recent situations

You Must be the change you want to see in the world (Mohatma Gandhi)

I read this quote at a meeting that I attended and thought wow. you know that's pretty amazing. to have these kinds of quotes floating around.. lol..

It's up to us.. it's like my other favorite quote

"My will shall shape the future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force I can clear any obstacle before me; or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility, win or lose only I hold the key to my destiny."

These sorts of quotes are awesome for someone like me.

The constant need and yearning I have to be positive..think positive.. to really realize Im not as worthless as all these bullshit people say I am.

I've been living my life..in this place...this hole really.. dark..horrible stuff...constantly having people telling me that I can't do anything, I can't succeed and that I am a failure. I do all this stuff to try do well..but I fail.. so now Im just like screw all of everyone Im going to do what I want to do..
So I decided to focus on school and my life that will come with that....I mean really that's all I moved back here for besides my family...but they just torment me..and freakin treat me like a piece of crap..

the only greatest times in my life were when I was working with those people..and although I had my down days...I freakin could not be any happier then being as happy as I was with them. I mean I smiled like I had never smiled before, I met people that I could look up too, and I connected with people who been through terrible shit and still managed to reach their goals and potential.

My counselor said to connect with people that are inspiring, that are positive.. so this past weekend I connected with those people and although at times it was difficult for me...I worked past it..and had fun. laughed..and had fun.

There was one situation I needed help dealing with and tried to find someone that would stand on my side and tell me that even though it was crap to do that it was what I needed to do. and thankfully I never found anyone who could help me with that...and I am glad because... one thing my friend said was that I have been making steps to get better in my life, and if I had made the decision I thought about then I'd be stepping backwards and away from the goals I am trying to reach.

So apart from moments of horror and pain...I have the moments that stay with me...the moments that make me smile..the memories of amazing friends...the idea and hope that I wanted and needed to find...I met some amazing people and can't believe that of all things I have an opportunity to make it just as they did..

as for the upcoming weeks...well I've decided that Im going away and I'd like to go see my uncle.. as difficult as it will be to be there... I know that this is not the time to be picky and that I want to spend time with my uncle...this is the time and this is what I want to do...and I hope that I will find the peace that I need...to mend things with him and just show him an unconditional love...

I leave probably Friday Im not sure yet...but I know that this is what I want to do..and nothing can and will stand in my way. I miss my uncle and I love my uncle and I can't wait till Friday. I just hope that I get to go alone..not have anyone with me because it's harder for me to spend time with my uncle when Im around all these other people.


thats it for now..

later