getting back

It was nearly a week ago that I had written.
I went through a tough week. Missing my family..my love. missing everything in my life. I mean without these key people in my life it seemed I didn't exsist. I was really sad about that and really broken that my life would fall apart this way.

I finally got to talk to my cousin two days ago. I helped him through a time with his girlfriend and we didn't chat about anything because it was not the time and I was just too scared.
You have no idea...I mean I know that I said I'd never talk to him again. but I feel like if I did that then I wouldn't find my way through all of this. I mean with him around I feel like I can talk when I need too, chat and chill and everything...when we are not around or talking..I feel like Im dead to the world...

I've been staying with him and his girlfriend throughout this weekend...chatting little byt little here and there...it's been alright...we've had our moments of chatting...but I know without a doubt that I have missed going to sleep feeling safe. I've missed being able to sleep and enjoy sleeping....

anyhow apart from this situation..

I've been trying to figure out how to tell my love that.....something is different in my life. I dont my love to know through anyone other then me but that's becoming a huge obstacle and Im not sure I'll be doing what I want to do....not sure if I'll be able to do this..I hope I can but I dont know.

Its awesome though. I mean I feel better about living I feell better about being alive....I feel more free...more alive.. I mean Im not weighed down with thoughts of people...Im not weighed down with pressures that I feel were in the past....I mean I wanted to straighten things out sooner..
Im glad to have family and friends that share the same morals as I do....and I dont have to worry about them... I mean I realize how difficult it is for me to stand the way I do..it's hard to decide the decisions I've decided but I know that i can't stop...Im on a role for making it really well in this world...and Im not about to mess that up...

Im sorry Im probably not making any sense. I quit doing things in my life that destroy me. it's not on anyone but me. I didn't let people tell me what I should do...I decided for myself to do this... I decided that this is my time..I dont want other people in my life that make bad choices.. Im making better choices...an I dont want anyone in my life that is a bad influence because Im trying to be a good influence...
so yeah that's the changes that Im standing by now...

anyhow...

things are going better...Im glad for that...and I hope that things only get better from here..

ttyl