Im worried if I dont write about this shattered heart of mine I might make some poor decisions and that I do not want to do because I know that this is a streaking row for me to be quitting so many things for as litle time as it seems but how long it is for me.
nearly two weeks ago I went through a very difficult time in my life. I felt I had lost my best friend/ my cousin...less then a few days ago we started talking again an things are slowly looking up for the better of this...
however one problem...
As I have said in previous entries...I was in a relationship that I was sadly committed too. I didn't do anything to jeopordize the relationship. I was there when I was needed, and I was the one that made my love happy. I was always where I needed to be at the right time..
LOTS of people told me that I would be hurt. that my love was out to hurt me...I didn't believe them...
so right they were. I have been in love with my love for seven months. I have done so much and never expected or wanted anything in return for the choices I was making or things I had done. I realize now the choices in the past are the choices that have destroyed me now.
I wish I could explain the shattering of my heart...feeling like its in a thousand different pieces.
I loved my love more then anything. When I needed my love they were there..when I wanted to have fun my love was there... In the darkest hours of my life my love was there. In the happiest moments my love was there...
It all began to slip away..and I started to notice it before it even began but my love denied my words..my accusations...and thoughts... I felt it in my heart...I felt it in my heart.
That glistenning in my loves eyes were gone...that amazing kiss was gone... that soft gentle hand in mine seemed gone....it's unfair to know that this has ended.
I knew it was bound to come though. I mean even though I was in this relationship i also was not in this relationship because I've always been seeking for someone else... longing and yearning for someone else...and that's why my previous relationship before this one had failed.
Life goes on right?
I dont know what I was thinking in getting into this kind of relationship knowing I'd lose it this way and be hurt this way. I mean...really...
I never let myself be in love like this. I never knew this kind of love ever before...and now I have never felt more shattered....
I just wish that I didn't find out the way that I have found out and now Im just like how could I do this? how could I make it through this?
It doesn't matter because no matter what Im going to make it through this...no matter what happens I have to survive this..even though my heart refuses to speak...Im going to get through this...
relationship is gone....and yet there's a numb feeling in me you know? I mean I can feel it in me my heart being broken but it's like Im hiding it..or have become to the pain...Im not sure that's a good thing...I think it'll destroy me if I dont deal with it soon....
maybe it's a disbelief but who knows...we will see how it goes...
I just can't believe the decisions I've made..the choices that have been made..an my heart has never felt this kind of pain..and it couldn't come at a worse time...this is not the time for me.. but I guess having my heart shattered there's never really a set time for something like this...
good night
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