? what was it really? is there something that Im not seeing or is this just the end of things?
I dont even know where to begin or what to say or how to say it or what to do.
I mean really really I feel really sad that I've lost my one friend. someone that I have looked out for and really been there for. to have her want to hurt me that way for what reason? nothing more then love? I want to call her I want to talk to her but Im not going to. what's the point. the point is that I want to know what's going on.

my heart aches for the decisions that have been made...for the things that have been said. and yet all under the influence of alcohol..

If not that...I am waking up early tomorrow to deal wtih a couple things I really need to start doing the things that I am responsibile of those things is my bank. I have to talk to them before Friday or they are going to garnish my wages and that's the last thing I need right now because winter is coming and I have one pair of shoes that are starting to rip apart. if not that then I also have a cell phone that's just sitting on no access. I mean I can't use it anymore. it's useless to me.
I have to figure out what the bank wants becaues if they want their $93 dollars on Friday no problem. I've worked for the last three weeks straight some overtime so I should get a good cheque and the last thing I need is to see it all go away.because of this bank. Im told i've got some options with that. and I dont want to look at those things. I just need to find the time to make a chart of important things Ineed to pay.

If not that I have counselling coming up and Im not looking forward to it.. thankfully we will be able to stay away from topics I don't want to talk about...I mean I've been doing pretty good for it being October and all.
My main support system is my cousin and his girlfriend and my counselor. that's it. there was someone else but I guess they are being caged up or something. it's ok because I wouldn't be able to say the things I say to my cousin and his girlfriend...I mean it's easier with them becaues Im more vulnerable with them and Im able to fall to talk with them. have them come to me if I needed it or something. I mean it's a good thing for me.

Do I have every right to be sad?

I mean really....when we think about it... my old best friend, my sister... someone I really cared for has turned on me... for what reason? becaues I love someone...cherish someone.. and everything... I dont know what to do with that. because I dont get this situation at all.. but even then I still care.

well I finally decided what I should do and I made the right decision. i called my sister to talk to her about the whole thing regardless.
She doesn't remember anything. so we are working things out to the best our ability.
I mean I can't let this go and stuff..

well I have to go because Im still on the phone...
probably write again later or tomorrow.

good night

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