endings

the year is coming to an end.

I must say how excited I am about that because there's been so much stuff going on this year that's just become overwhelming.

I didn't have a very good christmas. too much family issues...fighting and what not.. I felt bad for many of the family members that did not attend..it was really difficult christmas this year.

I've been emotional for specific reasons that I wish I could write about but Im afraid the words for those things are just not existing

family wise...well the family is alright but they could be better.

Im realizing more andmore. that no matter what I do nothing has changed.

I wrote something a while back and posted it here..about how my family treats me...and how they make me feel.. well those feelings have not gone away. I still feel terrible about leaving. I mean I thought I was going to go and make changes in my life that would benefitt my future, something to give me hope and future... then I come back and find out those ideas are long past dead because I feel like I shouldn't have come back.

I mean don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people, and working with Margo Kane was one of the best things ever.
but when it comes to having come back to be with my family it seems like I've made a mistake and even then...they make me realize that I made the mistake of going away...

I wanted to go and get help for issues in my life...that at times can still haunt me today. I wanted to follow God..believe in God..and have faith in God..

I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to do something that changed myself and the world.

Instead...it seems like i've ruined my family...destroyed them. I mean one thing that was said in Ontario was the coodependency and that still sticks today and is painful to see...
Im frustrated with this time at home..and I really hope that I'll find a way outta this soon because Im starting to lose all that I learned.

Im losing the confidence in myself...my self worth..and Im losing more and more patience.... what I mean is that I started acting out in the way that I act out.

either way not the best time to talk. I'm distracted and bothered by todays events..

Im trying to find a job and everything

ttyl