Tuesday, November 4, 2008

not feeling at home

This will probably be the last day I will write until my computer is fixed. even then...what will I write about then?
Do you know that Trevor is my best friend? my favorite family member? he's only ever yelled at me once. but it was all under influence. other then that him and I have always been really close. it makes me wonder why? I mean he has two sisters and everything. but yet he feels at home here with us.
I've never missed anyone more then I miss my cousin. I regret leaving. I mean Im glad that I did because I was going to do drugs. but I wish that I didn't because maybe none of this would've happened.

However Im just not sure.

Im scared of what will happen in the future. Im really sad that I let go of the necklace that he gave me. It makes me want to buy the one at People's and replace it immeditatly and although it won't have as much sentimental value as my old one..it'll still give me my necklace.
I also let go of something else...a ring to be real..
A ring that was engraved and was a gift from my love. I took it off because this entire situation just has me off balance.

Im glad that Im working because it keeps my mind busy. however at the end I am heading home back to this home..this place that I no longer want to be. I want to move away. I want to get my own place somewhere anywhere. I dont even know what I would do. or how I can even do that. But I realize that I dont make enough money at the moment and Im not sure if that'll ever change.

I dont know what to write about.

Im emotional because I miss the people in my life. people like maria, trevor, krissy..everyone that brought me up in life. helped me laugh when I felt like crying. helped me through some difficult times. and now it's all different and they are all gone.

I have to stand on my own two feet. away from all these people and....yet I feel so alone. I have no one around. I can't tell my family that Im feeling this way.
most of the time I just wish I could lie in bed sleeping. crying...something

yet today...

I went out to head to work...the most amazing views. our moutains have snow on them... and I smiled becaues it's amazingly beautiful

I miss my cousin.

Im not sure how long I can last with this whole thing.
im not even sure how long I'll last without a computer. no communication to anyone or anything.

I mean I write everything through my computer, talk to everyone through my computer. so it's like now that its taken away im not sure if I can make it..


I'll be missing my cousin Trevor that's all I know...

Good night

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