Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Is it possible to move on from everything and not feel what i feel?! today was a really beyond difficult day for me.. I'm trying really hard to keep this facade that I don't care, that I don't care that I lost this crazy girl I adored... If I didn't feel what I felt for her, I wouldn't have let her be in my life, a part of my life.. and my mind keeps trying to tell me that maybe with time, maybe with patience or something maybe it could work.. But that's crazy talk... you know my ex said something to me recently about how crazy attracts crazy... could be true, everyone tells me often that I'm crazy, insane, psycho... but really if I am! then so is my ex.. if I attract those kinds of people.. then yay, at least I'll never be bored, and I'll be kept on my toes...
but this girl.. was so different.. so amazing.. apart from her craziness (which I loved) when I spoke of her to my friend last night.. I used terms words phrases, moments, passionate moments I've had with her.. and it seriously brought tears to my friends eyes, because it's beautiful, that's a beautiful thing to even imagine a future, imagine a life worth living. I needed that.. and although this girl might not be that for me, it's like rising from the dead, rising from the ashes. finding a beautiful light, even just a flicker, brings warmth to my heart and soul.
I hate that I've lost that.. I hate that I am the reason that is gone..and the only reason that happened is because she hit a nerve..with me..and my problems... I don't mind people throwing Sh*t in my face but there's one piece, one very serious piece of my life that no one will ever be able to get through with me.. and the one woman that did get through, is the only woman who has ever carried something I gave to her.
Anyway... I guess for me that was hurtful and the only reason it was hurtful is because its true, and I hate that I share these pieces of my life with her, and then it gets thrown in my face and I have to feel shitty about being vulnerable with her in some way, and I'm also upset that society has this idea of why people self-harm, or why people think of suicide. I always hope that the suicide awareness would make people more understanding of why people make those choices, but also at least talk about self-harm.. IDK...
I wish I could explain it.. I wish I could tell you just as easily as someone can express what it's like to shoot drugs in your arm, or how or why it's so easy to fall into alcoholism.. etx.. but thats not what this is, and I don't do it because I want attention... If you asked any of my friends... they'd say "yes she used to do those things, but I don't she's doing it now"
I don't tell the people closest to me about my issues, I try to avoid them with them.. we want to talk about rainbows and unicorns and superficial things.. not about serious topics about some issues I'm dealing with, actually not dealing with.. today I had a conversation with lets say a friend of mine, who mentioned some alternative coping mechanisms because of course everyone has the right answer in how to save me from my own self-destruction.. I wish it was that easy.. it's not feeling that easy, I have tried many things.. I had help.. I lost that help because I lost my mind with losing the people that mattered to me the most!
Anyway! I feel entwined in the lives of many! it's hard to be cold and mean when I know I need them! I need her! I need to feel loved because right now I know I'm not worthy of it! and I also know that I can't... cause that's selfish too! its' time to I wish I could say crawl in a sewer and fade away but that's not what I can do... but I need to get outta this! and the only way for me.. is insanely crazy!
I'm grateful for the close friends that know the situation and absolutely have been there for me.. but those friends aren't with me all the time, they can't save me from the nights, the nights in bed, the nights  I'm alone...once again.  I can't help but think "I Miss You" and lame as fuc* like Rose calling for the boats "come back, come back" lol I utter the same words under my breath but reality and fantasy are two different things..and i know what's best.. an even if it's not what's best! I'm like my father, stubborn as fuc* and I'll never let anyone tell me what to do!
The worst part is that I should've known better! I should've known that I'd hurt her, and that she'd hurt me. and that things were insanely crazy! and that I should've stepped back, I should've I have no idea not let her gain this type of access to my heart an soul which is why it is so hard to stay away
Im losing my mind.. and IDK what to do.. and I don't know if I want to keep trying this insanity!

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