Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Every Piece of me

i'm feeling like a failure.. and although the choices others make have nothing really to do with me, the fact that they are leaving me.means that something is wrong.. My boss and I have been trying to get things under control, but the problem is there isn't enough support, and the job is never ending..and leads to stress and stuff quickly, and also everything else we deal with on a day to day basis.. I guess it stressed people out.. It stresses me out.. but losing these people makes me feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot more then I can handle.. I'm trying my best to do everything but I'll say I'll probably end up leaving too because I don't feel supported.
IDK if anyone read that post I deleted.. I'm fighting with some dark pieces of me.. and I want to blame it on everyone but my own self..
It's a choice.. but at the same time.. for the first time in a long time... I just lost my purpose, my reason for continuing on moving forward.. For me to say that scares the shit outta myself because it means that a small piece of me no matter how small... that I'm wanting to give up..
Everyone says... letting go of the old and grabbing the new is important...but I'm still holding and hoping to hold onto the old.. The old was comfortable, reliable, predictable.. I knew what she wanted, she knew how to love me, and she also made me laugh, but she made me feel safe.. Maybe it's my own fault because I sorta gave up... which is true yes.. but every time I thought about going back, alls I could think of is the Shit words I said... and I can't forgive those words..
Grasping the new... is unpredictable.. and uncertain.. well its certain I won't be getting away from anyone, and that its very true that I'm trustworthy.. I definitely love unconditionally, I love without limits, an I treasure very deeply.. I can look into her eyes and search for her heart and soul in a second, and feel the warmth of that...search.. I'm happy.. an insane

I feel like the pieces of my heart are shattered... and as much as I try.. as much as i wear make up, change my clothes, clean my house, go for drinks.. nothing is going to fill the void thats enveloped my soul... She was the better person, she was the one who pushed me to do better, be better, and she believed in me even in my darkness.. she never judged or ridiculed my addictions... she loved me.. she told me that everyday. I miss that love.. and I miss her.. She made me feel like I could change the world.. I could make a difference.. I could fulfill my hearts desire..

I look at my arm... and i see all these scars forming.. all this pain I've caused myself, all the shame filled in my heart.. What have I done? why do I do these things? Pain is my enemy and my friend all in one.. I hate feeling pain, I hate being hurt, and in reaction to it.. I do these things that cause pain.. it makes me feel better.. that's pretty F up.. An even in all these moments of doing these things... I can't cover the one that meant the most..

I want to run away.. but of course that will solve nothing.. I want to cry.. but I hate crying.. I'm falling on my knees I'm bruised broken an bleeding.. I am happy on the outside, I'll do anything for anyone right now, just to avoid what I am feeling right now. I'm scared of my own reflection because when I look in the mirror.... I no longer recognize the person there, I only see the darkness, I only see the beast of burden, I only see the pain.. the agony..
I know I'll hopefully get out of this.. as I've done so many times before.. the difference is that... I'm too weak to do this alone.. everyday I'm searching for reasons to keep going.. People telling me why don't I think of my family, and all the pain I would cause them..
I Laugh Out Loud! I have caused more pain in my family then anyone! I am to blame for all the shitty things that happened! If I was smart and did what I was supposed too.. I am certain all the bad things happening wouldn't have happened. I have disconnected so much from my family, because its hard to see potential and see them fall so short of it all.. and fail over and over and for their mindset to believe they will always amount to nothing, or they can't change the world.. blah blah blah.. its hard to listen to they stuff, I have my own stuff.. If I take on their stuff.. I'll end up in the ground a lot faster.. I can't be around them... they are not my positive stuff.

I think I'm losing my mind... The more I'm avoiding the truth and what's going on.. the harder it is to write here.. because in some ways I'm being less then honest about what my plans are, and where I plan on ending up.. I'm still seeking help.. its a lot harder then I thought, to pick up the phone and call someone.. I don't even remember how I found her before.. and can only hope I find someone like her again.. maybe not as beautiful lmfao
I think I'm falling apart...fading away.. nothing but numb an void...person that walks without emotion, I don't care about anything or anyone.. I'm not connected to anyone.. maybe a couple but that's not the same of what I'm talking about... this is deeper then that.. deeper then my love for them.. this is beyond words that can be expressed or said.. .its a feeling no one will ever understand! I'm selfish and foolish and unsteady..

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