choked up now

Its been the weirdest three months of my life.. I've never felt so broken or cold.. I'm not sure whats going on with me.. or how it's all come to this.. there was a woman in my life that at first meant a lot to me, but as time went on, she started displaying some annoying qualities that I tried to work with and before I knew it my life felt consumed by insanity.. and every time I tried to break free from her it always tied and drew me closer to her.. until recently I was and have been determined.. there a nasty argument we had a few days ago and it stuck with me, and honestly turned me off of wanting to be around her.. she tried to blame some not so nice things on me, and I had read articles and stuff about manipulative people and assumed I was this, when really if we think of it.. this was her. and the controlling, possessiveness became insane.. maybe it's not wise for me to have my ex gf in my life but things are different, and as for the girl I was in love with 4 months ago.. things have changed drastically.
everyone deserves to be happy... and apart from this woman's broken soul, I had never felt so loved and appreciated..but my issues for my own self is controlling and ownership of things that I have worked so hard for.. it took me a long time to get the friends I have, and to keep them steadily in my life. and I felt like that was the only reason this woman was in my life, and that she was and wanted to take over the people in my life, and the things I did.. she even tried to make my cat love her but he didn't lol.
I know that for me.. I've got so many things going on and I needed and desired my own time.. I have been so used to being alone, and than all of a sudden this woman came in my life and consumed my life, and randomly showed up at places like at my vehicle where I parked my car, or at my house, or at my friends, or at my work. it was hard to want to be honest with her about where I was because I was scared she'd go there too.
Maybe I'm crazy.. actually yes I am crazy.. but this insanity of craziness really was a new level that I could not handle.. and the fact that as she left.. she said every hurtful thing she could think of just to try and hurt me.. I didn't say a word.. she's got to do what she's got to do.. but I drove her home, and she kept accusing me of being in love with these other women, or something insane... I didn't have any time for any one else.. and I wasn't interested in anyone else. I just wanted my time "me time" my down time, so that I can get myself together.. as I have a very stressful and straining job.. it's been insane and I just I didn't feel like she could understand that.. I also had a hard time discussing my job with her because she hadn't been raised in areas that I have, and she didn't really have a good understanding of people that i deal with.. and that was really hard for me.. because my job is important to me, the people I deal with are important to me, and it's important for me to stay at my job or in the community. And for her not to see that it made no sense to me and actually just felt like a huge wall between us.. because we didn't have much in common or things to talk about..
I don't really know what I like but I do know what I don't like.. I guess.. I really am interested in the gun range, and getting my license to go hunting with some friends, I like the idea of learning more about my culture and why it's so great to be me.. and to be around people who are strong with their culture... IDK
I just I'm losing my mind and I need to be set free.. I need to feel like I'm not owned or caged. I need to feel free to do as I please, I'm not married, and we didn't live together, and she didn't trust me and yet said she loved me. how can someone love someone but not trust them? that doesn't make sense.. she said she loved me but then accused me of loving someone else, or being with someone else or even being obsessed with someone else... I didn't have any desire for anyone else, I was content with her, but I needed the craziness of it all to stop.. that's what I definitely needed, and to not feel guilty for going out with my friends, or family.. to be allowed to be my own individual person and not feel like if I went someone it meant we were going somewhere..
I just hope the future is brighter for her.. and that we can get to a place where she doesn't love me the way she does, and that if she needs a friend.. that I can be that for her without any attachments or that she can find friends, because she is an amazing woman and I will miss her.. sometimes I've caught myself imitating her only because I don't know I'm doing but being around her that often I guess I've picked up some traits. haha!
Much Love and Keep Moving Forward

my love

I'm losing my mind again and its not abnormal it's a bit strange how easily she could walk out on me even though I didn't tell her to leave this time. Makes me think maybe this was always the plan.
I don't know what to do.. and I don't have anyone to talk too.. everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this insanity,and this craziness.. half the world says we should be happy and together as we love each other, the other half says she's using me for everything I've got, and that she manipulates me and makes me form these ideas of who she believes I am..compared to who I actually am..
She's judging me based on my past instead of recognizing that I'm not that person any more, just as much as people change, and grow and learn from their mistakes..
It took me a while to be who I am today, and maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone... maybe I just need to be alone because for the first time I see my flawed lifestyle and my flawed personality... I'm not who I was those many years ago when I was with my ex.. I've changed, grown, and become my own person but maybe I've also gotten to the point of being too comfortable with the person I am and unwilling to mold myself or make room for anyone else.
I mean realistically.. I am stubborn and demand my own way... I can't ever curve my life to someone else,and I don't think I should have to change drastically for someone to care about me, and no one should change for me either... and IDK... today I read my horoscope that stated maybe I"m not meant to be in love right now.. I'm needing to focus on work.. lol but I don't really believe in all of that, but right now.. the fact that she walked out on me... without even trying.. makes me think this is it.
and maybe that's what I want and need... there was always talk that I'd have my own space again, and that she'd give me time for myself... but i haven't had that..once again I've been suffocated in a box, expected to answer my phone when she calls me when I'm done work, expected to show up at her house at a specific time, or even now she expected me to run after her.. even though I have STRONGLY stated I'd never do that...
I honestly believe if someone wants to be with you, spend time with you, they would make the effort and not walk away, and not make you chase them.. people who make you chase them are only after game playing, and I'm not young and dumb anymore I'm not up for games anymore. I don't deserve that and maybe thats why I'm questioning everything.. but honestly what hurts more.. is being judged for who I was, and being accused constantly that I want to sleep with all these people, and that i don't have any filter of not sleeping with people..when I was very clear that it's not who I am, and it's not what I do..
I'm losing my mind as always...and I know because of it all.. I'll give up tomorrow.. Give up on the people who want to be in my life, and i'll just hide... maybe I'll go for a nice long drive and get away from it all, fuck it all! I need something because this isn't working for me.. and the more she brings up this stuff, the worse I feel... and it's really hard that everything is only from her perspective none of it is from my own..none of it is my stuff, or seeing it from where I sat, laid or was..it's always she's right an I'm wrong..really no! I'm right this time.
at least I'm a bit stronger now and I'm feeling the grip of this insanity slowly slipping away... just as my ex said it would..she said there will come a time I'll just get tired of it all and walk away, because there's only so much someone should/could handle...after that it just becomes ridiculous nonsense.. and it's not fair to me.. that's not love.. it's supposed to be something else..
an that's the other thing... there's all these ideas of engagement and marriage..but really.. I'm sorry and praise those who can be married, but I can't be.. I can't do it... I don't like that idea, it terrifies me, and I don't know maybe it's just the wrong person, but my ideas of marriage are distorted I don't know what marriage really is, besides the piece of paper...and some loyalty and commitment and devotion but that's the worlds view..there's a lot more to it Im sure.. but I can't be someone who does it.
Maybe one day I'll be like that friend I had..who was able to marry someone because it's what the person they loved wanted, and the friend wanted their partner to know they matter above all others, but still was able to be who they are? IDK.. I'll have to look into this one a bit more.. but I'd rather just be common-law thats' good enough.. more then enough anyway.

I know I know I know! but I get asked all these weird questions and I have to think about it and talk about it and I have to decide for myself and not let others get me in a place where I conform because that's not what i want for my life anymore

one last time

It was Oct 26, 1995... IDK if it was morning or night..I remember nothing...I only imagine what it was like for my father. apparently it was welfare day, he just got his cheque and I guess was looking for a good time.. he decided to get high and drink more then likely... the only thing I know for sure is that he died in the Dodson hotel on the 2nd floor, he died alone in the women's washroom...
I've read articles that state that the brain survives for 7 minutes after death and replays his memories.. I wonder what he remembered about me, about my brothers.. about my mom?
for the last 21 yrs I've struggled, limped, dragged my ass along... and I'll never make sense of why he did what he did, I'll never understand the addiction to that type of narcotics, or alcohol.. For some weird reason I'm smarter then that, and I've always had people looking out for me and the best interests of my life.
However... it doesn't excuse the pain I feel.. the pain and emptiness I've felt since my father died.. I remember or think I remember what the day was like.. I was 10 yrs old. It was beautiful sunny day, and it was gym day, we played one of my favourite games... by the afternoon I ended up with a stomach ache, and spent the rest of my time in the nurses office... at the end of the school day.. I walked home... smiling probably? I walked in the door..and heard screams, and sobs, and crying.. I walked through the kitchen and into the living room where I found my mom on the phone, and my older sister on her knees holding my moms leg. I didn't know what was happening, and on the couch were my two cousins who had no idea what was happening... within minutes...my mom picked me up from hugging my older sister...and said "your dad died" or something like that! I've never felt so broken, and so sad.. instead of dealing with it, I ran out the back door, with my cousin trevor following me. we climbed a roof... and chatted, and I cried.
everything after that is a blur.. I remember vaguely my father's funeral.. as they nailed in my father's coffin his mother was screaming No... I remember looking at my father...hoping it was a joke
It wasn't a joke.. it really happened..
AN every year I feel it over and over, it doesn't get easier... no one can ease that pain that I felt and feel..
This year.. I was working... and I can't be specific or tell the whole story... but I had someone overdose on heroin in my building in a bathroom stall.. but I had someone help me get him out and I gave him Naloxone (reverses the effects of overdose) and i gave him CPR until help arrived.. that morning I woke up.. I went to work.. and I spoke with my staff.. and I said "No One Dies today' they're like right cause today is reserved for the one death of my father.. and then that afternoon this happened...but I saved the life..and I wished so badly... that could've happened 21 yrs ago, where were these skills and training so many years ago?!

the one last time.. if it was his last time.. it killed my father, and for the person that overdosed it wasn't his time, and i was lucky to be aware of him, and have the proper training thanks to my work.. I've learned to keep moving forward.

Alls I can say...besides this.. is thanks for that day! and I'm glad that I wasn't alone! I miss my father everyday.. but I think he'd be proud of who I am today!

Much love

I'm suffocating here

So... this day didn't start out or end the way my mind had thought not that I knew what I was hoping for or wanted.. IDK when or where or how but there was a phrase that came to my mind! and I had to figure out what it was! So I've been thinking about this heartbreak mash up insanity that I've been supposed to make forever... I haven't had time! my time has been consumed with insanity! which shouldn't be abad thing.. but when I feel like sh** for checking my text messages, or Facebook, or even trying to write in my blog.. it's not a good feeling... I felt trapped.. anyway! so I was driving to work today and this phrase came to my mind "I'm suffocating here" and it summed up  all of how I have felt!
I know that's bad... and I think a lot of this problem is also my own fault... because a part of me wanted this relationship and thought how beautiful it had been.. but the problem was is my time was consumed by hers, my life was all about her... and her small nudges or nagging I tried to let it go.. but it adds up, and according to her I said stuff..which is weird.... she has the most amazing memory she remembers basically every conservation sorta..sometimes she mixes things up..anyway..
so I was trying to find the phrase...and thought it'd be perfect to add to my collection.. that I'm hopefully now going to continue to work on! Guess where it's from! "August Rush" most beautiful inspiring lost and love story! so that's what I'm watching now! and of course "Robin Williams" is in the movie! RIP! Amazing actor!
I feel like I'm losing my mind...and the thoughts and input of my friends is insane driving me crazy.. its funny because they said she loves me..but... I guess I don't love at all.. I don't understand it, know what it feels like, and i block it out! and i sabotage it in every way because it fuc*** terrifies me.. so maybe that's why I destroy this but then is it always me? it's unhealthy to make me be off work at that time,and here at that time, and theres no room for error, no stopping for gas, ice cream, or phone calls. I'm expected and blah blah.. IDK!
I want to run away.. I guess it's that time for me... My heart is fu**** I don't have one! and that's  first for me, and it's funny because people always tell me how great I am, and how much I give to others, and how I'd give everything I have for one of my friends, or how amazing it is to be my friend blah blah blah! but do I actually love my friends? do I just appreciate who they are? and how does someone respect someone else! An lastly! if me being honest didn't come with strings attached, or reactions like "oh so your gonna do this that and the other thing with her" than maybe i'd be more honest.
I wish I could be a singer.. lol I have absolutely no talent! but to travel and get away often! to not be tied down to anything! maybe I should move back to Ontario... maybe I should go find something else to do.. because what I'm doing now everyone says I'm wasting my talents, and also I'm unhappy and I'm all about drama..
I think apart from my hair appointment and my moms sobriety cake on Sunday.. I think this will be the last time I do anything, and also I'm going to strongly consider leaving... I think it's time.. I mean I have made no good impression on my family, I am completely alone and I'm not changing the world Im not making it a better place.. I'm losing my mind an Im suffocating here!
Someone should just hit me.. make me feel something..I think it would help me avoid what I'm about to do!

No Harm in Truth

I guess I'm the worst at this truth stuff, no I'm the worst at harm... I'm the worst at expression of love, expression of emotion... This is my one flaw, my one painful thing that prevents me from a lot of greatness. My now ex gf wanted me to want her, need her, tell her how much I missed her or tell her that I cared for her, adored her, loved her.. And yet... I couldn't get over all the accusations she was throwing at me as if I really would want to date my ex gf, or date a guy for that matter. I for some reason was dedicated to her, and only wanted her and her amazing love.
The worst thing is everyone in my life.... is like "let her go" let her walk away, stay away from her. and yet... I can't.. I feel it deep with my heart, I feel it.. I miss her.. I want her in my life.. I don't know what I'm thinking in letting her walk away? Probably thinking she's crazy to have called me 9 times while I was in the movies, because she didn't know the movie was two hours long.. my phone didn't have service in the theatre, and I also put my phone in my bag so I didn't have it on me.
This continuous insanity..just keeps me thinking... what my sexy lady an I were trying to figure out a couple days ago.. "what is love" you know I've been asked this question a lot.. and my issue is I didn't know love... I didn't know love until my late teenage years, I didn't know my mom loved me till i was 21 yrs old..
So to ask me this question is so difficult for me to answer it..
But... Love for me.. is my lady.. the one woman in my entire life! My Lady was my help, my love, my friend... she loved me unconditionally, she loved me without judgement, and she stood by me in my good and bad times... love was appreciating who she is, and her appreciating who I am. being there for each other.. Love is a feeling of "cup runneth over' lol.. love is beauty in every piece of darkness, love is seeing her smile, love is seeing her eyes, and love is her being comfortable enough with me to cry, and know that i could comfort her and love her... I would never ask anything else of her but to be loved... because us having that amazing love, unconditional and that love will be forever, eternal, for infinity.. It doesn't matter that my lady and I aren't friends anymore.. that love lives deep within my heart and soul! and to me that is love.
I don't know if that true.. I don't know what it is for anyone.. I honestly also think if I had to be completely honest.. I didn't know love until I met God! until those two Christians knocked on my door asking if I wanted to go to church. I think the reason I can show love in a SMALL way! is because I have felt pure love.. Its funny most people I know have met God in some way or other.. thats the one thing that seems to be consistent for everyone.. but...today I was driving and seen these people holding up signs "Abortions kills children" as much as this may or may not be true.. they are labeling God as conditional, that he won't love you if you decided to have an abortion.. but the reality is... God has no judgement on anyone, if he did... why does he forgive the murders, the rapists, and child molesters? So these judgements that Abortion Kills Children is human emotion, human conditioning God and his ultimate greatness. IDK if that's true.. but I'ms sure if someone who had an abortion was hurt, and cried on her knees and asked God for Forgiveness I think he'd forgive her.

I'm getting carried away... so I guess.. I had to let Scarlet go.. I had to walk away mostly because she went on her extreme.. she believed so strongly that the only reason I went out was to go on a date. instead of realizing that everyone I was out with were ALL my friends! My amazing friends who have stuck by me for about 6 yrs. and only one of those many was someone i had dated, but that was 3 years ago..I'm sure it's possible for us just to be friends, its possible just to enjoy the company of others. I mean we all had a great time, and I laughed, and laughed till my stomach hurt, and I was surrounded by greatness... and then at the end of the movie, I had nothing but problems because my gf believed so strongly that I was out on a date. I was not... I did want my gf to come to the dinner and movies, but she has a job, and has to make a living. I figured next time, next time she can come out and meet my friends.
Instead I guess there is no next time..
and my friend tonight.. he told me that I'm pretty awesome because I'm not blaming this all on her.. this isn't all her fault.. this our fault!
I am not the emotional, lets hug and talk about how I feel, or let me express to you how much I love and adore, cherish, and miss you... these are not emotions that I express.. and to those that are able to hear me say, to know I have those emotions within me for them, are lucky.. because we have a woman, who is absolutely crazy, but absolutely amazing.. the way she smiles, the way she looks into my eyes, the way she holds my hand, and the way she jokes, smiles, grins, the way she holds me, kisses me, the way she makes me feel... the fact thats she not fuck**ed up the fact that she has a job, and that she is able to be confident in her own skin, that she can clearly express to me how much she cares for me, how much she misses me...
Anyway! I'm not an emotional person. I don't want to blame this on my mother, but my mother is not an emotional person either... through this generational bull***shit we have been damaged by the garbage my mom was taught, that I was taught, and that I tried to NOT teach my brothers and sisters, I don't know they are expressive..I hope they are.. anyway.. I don't know how to change, I don't know how to be expressive how to love unconditionally or express that love.. and also it's only been a short time and I think for me loving her would take time, but she needed to be needed, she needed to be wanted..and although I needed her an wanted her, she needed to hear it.. and i couldn't do that.. I don't know why..
As for her.. well... general insanity.. she believed that everyone in my life was someone I wanted to sleep with, or that i was cheating on her... or that I just definitely and utterly disrespected her all the time.. I think that she is absolutely amazing, she is beautiful, and she is worth my time, because she does make me happy.. but not on days like today... when my heart feels cracked, burdened and i don't know what to do.. except write, except cut, except complain... and I'm grateful for my one friend who says who cares what people think of you and your gf... they said... how do you feel about her, and that's all that should matter, the only reason everyone has there reservations about her is because of what i've said, none of them actually know her the way I do.. and they all have formed judgements because I have gone to them sad, broken, and/or hurt.. they haven't seen me on my good days with her. so who cares what they think... what do I want?
an that's tough too.. because I don't know if I should keep moving forward, or go back..and yet she won't let me back..because she hates me because she's right, and I'm wrong.. and that's a tough one for me.. maybe she deserves better, maybe she's met someone like she said she was going to do the other night... maybe she'll come back.. or maybe its over, the only thing I've taken from this is "what is love" and what do I need to do to work on myself so that I'm better at expressing how I feel. yes on here I am very expressive but not in person.. It's impossible for me! I just want her to come back and give us time to figure this out.. but that time might be too late, and that's what I'll also have to deal with! I'll always adore her, care for her, love her, and want her..
MUST try moving forward.......

try try try and then give up

I'm not sure what I'm thinking or why I even have allowed myself to be on this insane roller coaster, why is it that I'm so attracted to her now? probably because she actually finally doesn't want me, and I guess maybe I'm attracted to that? but the other part of it would be some of my friends have asked me why I'm attracted or why I care so much. As I spoke the words I realized who I was losing, and how Fuc*** up that is! and how I shouldn't let my bulshit stubbornness, or my insecurity get in the way of knowing someone amazing?
It's too late! I pushed her too far, or she pushed me too far. the fact that I had to go to the extreme that I did, to me is nothing as I did it often with my ex...and this was the other thing I've been in some not so great relationships so when I ask something pretty specific I expect it to happen.. lets also not forget the garbage she said to me.. the words she said! the things she said intentionally to hurt me, she was hurt and she lashed out pretty extremely.
these are the things I must remember! I don't know why it hurts so much, I guess just because she's closed minded about what I've lived through, and what I've survived and the relationships I've endured. she constantly accused me of cheating even though I said that's not really who I am, and thats not really what I would do.
She came back into my life lets say yesterday? she messaged me..and we've been talking since then, and honestly it's easier to talk to her when we aren't always together.. I actually can come up with things to talk about, I don't feel so strangled.. If I had to express what it's like.. I'll use my favourite analogy. Watching a snake grasp it's prey, and slowly and I mean slowly squeeze the life out of it, and the more the prey breathes the more the snake tightens it's grip..and soon the prey is dead, and next will be the swallowing the prey whole.
I felt like that... questioning everything I was doing, who I was, and what my plans were... I used to be all about plans and stuff..but now! someone can text me and say lets go for dinner tonight, or lets go grab a coffee or lets go for lunch..these are most things that I like.
Anyway... I felt like the life was being squeezed out of me.. and i felt like I was losing my friends because they (one) was specifically worried about getting in the way, and that was hard for me.. no matter the circumstances.. I shouldn't allow anyone to get in the way of my friendships, if anything this partner of mine should try and get to know my friends. you want to know the kind of person I am, meet my friends, you want to know how I am comfortable and vulnerable meet my friends. but trying to prevent me from them..only puts a darkness and emptiness in my heart because I guess even though I don't always hang with my friends.. I usually talk to people on a daily basis.
I'm grateful for the women in my life.
Anyway.. so instead of reminding myself of all the beautiful things that she brought into my life, I have to remember all the bad things that she also carried, and all the baggage she brought to me.. as she has had some pretty messed up relationships and she has a lot of emotion that goes with that all. there's no simple way no easy road.. but I have to remind myself that I can't just try and try and continue to fail, that I actually need to step back and recognize that there's more to the world than this, and that although I may have strong emotions, I may admire and or adore her in some sense.. I have to start reminding myself why things are the way they are...
As much as I want to say i know her.. I don't feel like I know her at all and maybe that's super important because if I was that scared when it all went down, thats either something in her or something in me.. and that I need to look at carefully because I know those are things that I need to work through with or without her.
It's also going to be ok now.. if she completely gives up on me... because I think if I trust someone in that way, they won't find ways to throw that in my face? I think that's not trusting someone, and not being able to rely on someone.. cause that's not a nice thing to do!. IDK! just thinking.. I need to work this out and i don't have anyone to talk to about it....But I definitely miss her... UGH! I miss having her with me, and seeing her smile, and holding her, and laughing, and other fun stuff... lol... but I can't let myself focus on that! there's a reason! a Reason for ALL of this! remember! not all unicorns and rainbows, there's bad with good!

entwine

Is it possible to move on from everything and not feel what i feel?! today was a really beyond difficult day for me.. I'm trying really hard to keep this facade that I don't care, that I don't care that I lost this crazy girl I adored... If I didn't feel what I felt for her, I wouldn't have let her be in my life, a part of my life.. and my mind keeps trying to tell me that maybe with time, maybe with patience or something maybe it could work.. But that's crazy talk... you know my ex said something to me recently about how crazy attracts crazy... could be true, everyone tells me often that I'm crazy, insane, psycho... but really if I am! then so is my ex.. if I attract those kinds of people.. then yay, at least I'll never be bored, and I'll be kept on my toes...
but this girl.. was so different.. so amazing.. apart from her craziness (which I loved) when I spoke of her to my friend last night.. I used terms words phrases, moments, passionate moments I've had with her.. and it seriously brought tears to my friends eyes, because it's beautiful, that's a beautiful thing to even imagine a future, imagine a life worth living. I needed that.. and although this girl might not be that for me, it's like rising from the dead, rising from the ashes. finding a beautiful light, even just a flicker, brings warmth to my heart and soul.
I hate that I've lost that.. I hate that I am the reason that is gone..and the only reason that happened is because she hit a nerve..with me..and my problems... I don't mind people throwing Sh*t in my face but there's one piece, one very serious piece of my life that no one will ever be able to get through with me.. and the one woman that did get through, is the only woman who has ever carried something I gave to her.
Anyway... I guess for me that was hurtful and the only reason it was hurtful is because its true, and I hate that I share these pieces of my life with her, and then it gets thrown in my face and I have to feel shitty about being vulnerable with her in some way, and I'm also upset that society has this idea of why people self-harm, or why people think of suicide. I always hope that the suicide awareness would make people more understanding of why people make those choices, but also at least talk about self-harm.. IDK...
I wish I could explain it.. I wish I could tell you just as easily as someone can express what it's like to shoot drugs in your arm, or how or why it's so easy to fall into alcoholism.. etx.. but thats not what this is, and I don't do it because I want attention... If you asked any of my friends... they'd say "yes she used to do those things, but I don't she's doing it now"
I don't tell the people closest to me about my issues, I try to avoid them with them.. we want to talk about rainbows and unicorns and superficial things.. not about serious topics about some issues I'm dealing with, actually not dealing with.. today I had a conversation with lets say a friend of mine, who mentioned some alternative coping mechanisms because of course everyone has the right answer in how to save me from my own self-destruction.. I wish it was that easy.. it's not feeling that easy, I have tried many things.. I had help.. I lost that help because I lost my mind with losing the people that mattered to me the most!
Anyway! I feel entwined in the lives of many! it's hard to be cold and mean when I know I need them! I need her! I need to feel loved because right now I know I'm not worthy of it! and I also know that I can't... cause that's selfish too! its' time to I wish I could say crawl in a sewer and fade away but that's not what I can do... but I need to get outta this! and the only way for me.. is insanely crazy!
I'm grateful for the close friends that know the situation and absolutely have been there for me.. but those friends aren't with me all the time, they can't save me from the nights, the nights in bed, the nights  I'm alone...once again.  I can't help but think "I Miss You" and lame as fuc* like Rose calling for the boats "come back, come back" lol I utter the same words under my breath but reality and fantasy are two different things..and i know what's best.. an even if it's not what's best! I'm like my father, stubborn as fuc* and I'll never let anyone tell me what to do!
The worst part is that I should've known better! I should've known that I'd hurt her, and that she'd hurt me. and that things were insanely crazy! and that I should've stepped back, I should've I have no idea not let her gain this type of access to my heart an soul which is why it is so hard to stay away
Im losing my mind.. and IDK what to do.. and I don't know if I want to keep trying this insanity!

Fu**ed up

I don't know what to feel? what to do?? So I met this girl about a month ago and it's been an insanely rocky start since we started this insanity! and even in the insanity I have to say! I felt happy, I liked having someone to make me think of the future, I liked the idea of actually wanting to live. I have always had this plan that I'll reach all my goals and that in about ten years my life will end...
I know I'm completely crazy... and yes it's true I am Fuc**ed up... I'll say walk at least ten miles in my shoes and see where I've come from and what I've done to get where I am today and then try and not be Fukced up! I'll tell you it's nearly impossible! the world has a "Normal" way of things and then there are "Our Way" of things.. in understanding where I've come from, what I've lived through, and how I've survived those moments in my life.
I know life isn't easy... I know life is not meant to be unicorns and rainbows...but to be abused, used, and hurt most of my life, and then to realize that love was never real in my life until I was an adult.. imagine that! almost like NEVER hearing the words "I love you" being heard in my family, and so hearing them is weird...or even talk about feelings..what feelings? there are no feelings in my world.. my world is numb, broken and shattered, angry and frustrated and silent...if I cry I cry behind closed doors, if I feel hurt I feel hurt shut down, and yes I have some SERIOUS issues with bad choices believe me I know I have issues, but you throwing it in my face will not make me care about you anymore.
I know... what I deserve..as tears run down my face, and my arm bleeds.. I know what I deserve.. I know who I've hurt, what I've done, and that all the worlds problems are my fault.. I know that I failed, I failed my family, I failed my uncle, and I failed my dad, and I failed my brothers and sisters, and worst of all I failed my mother..
You know everyday I try... I try so hard to wipe the stains of my difficult past off my shoulders, I try to raise my head and not let people see shame in my eyes, in my heart. I know that I have cut, I know that I am a suicidal fuckin psycho crazy person.
I don't feel ok! I feel my heart is broken and I'm unable to love anyone! and if you show me love than your just as idiotic as me...but worse because you won't leave when I tell you too..
My mind..my thoughts...are completely different from my heart and soul... I know that everyone talks about this great person I am, the amazing love that I have to give, and the amazing beauty of my heart and soul! but do you know what I've had to do to get here? Do you know that love for me is such painful shit that when people sometimes love me... I can only think how unworthy of it I am. does anyone know what it's like to be abused? does anyone know what it's like to have an addiction for over 15-18 yrs of my life?
Does anyone know how much shame i carry in my heart and soul, the stains of my generational curse! and because of that I'll never let myself be who they were...although realistically I already am. I try and try pretend I'm different, the ugly duckling..
reality is i'm not... I have become someone I don't want to be.. I needed my friends.. I needed to be loved. I needed to love her forever, and i need her now. and that's completely insane... I don't think I can keep doing this to anyone... because reality is! I won't change! I won't grow I won't be ok! and I won't want to keep moving forward... I've struggled with these thoughts for years! I'd rather die.. then try and work through this!
I know that she deserves better! She has an amazing heart, amazing beautiful fragile heart, and she's been hurt..but her beauty in being able to love the unlovable, and her willingness to work through things is incredible..she has so much of a great future ahead of her, and that future should not include me. I know that I'll smear that beautiful heart, and I'll abuse that heart, I'll probably break, tear, sow that heart and then throw it out with the trash..cause that's who I am.. I"m not worthy of that amazing love that she has to give, but to tell you the truth to have felt it for that one month! no greater light for my soul! I needed that, with everyone that I've lost it's a beautiful memory that I'll never forget!
I'm not ok! I'm Not OK! I don't know if I can keep doing this anymore and the more I say that the harder the tears fall from my eyes, and the harder it is to not do something stupid! I don't want to be saved, I don't want to be rescued! I just want someone to acknowledge that I'm hurt right now, and that I'm having a really difficult moment and a weak moment that I've made a not so great choice that yes I may regret it! but I have to live with it like all my other bad decisions.. I just refuse to let her continue to be hurt by me! she's deserves better! I will always love and care for you, but I'll not let you back in my life, as I am unworthy of that beautiful heart of yours!
I'm gonna lose my mind for a bit again... but I know that this is the right decision because I've been fighting for this, the more I knew her the more I knew I was not the one for her, she deserves someone who isn't as Fuc*ed up as I am..
It's hard to even sleep now... I need her with me! this is insane ! Im insane! I don't know how I'm going to get through this! it's not fun and its breaking my heart and soul! I need her back and yet I can't talk about psycho!

Much love and respect

I went away for the weekend... I drove to Prince George with my brothers... I must say it was an amazing journey... the drive to Prince George was pretty intense, it was cold and it poured like hail poured which I pulled over and waited for it to pass.. haha.. I thought I was a great driver but that clearly was not weather I could drive in. We got to Prince George and we picked one of the first motel buildings we could find, I was completely exhausted... I didn't realize how tired I was...
Sunday Morning we were supposed to drive to Ft St James to lay the headstone down, as I was about to pull out to do that, I asked my brothers... if they wanted me to contact their uncle, or their grandma (I know they are related to me too, but I have serious issues of that connection) they both wanted me to contact them.. so I did..
For the first time in about 15 yrs we drove to their Uncle Greg's house... I wasn't sure what to expect as previously Greg never really showed much interest in my brothers or I.. but life happens? things change? Greg was very happy to meet us, and meet my brothers, he went on and on about our dad.. how our dad was...what made him happy, and IDK just random stories.. We also met my brother's grandmother... I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely was not an 88 yr old woman who didn't recognize us.. haha.. my favourite part was "your my granddaughter, and what did you do to your hair" lol.. it too some reassurances from my brothers that this is good an healing... a few times we had to repeat who we were to this woman... she's so fragile now, and I remember her differently so this was definitely an experience...
Greg couldn't get over talking to us about our father, he couldn't stop talking about it, and laughing, and crying...Greg decided to drive with us to Ft St James... nice two hour car ride with him,and he sorta talked he talked more as he got more comfortable with us.. My brothers thought it was completely strange that Greg just randomly walked into people's homes...
Cause I guess we had to follow protocol when it came to the headstone that I bought for my dad. So I thought we needed the two people from a different "clan" lay the headstone down, but Greg did things differently and cold a father Simon who came and blessed the headstone. It was pretty interesting, Greg stated that he is a religious man and that everyone in that part of the family is religious.
We had lunch and drove back to Prince George... and Greg asked all of us if any of us were drinkers or anything, and I explained my situation of why I'm not a heavy drinker, and showed him the scar on my arm, and my constant struggle with wanting to die. I know I'll never fully understand why I do the things I did, or think the way I do...I guess that was why I was trying to find a counsellor maybe someone can help me understand my head and thoughts.
we left the Monday back to Van City! I missed home so much it was unbelievable and more so I missed my girlfriend...
It was really emotional weekend for me.. in the sense of finally after months and months of trying to do this one thing... it had finally come together, I finally was able to get the headstone, and get the people, and drive there.
I guess the only final piece there is... is that I need the cement slab to lay down the headstone properly.. I must say how difficult this has been to figure out.. so when I originally started talking to people in Ft St James, I was able to speak to Public Works, and I guess they thought they took care of the graveyard my father's buried at... just to go through all that work to find out it was elders or a band in the area... so it took awhile, but Public Works told me they had the cement slab that was all ready to go and that I could pick it up... but then Public Works fell off the face of the earth, and so now.. IDK.. should I pay someone to make the cement slab, or pay someone to harass public works to put the cement slab down at the gravesite.. why do these things have to be so complicated, why didn't the headstone come with a cement slab.. lol I paid over 800 dollars for it.. geez... lol.
My favourite is everyone admired my father's headstone, it is very unique and beautiful made.. I'm very grateful I was able to do this for my father, and I'm glad I was able to share this experience with my brothers.
If I could just do one thing, if i could just say one thing... Dad I love you! and I hope you know not a day goes by that I'm not thinking of you, and wishing you were here with me.. My life has completely changed for the worst since the day you died... I hope you are well and safe! RIP daddy

I won't be a fool

I keep replaying this one song and it's not even relative to what I'm feeling but I just love Ciara voice haha.
I'm having an interesting time!!! MSL had messaged me!!! :) talk about the best thing in the world but hearing why she was upset with me wasn't very nice, because things were fine before, things were beautiful before... but then I got a gf.. and that gf didn't like my relationship with msl. but this was always my own fault, but losing that has never hurt more then this.. I think a week ago... when this all went down... I changed...
I told my gf... I feel like I'm three different people.. the first is the one that was in love with life, with msl, the one that was infatuated with all this happiness of dreams and hopes blah blah blah.. and then theres another side the "dark side" the "beast of burden" always just barely on the surface a constant reminder that my life is not worth much, and that I am not worth much, and that my life would be so much better if it ended...that everyone who has been in my life would or could be happier if i wasn't here. this side of me is the most dominant side, because I feel like I have so much feelings of shame of what I've lived through, and what scars are on my body... IDK.. I don't feel a lot of love anymore.. I guess the third person is who I am now... guarded...worried, scared and not wanting to be in love anymore, not wanting to feel the heartache I've felt in the last while.. not just with msl but also with my lady.. two amazing women in my life who have been a great light in my life, a great whatever they were, inspiration in my life, each women has had a piece of my heart in a way like no other.
and both had left me.. both had uprooted all that we were and just basically threw it away like it never matter to them. (not that this is true, this is what I feel)
So as a result.. I'm scared... I don't EVER want to feel the way I felt.. and I also now want to refuse to be happy because that can also result in this love.
So now that being said.. my gf is struggling with me.. she wants to be in the same league as those other women...I guess it's not that easy, it's actually really difficult and has taken a lot of time! I can GUARANTEE I had put a lot of tests, lots of mind games on both women, and pushed them away, pulled them close, and pushed them away, and been a bi*ch and all that... and if after walking through fire, and being able to still care for me.. then they succeed.. haha.. so for my gf.. it's a lot harder because I've only known her a short while, and I'm feeling really wounded right now...
I'm struggling with what I wanna do now, I'm struggling with my own person.. my own desires, and my own ideas..
I can't believe how easy it is for people to throw me away.. people often talk about my generosity, they speak of my compassion, my amazing heart, and blah fuckin blah! but yet I'm easy to let go of? so explain that to me? So do I really wanna live my life like that? do things need to change so that I'm more aware of who I let into my life, or do I need to guard my heart under lock an key and give it to no one?
I'm so confused, and I'm terrified..
At the same time... I have this amazing lady who wants to be in my life, she loves being around me, she has some expectations of me, but she challenges my comfort zone, and she makes me smile, and she makes my belly feel like butterflies because she looks at me the way I want to be looked at, she holds me the way I want to be held.. she has done nothing wrong.. (mostly nothing) the things that she has done we have worked through..
I think I just need more time... more time to process how I feel and figure out what I want to do.. because right now... I'm happy to be running away this weekend.. the one most important thing in the entire world is finally happening, and I'm not backing down! I just hope it all works out.
I need some time away, I absolutely loved the open road, I loved the beauty of British Columbia who couldn't love that?
And of all things I'll be sharing this beautiful experience with my brothers... and that will be good too! I can only hope that things come together the way I need them too! the only thing I can hope is that I find the people who are supposed to be paid to lay down the headstone, and that I'm also supposed to try have some sort of ceremony about the whole thing.. I wish I had an elder to walk me through that process,but I don't know a lot of FN people who are from my dad's area
Lastnight I watched "the Judge" it was a very difficult show for me to watch.. it totally reminded me of my uncle.. and it brought back all those feelings that I thought I had forgotten, and to be honest the same cancer that he had in the movie is the same as my uncle, so to see how much pain that he had to endure, only gave me a sliver of what my uncle went through and he endured that alone... as far as I'm aware, he didn't tell me... about his cancer... I didn't find out until I heard he was in the hospital and spent my last 10 days with him before he died.
Today I spent the day with my boss doing work obviously.. but I finally was able to connect with him in a way that we both can see the struggles we have endured and are able to be where we are now, I am happy to work for the company when I meet men like him, I am inspired.. and I hope that we do some great work together, but we both know this isn't forever... this is a stepping stone.. for me I don't know what I want to do.. I thought I knew.. but failing that one exam has crushed all my dreams, I don't even think I can enter school again anytime soon..
I'm rambling..but i guess it's processing... making things clear.. making me remember what I want and why I want them. I definitely don't want love.. I'm sorry but after what I've endured.. I don't want and/or deserve love.. Maybe its the abused child in me, but I'm too worried and hurt and scared to feel that ever again, and I'll do everything in my power to avoid it.. I'm completely screwed up right now... if only none of this had happened but it's good because it's moment for growth, and it's moment for me to see who I am, and who I don't want to be, and what I need to do to change.. or maybe I'm just insane like everyone says and i should be in the Psych ward.. only time will tell
HAHAHAHHAhahahahhahahhahahhahah

Letter of Truth

Its unbelievable its' been 4 days... 4 days of not hearing from her, and knowing how much she hates me. I am completely busted by the whole situation, I can't be happy because she was my happiness. she was the sparkle in my eye, the light in my darkness, she was the moon to my stars haha.
An because she deleted me from everything, I figure I'll write it here and see if it helps me feel better because I'm sad, and carrying this heartache around.. and I'm busted up!
MSL I want you to know that I love you, I've loved you from the first day I met you! All crazy insanity an all! I've tried to never do anything to hurt you, but to guard you, protect you, and comfort you when your sad. I know that love is impossible for us, and that you'll never feel the way I feel about you. But I loved having you in my life, I loved talking to you, I loved making you smile, and making you nervous that you make bad driving decisions, i loved being there for you when you needed me, and I loved having you show up at my work often! You truly cared for me if your way was to show it by spending time with me. I needed you often and you were there, I had long chats about random things, things that entwined our hearts and souls.. I will always love you and the person you are! I would never change you, form you in anyway..except for you hair which i did change haha! I guess I know what heartache, and heartbreak feels like... You came in my life when my best friend bailed on me, and when she deserted me in that heartache... she too hurt; obviously why we aren't friends.. but you were my most amazing distraction that I could hardly believe it's been nearly two months since she's been gone.. My heart still aches for her, because she was the ultimate woman in my life, no one could live up to her amazing love and compassion.. I'll forever have a place for her but she's gone..and I didn't cry a lot and I didn't feel a lot of pain for it all because I had you.. you became the most amazing friend in my life, someone to comfort me, and to allow me to be vulnerable, to cherish me, and be there and be willing to get a tattoo with me.. (good thing we didn't now) but I'll still get it as a representation of who we were.. because you matter to me, you are very much engraved in my heart. As for the whole situation let me try my best to express.. that I am truly sorry how everything ended... I know you don't understand.. But I know and feel heartache every time I think of it.. So lets try this analogy so you can get a clear picture of what i was going through and I'll try my best not to be an As**ole
Imagine you with the love of your life (loser guy) out for dinner an he just so happens to be with his new girlfriend and you guys are out having dinner.. and as much fun as it might be for him to have you there, his girlfriend is focused on him, touching him, an being completely weird because she doesn't want you there. because she knows what he meant to you, so she continues to harass him, and make him lets say hold her hand, or something normal... normal couple stuff..but reality is... you don't feel comfortable because you are still in love with him, and it's completely insane love that obviously he'll never get back with you..but you still dream and hope.. Now that you see the situation clearly imagine how I felt when I was there with you two. I didn't like any of it, and I wanted you.. and I can't have you, and so i was gonna say after I got to work was... can we just not have our others around when we hang out... clearly my gf doesn't like you, and I don't like him..and i know thats completely ridiculous but I like having your attention when I'm with you, and I don't want someone else fighting for it. because I know I'll lose.. so I was gonna say.. lets just be us when we are there in the present.
Instead that didn't happen, instead you shattered my heart with meaningless words that will forever scar my soul.. I can't believe how much I love you.. an how hard it has been day by day having to not have you in my life. I cry, I cry and cry and people tell me I'm crazy an I'm a loser for feeling what I feel for you..because you'll never love me, care for me, and likely we'd enter into a cycle of abuse where you'd constantly do things to cause me more pain..which is interesting..but I guess if you actually love me in a small way you wouldn't hurt me, but because your heartless and don't actually care about me. you'd intentionally just cause me more pain and I'd one day not be able to live with myself and my constant failure, and constant pain
OR maybe I made that all up.. lol
I wish you were here... I have countless times imagined you showing up at my work, or calling me on my phone.. and telling me your an idiot and i'm an idiot and that you'd forgive and forget.. but that day won't happen..because you clearly burned all bridges where you and I could have been.

I miss you and I'm sorry that things have ended this way, and I'll forever love you in a way like no other! if alls I can say.. is find your happiness, find your love,and find your heart! strive to grow and become more amazing.. it'd be nice to see a beautiful smile on your face more often! and one day when we pass each other maybe it'll sting a lot less..or maybe I'll cry.. who knows...

Much Love

Born to love you

It's been one of the hardest days of my life.. I feel completely shattered.. I partially wish it was all a dream.. and that I'll wake up and everything will be as it should be.
But reality is... here and now..and part of that here and now is not being in her life.. she is not someone I can and/or should love.. I have tried to do this before with not talking-to her but it didn't work out, but this time is different.. this time she did it.. this time she purposely told me to leave and that broke my heart.. every time I did it to her it didn't phase her according to her she doesn't have a heart.
It's time to move on.. time to look to the future. and I'll say having her in my life was nice.. I liked smiling, and I liked our time together.. I liked being trusted and admired for my amazing ability to always be there for people..even people who just hurt me.. maybe she didn't know that she was doing it likely because I never really told her. but the scars on my arm are proof that I'm toxic, and that I think way too much.
It wasn't that long ago that I said I couldn't live without her, and that I couldn't let her leave my life.. and its true.. just as I write that, my eyes well up, and i begin to cry.. I loved her.. I cherished her.. and now I'm dealing with the heart break in losing her.
I'm so messed up... and its funny everyone who knew about my love for her are all surprised at how much it has effected me, that I couldn't work, and if I could I wouldn't go to work tomorrow because this is unbelievable painful experience that I just want to lay in bed and cry..
It's super lame because I have someone in my life.. someone who is great for me.. she loves me, and cares for me, and she does everything she can to make me smile, and she hasn't left me, she hasn't thought of it.. but I'm so fucked with my own emotions.. does she know what I'm feeling? does she know I'm heartbroken and that I'm unhappy with how it all turned out..
I can only hope that I get through this.. and listen to all the dang articles about refusing to go back to the things that only cause us pain.. to only focus on the good and happy.. why does anything else matter.. and then reality is I'm accustomed to pain, and torment and abuse. I'm not used to being treated the way she treats me.. and so it's hard.. for me.. because I don't know how to be for her.. I'm so distracted I can't sleep, I can't eat... I can't talk.. I can only feel the pain deep within my heart.. wishing I could put a gun to my head...
I know BS. but I'm hurt and broken..and its going to take time to heal from this.. and I just hope that my gf doesn't give up on me, otherwise all of this would've been for nothing.. but then again.. is it worth losing her over? IDK. why couldn't it work the way it was working.. why was it all or nothing, black and white? where's the shades of grey?
I'm losing my mind..and once again I'm losing my mind writing.. I can't write, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't be happy anymore.. and I can't ever face her again.

Not the same

I'm hurting right now.. I'm crying as I write these words an recognize the pain all so well. It makes me want to make bad choices cause no one is worth my tears. The woman I've spoken about for months on months well the truth is.. I felt more closer to her then anyone in my life, so when my girlfriend asked me to step away from her I had a hard time with it. Almost as though a piece of my soul was being taken away from me. So I tried to stay close an all my friends said no one is worth that kind or type of bulshit. But reality is.. my gf has every reason to be jealous. I am in love with this girl who has never loved me or will ever love me. I wanted her in my life because I knew she'd always be there for me..she became a piece of my heart an soul I already feel my heart breaking, shattered an bruised. Just like Robyn if she tries to come back now there is no way back to me. I'm hurt An once that happens there's no coming back there's no forgiveness. It was a dumb reason to get upset.. but she has found someone I don't really know how she feels about him, but every time I seen him with her the way he brushed his hand against her, tried to hold her, whatever stupid shit happened.. I was angry I want her only for myself. Not for anyone else. An I became fucked in the head. An had to get away... I wanted to drive my car into a wall having to sit there having to see this an no matter how much I tried to ignore them I can see them, hear them.. an it broke my heart because I'll never be that person. An I shouldn't want to be that person I have a woman in my life who feels for me the way I felt for this woman.  She deserves my attention she deserves my love. The only issue was this one woman.  An this one woman decided I wasn't worth it anymore all my fucked up games, an coded messages an shit. So she basically told me to fuck off today.  An as I read those words the first tbing I thought about was bad... an even as I write them now I'll probably make a bad decision because my heart is broken. I just lost someone else I loved. An now I just hate the world an nothing is worth anything anymore.
I guess this is the perfect time for my tattoo there's nothing but pain happening an I need something to hurt me.
I can't believe how this all turned out. An I can't believe I lost her. Nothing will hurt me as much as that just did

Depressing

So its true... I'm truly an introvert who absolutely hates the world.  I could watch my TV, read a book,  write. I can go on lite hikes, I can drive to complete an utter darkness an pull over an watch the stars. But I can't do the PNE. I can't be normal people. Sitting here freezing my ass off I remember why I avoid these types of things because it's too painful for me to have to realize what a loser I am.
I miss the simpler days when my friends would cook for me, talk to me an have a connection with me one on one. Anything more than that an I start getting self conscious, an feeling inadequate. People laugh at me all the time about my feelings but this is who I am. An why is it such a problem that I'd rather give someone my undivided attention an devotion... when I can actually listen to your heart, your words an to be able to see your body language, see how you voice things. Why is this so weird.
I'd also rather jump off a bridge like bungee jumping, I'd rather jump out of an airplane skydiving. I'd rather drive to the gun range an shoot my guns.
But sitting here..I feel sad an ashamed of who I am.. an realizing no one really appreciates me an what I do an how I like things.  I'm supposed to be someone else. But I also refuse to change for anyone.  Why can't people like the quieter things. The beautiful moments in life. I'd rather go to the aquarium, the zoo...rather than be here because nothing would be expected of me. I could just enjoy the beautifuL animals but I guess the problem is I also hate caged animals. I hate that the world has considered this acceptable behavior to entrap wild life.. for the pleasure of people.oh I remember what was my favorite is the zoo in Ontario I can't remember what it was called...but they had lions and lioness an giraffe an whatever else. An they were exactly caged but they were contained.. does that make sense.  I liked that.
I'd also rather call up Robyn an say please forgive me an come back in my life because I think I need you an value you. But at the same time it wasn't that we screwed up beyond repair.. I'm sure her an I can talk it through. But maybe things are different at least they are different for me. She isn't my whole world anymore I have some amazing people in my life, but at the same time I absolutely miss her. I miss her talking to me, I miss her hugging me. I miss spending time with her.. I miss the person I was when I was with her...
Oh I could enjoy going to a BC Lions game too that's fun for me too. Lol.
I wish I knew no I don't wish.. I can't imagine where she is at with her life an I can't imagine what's happened. I can only hope that she's happy, that she's fulfilled an that she is moving forward in all her beauty she definitely doesn't deserve the hardship she has faced but no one really does. I'm glad that she has friends an supports an that she is hopefully happy living her life. I am sad that I won't have her to save the turtles with, an I still have her on my benefits if I ever die. I did delete her so now Christina will be my legacy contact.  That was a hard decision but realistically I talk to Christina more than anyone an I love her as my friend.
Anywan im ranting an I'm sad.. that I'm alone an I guess.. I miss the person I used to be. I hate who I am today an no matter who tries to change me it just doesn't seem to happening...an no one should really try an change me. Why can't people accept who I am.  Well cause who I am is a terrible person. I've only caused people I care about pain. I treat peogle really badly an I do it like a reflex.
I'm also jealous of my friend who gets to enkoy the time with my girlfriend. But really she's lucky to have good people.  Please let me end it all today... I can't do it anymore. Lol joking but my heart is hurting

Love in all its motions

I'm completely and utterly confused and lost and scared.. For the first time in a while.. I guess I am where I am.. for whatever reason... very unexpected... and maybe I'm overthinking as I always do.. I know I've said I plan on dying, I plan on fulfilling all my goals before then.. and for the first time in a long time someone has made me question whether its something I really want to do?
What if.. the could have it all.. and for the first time I realized I have never actually thought about that.. I don't know what type of future I would want, and what I would want..
I can tell you for certain.. i loved living at NLGH. I can tell you that I loved chopping wood, making fires, cutting grass, doing laundry and hanging it out to dry... having only 10 min showers because our water ran off a well.. haha.. I loved that lifestyle, although I hated it at the time.. I think it taught me some important lessons..
so when thinking about it all now... I don't want that all.. but I'd say at least a fire place.. in a home.. and part of that home would let me have a study so that I can have my "Fortress of Solitude" as writing is my passion. an i like the idea of having something that's mine.. these conversations are difficult for me.. because no one has ever asked me that before.. but I love where I live right now in the sense I live away from the city, an I drive down to work.. gives me a chance to get to work and when I leave I literally leave the area.. and I'd like.. to hopefully if I had too have my own land I'd love to have a weeping willow tree to always remind me of NLGH.
The only reason I really wanted to hopefully die in ten years is because I am currently unhappy an I'm scared of what the future would hold in the sense.. of getting old.. I'm afraid of getting old, because there will come a time where someone will have to help me, or what if I can't walk? what if this that an the other...that scares me, because it would mean I'd have to rely on someone else.. or who knows
the funny question or thing I said was about marriage.. I don't like the idea of marriage only because I've never seen them last forever, its hard for me to imagine two individual people be able to change and grow together... its like asking an orchid to grow with a sunflower.. each will take it's own course, how do you make them mend together? Maybe I'm just crazy.. I honestly think deep down underneath all my blush* I do want to get married, I like the idea of having someone hopefully forever, but I'm also terrified of love, and I'm scared of failing the person I love. I know theres always forgiveness and all that.. but can you imagine.. just repeatedly in different ways failing the one you love?
I had made a promise to MSL that I wouldn't act a certain way and yet I did.. almost like a reflex and she forgive me yes, but I couldn't forgive myself for being such and idiot.. and that's what I don't like. I don't like causing pain, and heartache I know what it's like, and what it feels like.
On the other hand.. I know I can love.. someone forever. even with Robyn not being around, she couldn't call me up but if she ever spoke to me.. and needed me.. I'd still be there for her.. just as much as my ex.. I'm just that kind of person, so maybe that's what people see?
they don't hear the shi* i say because my actions prove otherwise..
I just want to love her.. lol she's been amazing and she's been with me...an she's willing to help me work through the insanity in my head, and IDK if I've ever been this honest with anyone so its interesting.. maybe I'm just crazy and maybe this is just too much right here and now?
i need to contemplate it, and decide how i feel after that? which is why I'm writing because I think it helps clear the thoughts in my head so I can look at the facts.
Soon MSL what's gonna happen!

We all make choices and we all have to live with those choices! you and I deserve happiness.. and maybe in someways we have found it.. but maybe we seek more then happiness? IDK. for now my love lets keep moving forward.

Plans for the weekend

Well..well..well.. I finally came to my weekend of hoping that everything would work out, but instead.. everything fell apart.. after weeks of making these plans and deciding on the time of when I'd leave... I found out I've been talking to the wrong people about everything.. I'm supposed to be in touch with a church, and I called them 9 times in one day and no one called me back.
So the plan was always I was going back to Fort Saint James to lay down my father's headstone.. I had planned for my friend to watch my building, I planned for my brothers to come with me. I really hoped this all would work out... I guess it's not meant to be this time around.. But I'll tell you it's been super difficult to plan shi* from far far away, and being completely unsure where my dad was, and not knowing there are actually two grave sites in FSJ. so sad.. so now I'll have to get ahold of this Father or Priest and ask him the process of what I need to do to place a headstone in my father's gravesite.
So instead of doing that.. I've got nothing.. I've got some things to consider now that I am not the same person I was four days ago.. lol.. I was out with my friend and it was super intense.. I guess I better be honest and say that I became crazy person.. I went out to the bar which was fun.. I got trashed, and thankfully didn't drive.. and I also couldn't make it home... I met someone well this was the second time I met her.. I must say how weird it was.. that I asked her to come out but she didn't and then our mutual friend told her to come out and she did.
You know when dealing with this situation.. I must say and be as honest as I can be.. I regret the person I am today.. From my last relationship that everyone hated.. I was told "forget her, forget all that shit" but reality is.. I gave a piece of me to that woman, I loved her, and I believed in her and her greatness as I think I do with all.
Anyway just as much as i loved her, I believed she cared about me.. but the problem was.. the cycle of abuse had been bestowed onto me from that relationship.. I feel like all that was once good in me is gone, and alls I can do now is self-destruct and try and destroy all relationships in my life.
I'm scared that I'm an abuser, I'm scared that I'm controlling, possessive, jealous and psycho. I'm scared that if I get involved with someone and these traits are there.. what if i bring those into the relationship, and if i do.. I'd do the same thing my ex did to me, and transfer these painful things onto someone else.
I was never a cheater..but I felt unwanted and someone else wanted me.. I was never a physical  abuser...and then I was hit several times, I was bitten, my life was threatened. According to the RCMP I was defending myself..but because of all those things I'm afraid to get close with anyone because i know I'm capable of those things.. I'm ashamed of what I've been through and what I say about my ex. because truthfully I loved her.. and I will always love her in the sense that she'll one day get through these things..but for me.. is it possible? to return to the amazing person i was 6 yrs ago?
Once upon a time.. I had a future, once upon a time I was happy.. I actually knew what it was like to feel, and how to love in my way, and not to be jealous not to be possessive.. I used to not care who my gf was on the phone with or talking too..and then this all happened and I need to know.. I've been in my home for three years, and live a specific way, I've become used too it.. and then someone comes into my house... and is amazing..
MSL was right in the sense that this girl can make me smile, she can make me feel appreciated and loved, and that there to die.. but I'm so dark these days.. alls I think about is wanting to end my life, and always look at the past and what was and not just in the sense of my ex, but remembering once upon a time I was happy.. and then things changed and I became who I am today.. and I don't know how to come out of that?
I Don't know maybe it's just time to accept who I am now and hope for change? I mean I know that I still feel love, I still desire.. and I still love MSL, and I still appreciate her.. and in the ways I show that is by gifts.. haha.. by spee could be hope... but I'm terrified.
there is a small part of me.. tiny and small that wants this.. to be able to not sleep alone, to know that she doesn't want mending time with her.. and i think I like that.. I like talking.. I like sharing and communicating and I think thats how I'd get through where I'm at.. because I don't want to be this person forever, and I think this is why it's so important for me to seek out help.. because I know it might be possible..
But I also know i'm now terrified. I loved Robyn, and i loved my ex.. I loved Jess.. I loved all these amazing women in my life, and they are all gone.. and I'm terrified of that.. I've given a piece of my heart to each of these women and now none of them are in my life.. and that's scary.. people keep saying you gotta let go, we are living in a world, that life is all about changes, letting go and moving forward.. that some people are only meant to be in your life for a specific time.. or purpose..
I couldn't handle the day MSL leaves my life. I value her in every piece of my soul,and I appreciate all that she has said and done for me. I love being someone she can talk too and rely on, and feels comfortable enough.. I don't want her to ever leave me life, and yet I also am afraid that will happen anyway...if everyone keeps telling me people come and go.. so I figure I'll try let her go, but I can't.. I need that human connection, that emotion bond, because in some ways its giving me hope that I can be someone other than who I've always been..
Or maybe I'm just crazy and will become someone who kills people. lol
maybe I'll be cold hearted forever and never anyone but this and maybe there's no point for anything else.. IDK
I'm still losing my mind.

Every Piece of me

i'm feeling like a failure.. and although the choices others make have nothing really to do with me, the fact that they are leaving me.means that something is wrong.. My boss and I have been trying to get things under control, but the problem is there isn't enough support, and the job is never ending..and leads to stress and stuff quickly, and also everything else we deal with on a day to day basis.. I guess it stressed people out.. It stresses me out.. but losing these people makes me feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot more then I can handle.. I'm trying my best to do everything but I'll say I'll probably end up leaving too because I don't feel supported.
IDK if anyone read that post I deleted.. I'm fighting with some dark pieces of me.. and I want to blame it on everyone but my own self..
It's a choice.. but at the same time.. for the first time in a long time... I just lost my purpose, my reason for continuing on moving forward.. For me to say that scares the shit outta myself because it means that a small piece of me no matter how small... that I'm wanting to give up..
Everyone says... letting go of the old and grabbing the new is important...but I'm still holding and hoping to hold onto the old.. The old was comfortable, reliable, predictable.. I knew what she wanted, she knew how to love me, and she also made me laugh, but she made me feel safe.. Maybe it's my own fault because I sorta gave up... which is true yes.. but every time I thought about going back, alls I could think of is the Shit words I said... and I can't forgive those words..
Grasping the new... is unpredictable.. and uncertain.. well its certain I won't be getting away from anyone, and that its very true that I'm trustworthy.. I definitely love unconditionally, I love without limits, an I treasure very deeply.. I can look into her eyes and search for her heart and soul in a second, and feel the warmth of that...search.. I'm happy.. an insane

I feel like the pieces of my heart are shattered... and as much as I try.. as much as i wear make up, change my clothes, clean my house, go for drinks.. nothing is going to fill the void thats enveloped my soul... She was the better person, she was the one who pushed me to do better, be better, and she believed in me even in my darkness.. she never judged or ridiculed my addictions... she loved me.. she told me that everyday. I miss that love.. and I miss her.. She made me feel like I could change the world.. I could make a difference.. I could fulfill my hearts desire..

I look at my arm... and i see all these scars forming.. all this pain I've caused myself, all the shame filled in my heart.. What have I done? why do I do these things? Pain is my enemy and my friend all in one.. I hate feeling pain, I hate being hurt, and in reaction to it.. I do these things that cause pain.. it makes me feel better.. that's pretty F up.. An even in all these moments of doing these things... I can't cover the one that meant the most..

I want to run away.. but of course that will solve nothing.. I want to cry.. but I hate crying.. I'm falling on my knees I'm bruised broken an bleeding.. I am happy on the outside, I'll do anything for anyone right now, just to avoid what I am feeling right now. I'm scared of my own reflection because when I look in the mirror.... I no longer recognize the person there, I only see the darkness, I only see the beast of burden, I only see the pain.. the agony..
I know I'll hopefully get out of this.. as I've done so many times before.. the difference is that... I'm too weak to do this alone.. everyday I'm searching for reasons to keep going.. People telling me why don't I think of my family, and all the pain I would cause them..
I Laugh Out Loud! I have caused more pain in my family then anyone! I am to blame for all the shitty things that happened! If I was smart and did what I was supposed too.. I am certain all the bad things happening wouldn't have happened. I have disconnected so much from my family, because its hard to see potential and see them fall so short of it all.. and fail over and over and for their mindset to believe they will always amount to nothing, or they can't change the world.. blah blah blah.. its hard to listen to they stuff, I have my own stuff.. If I take on their stuff.. I'll end up in the ground a lot faster.. I can't be around them... they are not my positive stuff.

I think I'm losing my mind... The more I'm avoiding the truth and what's going on.. the harder it is to write here.. because in some ways I'm being less then honest about what my plans are, and where I plan on ending up.. I'm still seeking help.. its a lot harder then I thought, to pick up the phone and call someone.. I don't even remember how I found her before.. and can only hope I find someone like her again.. maybe not as beautiful lmfao
I think I'm falling apart...fading away.. nothing but numb an void...person that walks without emotion, I don't care about anything or anyone.. I'm not connected to anyone.. maybe a couple but that's not the same of what I'm talking about... this is deeper then that.. deeper then my love for them.. this is beyond words that can be expressed or said.. .its a feeling no one will ever understand! I'm selfish and foolish and unsteady..

accepting my situation

I gotta talk about this because it's making me feel like I'm losing mind and I hate myself and sorta regret the choices I made..

So about lets say 3 or 4 weeks ago, like I've said previously.. I opened a door to something very dark, I opened the door to something that I'm addicted too, I hadn't had an issue in a long time.. but then this one thing (painful thing) happened and all my strengths, all my reasons not to do it went out the window and I started doing it.. And now... it's almost like I need to do it, for every emotion I happened to feel.. the sadness, the anger, the frustration etx.. everything I feel that's negative ends up causing me physical pain.. and Im struggling to close this door..and like I've said before as soon as I think I can get it under control, something happens and I take the easy way out.. and with this easy way I feel like it's just going to lead to the "beast of burden" the darkness that's stained on my soul and i can't escape it.. and for the first time in my life I don't have a lot of support.. which apparently is a lie... apparently because I let go of all the negative, and past people. I've apparently created room for new people in my life which I guess is true..but to entrust to them this dark piece of me.. IDK.. 

The only other good news is that I'm getting my awesome tattoo.. this is the tattoo that represents what I felt those weeks ago, the representation of my brokenness and what I felt.. I can't believe I'm going to do it, but honestly I feel like this was a significant thing that happened..and I feel like the only good that came out of it.. is that I realized it's time to let go of the past, to burn those bridges and not to try and get stuck trying to hold the bridge together, or to believe that I've got to repair it myself. it's time just to let go. 

Other then that.. I guess.. I'm going to Ft St James!!! with my BROTHERS!!!

I'm still infatuated with this girl...I can't get her outta my head! and I've seen her everyday for the last five days, and i've spoken to her everyday.. even if she's just my friend, sometimes momentarily in my head, or reality! moments happen and I just get this flutter of butterflies come over me.. and I'm just infatuated! I'm in love with this girl! I wish! I wish! but I can't but I love her... and i'm grateful for her being in my life... so i dont know why! but I guess i told her about all my tattoo ideas, and she's now decided to get a tattoo with me. this is going to be intense and insane! I cannot even begin to describe this sh* I absolutely don't understand... LOL! I've only known her for a short time, and I mean less then a year.. but maybe because of all the time we spend together, and all this open communication, maybe we know enough about each other.. she obviously loves me, if she's going to let me brand her with my awesome tattoo forever.. haha it's gonna be three stars but one of the three is a shooting star an it'll be behind our ear. I love it! I love her.. and I'm excited... So much to think about.. haha

I finally planned my trip to Ontario!.. actually no not planned but decided I'm going to Ontario for 2 weeks in October. I remember Fall was my favorite season and it'll be before winter.. I'll probably go to Belleville, Consecon, Oshawa, Toronto, and wherever else I can make it! she wants to go to New York I can't remember who put that in our heads, but told us to do that.. so I guess we can check that out! i' should probably get my passport just in case! haha

I guess things are overall looking good.. i am still trying to reach out for support because I don't want this cutting thing to get outta control, and i don't want my emotions to go insane. I know that I'm a bit up in the air with everything going on.. but I can only hope that things work out and that I survive in the times of trouble.. I am grateful for some of my friends who say they'll always answer their phone, I told them I called someone else and they didn't answer and that it made me feel worse and made it harder to get outta my state of mind.. so I guess I have some good solid friends.. but with the addictions stuff I think it's more important to find the proper resources for people who can actually help me through that! I just gotta keep moving forward! 

This girl right now is keeping me sane! and she's also continuing to keep my smiling, and she makes me happy... and she helps me get outta my head! I'm very lucky to have her, and I wish.. she could see her through my eyes! I love her! 

Plan B

What up peeps... I can't sleep.. too busy helping everyone as always lmfao.
i'm having a hard time with some things an I guess I need to walk through them for a moment.. so I know I've spoken about  my sexy lady for months, I know that I've seen her through some dark times, and I've also made her laugh, hate, an love all in one.. haha.I guess I'm just still contemplating this relationship.. and only allowing myself to base it on friendship and not love an whatever else. not that there isn't love in friendship. but the love I speak of is the complete and utter devotion to this one amazing woman, to be able to cuddle, to be able hold her hand, as she softly brushes against mine while we walk down the street, or hug her, and kiss her beautiful lips. and to look into her beautiful blue eyes and see her soul, to know that she does have a heart, and its filled with love for me.. even though she does the same BS that my ex did.. stating she doesn't have a heart, like all others we build walls around our hearts, being scarred, being hurt, being abused.. so i understand that full well..
Just yesterday.
Should I really say it..

Just yesterday I was driving to work... thinking about the entire future I had originally planned out, but now things are so up in the air, like I'm passing through an endless fog, I don't know about my future, and this is why I hate planning. anyway. so for the first time I really seen this future of mine vanish, in thin air, everything I had planned or though could be my future is ended... It's not happening.. it's over! So I thought about this on my way to work.. and then I texted my sexy lady, we chatted and then she showed up.. at work.. and I wish i could say she showed up to see me she partially came to see me..but really to see someone else.. and that really bothered me..because I was now the excuse why she walked into my building, oh an lets not forget they both were fuckin assholes to me, and threw something at me.. which pissed me off.. cause that wasn't fun.
So anyway I went with her to get coffee, I told her what to buy for the people at work. an we walked back.. and that was the end of me seeing her, as she spent the next 30 mins with those people instead of me. so I ignored her..and everyone.. and so then! in all my emotion.. I got completely crazy.. thinking of these things, moments, times, everything... and realizing I couldn't handle it anymore.. an i did some not so great things.. oh lets not forget I broke down crying because I was emotional wreck! anyway. my sexy lady tried to talk to me, called me, texted, sent messages... and i avoided her for two hours.. every time I lifted my phone to explain this embarrassing act I couldn't do it.. so then I did something crazy..and walked over to her work, and without seeing her I dropped something off.. and left. she then said she'd return what I got her.. an we had a huge argument..
I finally admitted.. what I was feeling.. that I required all her attention, and that when she decides I don't deserve it to give me a heads up so I can leave work and not have to bare witness to the bs that is going on in the next office. lmfao.
then.. I cried.. for the 100th time, and I told her i didn't wanna see her.. at all! and then I said I lied. lmfao. she showed up again.. of course me being all slick! wearing sun glasses, and hat. I went to the liquor store.. and bought beer for my friend and i.. as she was making me dinner. MSL walked me to the store and then to my friends.
anyway. we parted ways/... with the assumption she was going out that night, and i said I might go. but my friend wanted to go somewhere else. so we went somewhere else, I convinced her to come with us.. or told her..or gave her no option lmfao. idk.
it was an ok night... not my best moments, I realized I wasn't driving,and the parkade was closed at 10 and I was no where near it. so I thought what a great opportunity to go to my "fortress of solitude' and Idk let go of the past... in a formal way.. but I didn't tell MSL that I was doing this.. instead I did the gentlemen (normal thing) and walked her to her car.. and I was about to walk away, and we got into an argument because she didn't just wanna leave me.. but I needed her too.
i have no idea.. what i'm talking about anymore. lmfao. oh
about love and friendship. and that friendship is where we need to be..but me coping with that is a lot harder then it looks. no one will treat her the way I do, and no one is worthy of being in her life besides me. I wish I was a man! lol but she wouldn't be attracted to me that way because I'd be too insane for her. lmfao
But I know she admires me.. I know she appreciates what I do for her. i do a bit more then I should, but if Robyn was around she'd know this is me..and all that I normally do..
But to have this woman in my life.. there is nothing more incredible.. I talked to my friend D and she said its rare...to find someone to be vulnerable with, and yet that person makes you laugh, and for me laughing or having actual vulnerability is rare.. and scary all in one..

my main issue is I compare...what was and what is.. and also that I love this woman with every inch of my heart and soul, and that I would do anything, be anything, saying anything to make her happy. because that is my life's fulfillment right now.. to affirm, and re-affirm her in all her beauty, her amazing smile, her beautiful life.. IDK.. I think she like these traits about me, she probably hasn't seen a lot of this craziness. I know she thinks I'm insane, and i probably am! but I'm insanely in love with her... and that has to stop but it's not something that can just stop on its own,and she doesn't make it easier.. we see each other every day, talking every second...and who knows what else.. but it's hard to lose what I feel.. but at the same time.. I can't deal with the idea of her being gone, or distancing herself from me so that i could work through my feelings. I've already told her that I can do this without losing her..not that I've ever felt this way, or tried stop feeling what I feel. but that I' also would NEVER do anything to jeopardize what I have with her! She trusts me, and I trust her.. she does as i say, and sometimes I'll do the same... but we enjoy each other company, and apparently have things in common what ever the fuck that means.. lmfao.
i'm losing my mind and i know that.. believe me I'm seeking out help.and asking people to help me find the help I need to not lose my mind..never know next thing I could end up like Joker haha

shattered

In all honesty I have no idea what I've been through in the last twenty-four hours... I have definitely screwed everything up with everyone in my life.. and in complete despair.. I did something extremely dangerous, and insane.
I wish I could say there are voices in my head that made me think and or do what I did.. but there aren't.. I think I'm just an emotional person who is struggling to survive... For the first time I'm not anchored to anyone, or anything... for some reason I thought... I could just let go.. I could just forget everything and everyone and just let it go.. I've not felt like this in a really long time.. So for me to be real and serious about it all.. I could barely.. tell you the absolute truth..
I think I finally figured out the woman I've been in love with for months.. that I can't love her.. I can love her as my friend, but other then that.. I can't keep that up... because when I realize what her and I have been through... there's nothing I can see as us being together.
In finding out this insight.. I definitely lost my mind on top of everything else that's been going on! I can't even begin to express the complete heartache of losing my friend.. It's definitely true that I've lost her..
Maybe I'm completely lying.. maybe I'm just completely Fu**ed up and need a reason to find a way out. I'm not sure.
I can tell you.. I have not felt that kind of brokenness that I felt yesterday.. and thankfully my cousin for some reason came to help me out.. and basically saved the day because I often forget what I'm doing, why I'm doing it an need to be reminded of everything.
I can tell you that I feel heartbroken. I feel like theres nothing in the world worth loving, that maybe I'm completely insane and that there isn't an insanity person in the world who can feel what I feel and understand that. lol
So when I spoke to my cousin about everything that I've been going through and how i've felt.. I'll tell you he was disappointed... The control I have over her, and the control she has over me... is intense and even though we're just friends.. it definitely wasn't supposed to end up this way! and I tried I tried!! what I've ALWAYS done with everyone in my life! I tried to walk away, I tried to push her away, I tried to be a psycho, insane person, I stopped talking to her... and yet our hearts and souls are entwined I can't do it.. like an addiction, she's become my current obsession.. alls I want to do is make her happy, alls I want is to save her from herself, or save her from this fuc*** up mess that she believes so much that she knows what she deserves..
I guess.. we all have to learn in our own way. I remember the days that I was all messed up with drinking an women, I had Robyn there for me.. she never judged me, or made me feel bad for her coming to see me in the hospital.. alls she did was love me, be there for me.. and in that love I decided to make changes in my life. I wish i could change more now... but I'm addicted.. addicted to suffering in my own pain, and becoming a pathological liar.
You know what the hardest part for me was... is her telling me that I wasn't in love with her, that it's impossible.. she believed it was only infatuation... haha! I could love her! I could love her for the rest of my life, and you know the best part is that I would never jeopardize having her in my life by doing something stupid! I even told her that! I thought she'd stop talking to me, I thought she'd run and when I thought that I went MAD! I went crazy and got scared.. and she wouldn't leave.. haha.. she won't go away... she stays in my life.. and i think it's because I love her, an because I do so much for her, and appreciate her and adore her! I would rather spend the rest of my life... loving her and appreciating her then spend another minute without her! I'd rather be her friend and find ways to make her happy then lose her, and lose that piece of me.
SO.... in all this insanity! I've decided to make a video.. now this video is supposed to be devotion of love and heartbreak.. originally was supposed to be my confession of love to her! haha! but I've changed it to love and heartbreak... it's not a movie, it'll be a mash up of several experiences in movies where it expresses how I've felt! and am currently feeling! I love my creativity mind.. I wish I could ask Marie to help me... she's the best at Mash up documentaries.. but if I don't speak to her or contact with them for two years, maybe she'll come into my life! Marie is the only woman I'd marry! she's the only woman I would do that whole marriage stuff with, but I've never said that about anyone in my life.. and I can only hope! she is doing well!
I have a lot of incredible women in my life! and I'm grateful for every one of them!

MUCH LOVE
I'm alive and I'm moving forward!

disconnected

Well there goes my day! haha! I tried to do the whole deleting my entire accounts, that would be Facebook, Instagram, twitter, an snapchat... these are all my addictions. lol. I was trying to force my love to admit somethings but she wouldn't do it.. actually she did.. but she got mad at me first for not messaging her back via text.
I can't even begin to explain the situation.. I can't even tell how amazing it feels to be in love, to be crazy about someone, but to also still be crazy enough to make sure they are happy. I have gone above and beyond! I absolutely have been consumed by love, by admiration, by appreciation for her.. all that she has done for me, she has been able to pull me out of some insanity.
I had a S day at work.. I had a hard time.. and I've always had a hard time because I don't feel the support I need to keep going, and she just swoops in and makes it a bit worse and then better? On top of that... I had my friend call today... I almost predicted she'd call today.. and I was right she is coming this weekend.. that should be fun and interesting... lets hope that I can be a good support for her, although I can't even be that for myself.. so IDK
I just can't get over...the feeling.. that it's alright to feel what I feel..and to acknowledge it..in her presence..to be able to look into her beautiful blue eyes and tell her, over and over... to reach over and grab her hand.. be all weird like the movies, and put her hand on my heart... while gazing into her eyes. haha! talk about insanity!
I feel like I've done all I can! I seriously have thrown every curve ball, every darkness, and every whatever the F else I normally would do! and she won't go anywhere.. oh wait she'll ask what she should do, and she won't do what I tell her..when I say to break free and run the opposite direction. I see her running towards me.. and I've never been happier then that!
I still feel the sting.. and see the scar forming about what happened two weeks ago now.. but I'll tell you this.. that my next tattoo! will be a representation of that chapter of my life.. and hopefully I'll be able to find strength from it...as I'm sure she will as well.. I'll say this much! there is no greater love then that! nothing more powerful, and amazing! I know that maybe that time and chapter has come and gone and it's time to move on! or at least thats what I tell myself each day.. haha to try and avoid the reality that I'm all broken and shattered! which will also be the representation of this tattoo!
I'm excited about the tattoo! you have no idea! I had so many ideas of great things and now for the first time this will be a darkness, a pain or something.. maybe the tattoo artist will change it into something better.. idk.. but maybe she'll talk me out of where it's going... IDK!
I'm happy... most of the time! most of the time while she's speaking to me! while she's in my life. I'm happy and when she's not. i feel what I feel, and can feel it in her voice, in her soft blue eyes. I know everything will be ok! because she's with me! and I won't be able to get rid of her! although.. my friend this weekend might get a bit weird.. lets hope not! haha! or maybe my love will get weird. the worst thing I'd say about myself is that I have and will always be there for those in my life, those I care for no matter where I'm at! haha

Much love!