Sunday, August 28, 2016

Plans for the weekend

Well..well..well.. I finally came to my weekend of hoping that everything would work out, but instead.. everything fell apart.. after weeks of making these plans and deciding on the time of when I'd leave... I found out I've been talking to the wrong people about everything.. I'm supposed to be in touch with a church, and I called them 9 times in one day and no one called me back.
So the plan was always I was going back to Fort Saint James to lay down my father's headstone.. I had planned for my friend to watch my building, I planned for my brothers to come with me. I really hoped this all would work out... I guess it's not meant to be this time around.. But I'll tell you it's been super difficult to plan shi* from far far away, and being completely unsure where my dad was, and not knowing there are actually two grave sites in FSJ. so sad.. so now I'll have to get ahold of this Father or Priest and ask him the process of what I need to do to place a headstone in my father's gravesite.
So instead of doing that.. I've got nothing.. I've got some things to consider now that I am not the same person I was four days ago.. lol.. I was out with my friend and it was super intense.. I guess I better be honest and say that I became crazy person.. I went out to the bar which was fun.. I got trashed, and thankfully didn't drive.. and I also couldn't make it home... I met someone well this was the second time I met her.. I must say how weird it was.. that I asked her to come out but she didn't and then our mutual friend told her to come out and she did.
You know when dealing with this situation.. I must say and be as honest as I can be.. I regret the person I am today.. From my last relationship that everyone hated.. I was told "forget her, forget all that shit" but reality is.. I gave a piece of me to that woman, I loved her, and I believed in her and her greatness as I think I do with all.
Anyway just as much as i loved her, I believed she cared about me.. but the problem was.. the cycle of abuse had been bestowed onto me from that relationship.. I feel like all that was once good in me is gone, and alls I can do now is self-destruct and try and destroy all relationships in my life.
I'm scared that I'm an abuser, I'm scared that I'm controlling, possessive, jealous and psycho. I'm scared that if I get involved with someone and these traits are there.. what if i bring those into the relationship, and if i do.. I'd do the same thing my ex did to me, and transfer these painful things onto someone else.
I was never a cheater..but I felt unwanted and someone else wanted me.. I was never a physical  abuser...and then I was hit several times, I was bitten, my life was threatened. According to the RCMP I was defending myself..but because of all those things I'm afraid to get close with anyone because i know I'm capable of those things.. I'm ashamed of what I've been through and what I say about my ex. because truthfully I loved her.. and I will always love her in the sense that she'll one day get through these things..but for me.. is it possible? to return to the amazing person i was 6 yrs ago?
Once upon a time.. I had a future, once upon a time I was happy.. I actually knew what it was like to feel, and how to love in my way, and not to be jealous not to be possessive.. I used to not care who my gf was on the phone with or talking too..and then this all happened and I need to know.. I've been in my home for three years, and live a specific way, I've become used too it.. and then someone comes into my house... and is amazing..
MSL was right in the sense that this girl can make me smile, she can make me feel appreciated and loved, and that there to die.. but I'm so dark these days.. alls I think about is wanting to end my life, and always look at the past and what was and not just in the sense of my ex, but remembering once upon a time I was happy.. and then things changed and I became who I am today.. and I don't know how to come out of that?
I Don't know maybe it's just time to accept who I am now and hope for change? I mean I know that I still feel love, I still desire.. and I still love MSL, and I still appreciate her.. and in the ways I show that is by gifts.. haha.. by spee could be hope... but I'm terrified.
there is a small part of me.. tiny and small that wants this.. to be able to not sleep alone, to know that she doesn't want mending time with her.. and i think I like that.. I like talking.. I like sharing and communicating and I think thats how I'd get through where I'm at.. because I don't want to be this person forever, and I think this is why it's so important for me to seek out help.. because I know it might be possible..
But I also know i'm now terrified. I loved Robyn, and i loved my ex.. I loved Jess.. I loved all these amazing women in my life, and they are all gone.. and I'm terrified of that.. I've given a piece of my heart to each of these women and now none of them are in my life.. and that's scary.. people keep saying you gotta let go, we are living in a world, that life is all about changes, letting go and moving forward.. that some people are only meant to be in your life for a specific time.. or purpose..
I couldn't handle the day MSL leaves my life. I value her in every piece of my soul,and I appreciate all that she has said and done for me. I love being someone she can talk too and rely on, and feels comfortable enough.. I don't want her to ever leave me life, and yet I also am afraid that will happen anyway...if everyone keeps telling me people come and go.. so I figure I'll try let her go, but I can't.. I need that human connection, that emotion bond, because in some ways its giving me hope that I can be someone other than who I've always been..
Or maybe I'm just crazy and will become someone who kills people. lol
maybe I'll be cold hearted forever and never anyone but this and maybe there's no point for anything else.. IDK
I'm still losing my mind.

No comments: