Friday, December 12, 2008

feelings in the future

My performance with my Full Circle friends went really well I was really happy to have been part of something great. I met so many amazing people that really were inspiring and encouraging. I loved it more then anything else. I mean it just was like six people getting together to create something great...that's what we did.
I could not have been more happy about that project and hope that more opportunities would come in the future for a play like that. I was inspired and uplifted in my life.

However as it ended...I started to realize the things that I put on hold...I mean I put my life on hold..all my desires of goals and everything were all gone, and my main focus was this workshop I mean it was great..I needed a distraction like although now...I don't know..

There's this movie I had seen... and one thing pops out at me very often at times. i mean I've shared the snake story so many times..that I felt it would be different to say something else..
well this other thing is a piece from the movie I had seen...
A man grabs his brother in frustration, anger, or just every feeling and he said to him "Hit me, Hit me Im suffocating here." and of course the brother hits him...

the major thing that stuck out was his phrase and actions... he grabbed his brother and just screamed hit me hit me...Im suffocating. and it often makes me think of my life..

everything Im doing in my life is good..I mean I have been doing well...but a part of me.. the inner part of me is suffocatting from the pain and counselor had said I am my own worst enemy...all in my mind Im struggling with everything you know? the decisions in my life.. the things in the future..the memories from the past..choices..decisions..mistakes... and all that stuff..
and when I did cut myself...that's how I felt..I was suffocating...I was lost in a place I could not find my way back..and I screamed out in a way that I've always known how... no knew about that situation actually I dont think I even told anyone.

As for the performace... when it ended and I came home...I was laying on my coach and realized.. what am I going to do? what do I want to do? I mean I want to go to school and everything, I want to get a job...and I just want all these things.. but for right now the main thing is school, but because I missed my appointments with the school I will have to find another program or wait for this program I wish to take... until then I need to find a job that I can be satisfied with..and have the time i need...I mean working with this group just brought something out in me....
its so hard to explain... I felt that I had never laughed so much, or enjoyed people so much. I mean they were inspiring, encouraging, really funny and just uplifting..which is a change in my life you know? I mean right now I struggle with many difficult times in my life and never really have that kind of stuff of goodness, happines.. and that's what I want you know? I mean who wouldn't want to laugh? I mean it was amazing....
When I left...I felt like that part of me that was a part of that died..when it ended... I mean I got off the bus near our house and just started dancing and smiling...Im not really sure why. I figure I was overtired or else I just knew that my life would not be like that ever that kind of comfort, that kind of fun...
It's hard to let go of that.

I had a counselling appointment...and I went but I couldn't smile, I couldn't open myself up there. because there's something..something Im afraid to talk to anyone about.. or even there's also this part of me that's just lost you know? I dont know what to feel right to feel. what to do and how to do it...its hard.

So I figure when I have some things going..I'd like to go visit my uncle for a bit because I've been talking about it for a while..and now I have my last bit of money to get outta town for a bit and just maybe think you know? find some short term goals, find something that makes me happy and just enjoy my life....

well Im off to bed..

good night

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