Monday, November 3, 2008

days gone by

Im not sure where to begin.
I just finished doing some dishes. the funny thing is it made me think of my dad. because that's something he often did when he was alive. he was always cleaning and always getting organized.

I recently posted in Facebook...about 120 pictures. all of my cousin and his girlfriend and our time out. we went out last Sunday to honour my father. It was a different experience from previous years, as I would have often shut down. or would've been drinking or something.this occassion we went to a place where my dad made me happy.
I bring this up because of my cousin.

I've never been so close to someone. so honest with someone...besides one man in Ontario. either way Trevor is my cousin. he's always been there for me as I have been there for him. he's helped me through alot. although I wrote some things of decisions he had made. the truth is he helped keep me out of some things on Friday. because on Friday...after seeing the child molester. I wanted to harm myself or something becaues I was so angry. however I stopped cutting, so I stopped carrying my blades. however there was something else. something I would've never considered doing.
That thing was drugs. I had considered taking some drugs that night. and I might of been drunk or buzzed either way. I held those drugs in hand. no one was looking and I could've taken it. even though I might have thought of my father and the promise I made to his grave.
seeing the child molester..really tore me up. and I held them in hand... I didn't take them I gave them to my other cousin. however all night it's what was on my mind. just one hit just one hit won't kill me...

It was very difficult for me to not do drugs. it was really hard for me to sit there adn not do it. I sat there as the drugs made there rounds and continued to come to me but I passed it off. then my cousin made a poor decision. and I told him i wouldn't ever speak to him if he had done them. and he made that decision. it cost me my cousin. he didn't die or anything but I lost respect for him. becaues Trevor is older then me and I often have looked up to him as a brother and cared for him more then anyone. Other's have failed him, and he had never felt like home unless he was with us. but making that decision just broke me in two. and I couldn't believe it. it was then that I said I wanted to do it. thankfully my cousin wouldn't let me but I got mad and left.

Im not sure what to do. but it's like Im thinking more now of the choices i've made in my life. and it's like what am I really doing? I mean this weekend I almost did cocaine. something i said I'd never do. I've always been the family member that has been against drugs. and yet I was that weak that i would've done it. it scares me and makes me think of that...I mean what's going on in my life that's got me that low in my life that I would think of such a thing.

Now Im thinking of making some drastic changes in my life. deciding that this is no longer the life I want to live. instead I'd like to try do a 180 and stop that kind of life. Im not sure if it's posisble. Im not even sure how I would go about doing this but I realize the point for me is that I dont want this kind of life. and I want to do whatever it takes to get out of this stage in my life that almost could've cost me all my morals and values. could've even cost me my life.

Will it work? who knows all's I know is that there's been this thought in my mind for a while and Im ready. Im ready to turn my life around and Im not sure if it'll work but Im willing to try becaues I dont' ever want to think of myself ever turning to a life of drugs.

I feel like a hypocrite. this one person! me...against drugs and I wanted to do them... and not just any it was this one...and I couldn't believe the person i was that night.

I hope to do things better...and hope to start saving up to move out and into my own place. live my own life. and start taking care of the important things in life.

good night

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