new chapter

A new chapter has opened in my life. although many close friends and family members were concerned of my financial situation..lets face it I was terrifed of the choice I had made in quitting my job.

However it's the first day that I've been checking out schools and Im applying for one on Thursday and hope to start if i get accepted in January. It's a long haul...or short turn.. I mean it's short notice but the long haul I hope will be quick...cause if I get accepted I'll be moving out of Vancouver.

It's scary to think that it's been a year since I've been home...

This past year I have been in a relationship twice.

I've watched many of my family and friends die, or have loved ones die...I've had those same poeple make poor living decisions...

I myself...have attempted to make a bad decision... I try to forget it but it comes up in my head so often.
I mean it's not everyday that someone like me can get into life so bad that I'd decide something like that. Im disappointed in myself. but my counselor said I should look at the fact I didn't do it..But peoples knowing me..know I'll be ten times harder on myself then I should be.

this relationship tore me to shreads...ripped every piece of my pride and love for life..all went away when they left...but something else seemed to have birthed from such tragedies in my life.
A zeal to survive... not for others...not for what others want for my life...but what I want for my life...
To do things in my own...to attend school...to do what I have to do so that I can survive....so that I can find the strength in my life to stay away from things...not have others carry that burden for me...

It gets me thinking alot though....

It's been three weeks now since all the life of my life went down the drain...I made a poor decision or attempted to make a poor decision and instead it gave me a different perspective. Im not sure what it was...but I figure it to be the rock bottom of my life... realizing that all my existance I said I'd never do drugs again and there I was fighting to do it...I didn't do it.. but after that night..it changed everything...
I stopped hanging and chatting with those who influence me to drink...and when I personally get that urge with no one to help I turn to my brothers and sisters...keep me on my toes.

As for College..Im terrifed of what it will look like you know? not a lot of people in my family have gone through that sort of thing..however to me it's like Im the generation thats leading others as often people have said...and I want to go to College and I pray that all my brothers and sisters and family members, friends I hope they all follow...because i am greater than this you know?

Im greater then going out on Friday and Saturday night to get wasted..punking my guts out and being hungover for days. Im greater then cutting..this passion I've had for it..this passion as a drug addict needs their next hit..is how I felt about cutting..i felt I could not live my life..I felt that I'd get angier or meaner, sadder when I did not cut... it was a drug to me...it was the reason I felt I had stayed sain.
I come to realize the vicious villian...

As I've talked about so many times...
the snake and it's prey...the snake wraps itself around its prey and squeezes the life out of it before eating it whole...

my life was consumed by drinking, cutting and other things... it got real bad at times. and to me it was like I was the prey...my life was being sucked out of me..my air..my breath.. my hope, my dreams..everything was just going away...
after that attempted bad decision..it's like the grip just loosened and I felt I realized what was important in my life...

I can't sleep though....nights continue on..and yet I can't sleep... I worry about the day to day of my life. I work at times but not as often.I get paid more money at this new job but I work when I can...and because of all the College help.like going to the College's to get help to fill out applications..talking to people..travelling and all that...it's every other day...which is fine because the most I guess I need to pay for are the College Application fees...although for one program I need a licence so Im going to be working towards that too.

Its strange....

the pain still lingers in my heart...but I've learned to live with it you know? A break up is painful and the memories are so hard to forget.the love is so hard to detouriate and everything.. but there's some way to live through it you know? there's some way to live with that pain and just not hide it or anything..but not allow it to ruin everything good about me...
I didn't think I'd really get through a break-up like that...something so much more then a relationship it's so hard to explain...but it was real..and it was really amazing... and then it ended and it could've destroyed me you know? it couldve let me crawl in a hole and die...
But me being me..I'd never let that happen...

it's all in time...


there's a new chapter of my life just beginning ;)