Friday, October 17, 2008

letting him go

I believe it was about a year ago maybe more Im not too sure. I met someone that I loved talking too, loved hanging out with. I am sure I spent one of my dad's anniversary's maybe last years anniversary with him. we would walk the streets, talking, chilling and enjoying life. enjoying our times together. I think it was when I found out he felt the same way about me that changed alot in me. I had never felt so comfortable with anyone, someone I cherished more then ever. We talked. hung out and everything. he respected me more then anyone ever has. and he was always just a great man.
I moved to Vancouver..
It was in November of last year....he said this to me.
he said as he saw me off at the bus station as I headed to Belleville to visit a friend. he said "I feel like Im never going to see you again"
my heart skipped a beat. and I didn't believe that. I mean I knew I'd see him it was only two weeks and I'd do everything I could to conact him when I returned.

however that two weeks I believe turned into three. and then two days after I returned I was in Vancouver for about a month or so. and then I went back to Ontario for all of three days. before permanitely moving back to Vancouver.
there was not a day that went by that I didn't call him and talk to him. write to him. wish for him. everything just because he was one of my favorite people. someone I pictured myself one day ending up with. someone I really loved. I remember the feelings I got when I seen him. I remember the feelings of me when he'd brush my hair from my face. or when he'd hold my hand. he was truly an amazing man someone that I loved adn still love very much.
I have forced myself to forget about him. because we are miles apart and he cant leave Ontario and so the only way this would all work out is if I moved back. and I feel obligated to be in vancouver.

It's so painful to think of him. however tonight as I played some cards. it brought him up. I thought about him as I have these past few days. because I truly care for him and miss him greatly. Just before I left to come back to vancouver. I bought him a Christmas present. it was a toque that I found at Old Navy....just before I left for the bus when he dropped me off.. he said that he should wear a touque because hats don't suite him..I agreed because we tried it out. and I knew that this touqe was perfect...I never got it to him. and I ended up wearing it while being here in vancouver. it took about a month or two before I let anyone else wear it. because I knew it belonged to him...and I had strongly hoped that one day I'd see him and give him his gift.

my heart aches...because I haven't allowed myself to think of him in so long..that now that I do. it makes me sad it makes me miss him so much. I mean my cousin Trevor even talked to him. told him to come to Vancouver..come and be with me because he made me so happy.

I think part of the reason things sorta changed between him adn I...was because of my drinking becaues I started going down that road. and did it really badly..I got the overdue visa payments and all that to prove it.

how can it be?

How can I love him this much....spend the last I think seven months or less making myself forget him... is it because there is someone else in my life? and even if there is it doesn't change the way I feel about him. I mean Ontario is far away and Im not going back to live there... but my heart a piece of me will always be there because of him... however I said I'd let that go. and I did. but lately it's all that has come to my's put my heart at rest because of the emotions that I've been thinking about.

I mean when I was with wasn't about the affection that he showed me. it wasn't about his hand in didn't matter where we went or what we did. he made me feel something more amazing then I had ever felt. we could sit on the edge of the curb for hours just admiring each other. enjoying the nights of the stars. we could find beauty in all kinds of weather. we had the same likes and dislikes. he showed me things that I'd not seen before...he made me feel's just so crazy...




Here I am. on a Friday early morning.... thinking about him..wishing that I could talk to him. hear his voice..see his face.. see him smile...I want him to come to vancouver. I want to show him the beauties of our citiy here...I mean it's more amazing then there..because we have so much more and I know it more...
why do I miss him so much right now? what is it that has brought this up?

I know that he was there the days that I needed him to be..that's in two weeks..he stayed with me. hung out with me..and helped me get through the moments..he let me cry on his shoulder he wiped the tears from my eyes. he made me smile when i was down in the blue.

how do you let someone like that go? I dont even know...

I just cant believe it came to my mind this way and brought up all these memories...

Im missing him today...

Good night

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