Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Plan B

What up peeps... I can't sleep.. too busy helping everyone as always lmfao.
i'm having a hard time with some things an I guess I need to walk through them for a moment.. so I know I've spoken about  my sexy lady for months, I know that I've seen her through some dark times, and I've also made her laugh, hate, an love all in one.. haha.I guess I'm just still contemplating this relationship.. and only allowing myself to base it on friendship and not love an whatever else. not that there isn't love in friendship. but the love I speak of is the complete and utter devotion to this one amazing woman, to be able to cuddle, to be able hold her hand, as she softly brushes against mine while we walk down the street, or hug her, and kiss her beautiful lips. and to look into her beautiful blue eyes and see her soul, to know that she does have a heart, and its filled with love for me.. even though she does the same BS that my ex did.. stating she doesn't have a heart, like all others we build walls around our hearts, being scarred, being hurt, being abused.. so i understand that full well..
Just yesterday.
Should I really say it..

Just yesterday I was driving to work... thinking about the entire future I had originally planned out, but now things are so up in the air, like I'm passing through an endless fog, I don't know about my future, and this is why I hate planning. anyway. so for the first time I really seen this future of mine vanish, in thin air, everything I had planned or though could be my future is ended... It's not happening.. it's over! So I thought about this on my way to work.. and then I texted my sexy lady, we chatted and then she showed up.. at work.. and I wish i could say she showed up to see me she partially came to see me..but really to see someone else.. and that really bothered me..because I was now the excuse why she walked into my building, oh an lets not forget they both were fuckin assholes to me, and threw something at me.. which pissed me off.. cause that wasn't fun.
So anyway I went with her to get coffee, I told her what to buy for the people at work. an we walked back.. and that was the end of me seeing her, as she spent the next 30 mins with those people instead of me. so I ignored her..and everyone.. and so then! in all my emotion.. I got completely crazy.. thinking of these things, moments, times, everything... and realizing I couldn't handle it anymore.. an i did some not so great things.. oh lets not forget I broke down crying because I was emotional wreck! anyway. my sexy lady tried to talk to me, called me, texted, sent messages... and i avoided her for two hours.. every time I lifted my phone to explain this embarrassing act I couldn't do it.. so then I did something crazy..and walked over to her work, and without seeing her I dropped something off.. and left. she then said she'd return what I got her.. an we had a huge argument..
I finally admitted.. what I was feeling.. that I required all her attention, and that when she decides I don't deserve it to give me a heads up so I can leave work and not have to bare witness to the bs that is going on in the next office. lmfao.
then.. I cried.. for the 100th time, and I told her i didn't wanna see her.. at all! and then I said I lied. lmfao. she showed up again.. of course me being all slick! wearing sun glasses, and hat. I went to the liquor store.. and bought beer for my friend and i.. as she was making me dinner. MSL walked me to the store and then to my friends.
anyway. we parted ways/... with the assumption she was going out that night, and i said I might go. but my friend wanted to go somewhere else. so we went somewhere else, I convinced her to come with us.. or told her..or gave her no option lmfao. idk.
it was an ok night... not my best moments, I realized I wasn't driving,and the parkade was closed at 10 and I was no where near it. so I thought what a great opportunity to go to my "fortress of solitude' and Idk let go of the past... in a formal way.. but I didn't tell MSL that I was doing this.. instead I did the gentlemen (normal thing) and walked her to her car.. and I was about to walk away, and we got into an argument because she didn't just wanna leave me.. but I needed her too.
i have no idea.. what i'm talking about anymore. lmfao. oh
about love and friendship. and that friendship is where we need to be..but me coping with that is a lot harder then it looks. no one will treat her the way I do, and no one is worthy of being in her life besides me. I wish I was a man! lol but she wouldn't be attracted to me that way because I'd be too insane for her. lmfao
But I know she admires me.. I know she appreciates what I do for her. i do a bit more then I should, but if Robyn was around she'd know this is me..and all that I normally do..
But to have this woman in my life.. there is nothing more incredible.. I talked to my friend D and she said its find someone to be vulnerable with, and yet that person makes you laugh, and for me laughing or having actual vulnerability is rare.. and scary all in one..

my main issue is I compare...what was and what is.. and also that I love this woman with every inch of my heart and soul, and that I would do anything, be anything, saying anything to make her happy. because that is my life's fulfillment right now.. to affirm, and re-affirm her in all her beauty, her amazing smile, her beautiful life.. IDK.. I think she like these traits about me, she probably hasn't seen a lot of this craziness. I know she thinks I'm insane, and i probably am! but I'm insanely in love with her... and that has to stop but it's not something that can just stop on its own,and she doesn't make it easier.. we see each other every day, talking every second...and who knows what else.. but it's hard to lose what I feel.. but at the same time.. I can't deal with the idea of her being gone, or distancing herself from me so that i could work through my feelings. I've already told her that I can do this without losing her..not that I've ever felt this way, or tried stop feeling what I feel. but that I' also would NEVER do anything to jeopardize what I have with her! She trusts me, and I trust her.. she does as i say, and sometimes I'll do the same... but we enjoy each other company, and apparently have things in common what ever the fuck that means.. lmfao.
i'm losing my mind and i know that.. believe me I'm seeking out help.and asking people to help me find the help I need to not lose my mind..never know next thing I could end up like Joker haha

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