Saturday, November 1, 2008

sorrow truth

Recently I wrote about letting go. the desire and need that I had to let go of my love. the desire and need I had to emphasize letting things go.
I never let my love go. I tried but a part of me was always holding onto that...and my love did not let go easily.

Now this is a different kind of letting go for me.

Yesterday I decided to go out with my two cousins. go have a couple drinks an relax. we went to two different bars and the second bar had someone in it that I wanted to scream at. it was the guy that molested my youngest sister. I cannot even describe to you the feelings i had sitting there knowing he was there. I got up and walked up to him and asked him a couple questions and told him some things. my legs were shaking and I felt weak. but yet with that bottle in hand I felt strong. nothing happened I just said some how my family has been having a hard time recovering from this pain.

either way...we decided to leave...
and my one cousin met up with a friend. and then it escalated from there. we went to this friends house...
I didn't want to go. but Trevor said we would go for one drink...and then catch a cab home. it ended up being here for about four hours. and I watched each person besides my cousin and I snort shit up their nose.
For a few moments in my life..ever...
I held this DVD cover with two lines on it...the opportunity had come. to freely do this on my own. I sat there with everything ready and realized i can't do it. I looked at the tattoo on my arm adn realized why would I do this..
trevor seen that and took it away.

a couple hours love came to me...we sat there...chilling. laughing, talking it was wonderful...and my cousin Trevor made a decision that changed my mood changed everything.
He snorted it right in front of me...that gave me some courage to do it myself.... but they wouldn't let me..and I came back and realized what the heck am I doing...and why would i choose to be around people who do this... so i got mad at Trevor took off the necklace he got me. and left. my love came. and we were off in a cab and got home at 6am.
I was crying and crying and crying....mainly because of how difficult it is for me to watch this one man...this man...seriously he has the biggest influence on my life. I love him alot. I've defended him, helped him. cared for him. and then to see him make a decisiion like that really hurt me and I decided that this would be the end of me talking to those kinds of people in my family.

I went to the arms of my greatest love. a part of me did not want to go to sleep because I didn't want to miss those moments...of being back where I had longed to be for so long. it was an amazing way to go to sleep.

however I woke up...and could not forget what had happened earlier this morning. and I've just sat aruond...being lazy. being emotional..
the funniest part of it is that IM not going to hear the end of this because I called my counselor and now I will know what's on the topic for this week...

emotional wise...

I can't describe how difficult it is for me to not have my necklace on. the first time I lost it I actually left it at home. and I decided from then on I would never take it off again. but then this happened...and Im not sure if he remembers what happened. or anything like that. if he knows how I feel about all this...but it doesn't matter anyhow.

hope that I figure this out soon...I bet I know waht someone's thinking. I should talk to him... I want to wait a bit...maybe till tomorrow because it'll make me feel better with some more thuoght to this...

good night

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