Friday, August 19, 2016

accepting my situation

I gotta talk about this because it's making me feel like I'm losing mind and I hate myself and sorta regret the choices I made..
So about lets say 3 or 4 weeks ago, like I've said previously.. I opened a door to something very dark, I opened the door to something that I'm addicted too, I hadn't had an issue in a long time.. but then this one thing (painful thing) happened and all my strengths, all my reasons not to do it went out the window and I started doing it.. And now... it's almost like I need to do it, for every emotion I happened to feel.. the sadness, the anger, the frustration etx.. everything I feel that's negative ends up causing me physical pain.. and Im struggling to close this door..and like I've said before as soon as I think I can get it under control, something happens and I take the easy way out.. and with this easy way I feel like it's just going to lead to the "beast of burden" the darkness that's stained on my soul and i can't escape it.. and for the first time in my life I don't have a lot of support.. which apparently is a lie... apparently because I let go of all the negative, and past people. I've apparently created room for new people in my life which I guess is true..but to entrust to them this dark piece of me.. IDK.. 
The only other good news is that I'm getting my awesome tattoo.. this is the tattoo that represents what I felt those weeks ago, the representation of my brokenness and what I felt.. I can't believe I'm going to do it, but honestly I feel like this was a significant thing that happened..and I feel like the only good that came out of it.. is that I realized it's time to let go of the past, to burn those bridges and not to try and get stuck trying to hold the bridge together, or to believe that I've got to repair it myself. it's time just to let go. 

Other then that.. I guess.. I'm going to Ft St James!!! with my BROTHERS!!!

I'm still infatuated with this girl...I can't get her outta my head! and I've seen her everyday for the last five days, and i've spoken to her everyday.. even if she's just my friend, sometimes momentarily in my head, or reality! moments happen and I just get this flutter of butterflies come over me.. and I'm just infatuated! I'm in love with this girl! I wish! I wish! but I can't but I love her... and i'm grateful for her being in my life... so i dont know why! but I guess i told her about all my tattoo ideas, and she's now decided to get a tattoo with me. this is going to be intense and insane! I cannot even begin to describe this sh* I absolutely don't understand... LOL! I've only known her for a short time, and I mean less then a year.. but maybe because of all the time we spend together, and all this open communication, maybe we know enough about each other.. she obviously loves me, if she's going to let me brand her with my awesome tattoo forever.. haha it's gonna be three stars but one of the three is a shooting star an it'll be behind our ear. I love it! I love her.. and I'm excited... So much to think about.. haha

I finally planned my trip to Ontario!.. actually no not planned but decided I'm going to Ontario for 2 weeks in October. I remember Fall was my favorite season and it'll be before winter.. I'll probably go to Belleville, Consecon, Oshawa, Toronto, and wherever else I can make it! she wants to go to New York I can't remember who put that in our heads, but told us to do that.. so I guess we can check that out! i' should probably get my passport just in case! haha

I guess things are overall looking good.. i am still trying to reach out for support because I don't want this cutting thing to get outta control, and i don't want my emotions to go insane. I know that I'm a bit up in the air with everything going on.. but I can only hope that things work out and that I survive in the times of trouble.. I am grateful for some of my friends who say they'll always answer their phone, I told them I called someone else and they didn't answer and that it made me feel worse and made it harder to get outta my state of mind.. so I guess I have some good solid friends.. but with the addictions stuff I think it's more important to find the proper resources for people who can actually help me through that! I just gotta keep moving forward! 

This girl right now is keeping me sane! and she's also continuing to keep my smiling, and she makes me happy... and she helps me get outta my head! I'm very lucky to have her, and I wish.. she could see her through my eyes! I love her! 

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