I'm not sure what I'm thinking or why I even have allowed myself to be on this insane roller coaster, why is it that I'm so attracted to her now? probably because she actually finally doesn't want me, and I guess maybe I'm attracted to that? but the other part of it would be some of my friends have asked me why I'm attracted or why I care so much. As I spoke the words I realized who I was losing, and how Fuc*** up that is! and how I shouldn't let my bulshit stubbornness, or my insecurity get in the way of knowing someone amazing?
It's too late! I pushed her too far, or she pushed me too far. the fact that I had to go to the extreme that I did, to me is nothing as I did it often with my ex...and this was the other thing I've been in some not so great relationships so when I ask something pretty specific I expect it to happen.. lets also not forget the garbage she said to me.. the words she said! the things she said intentionally to hurt me, she was hurt and she lashed out pretty extremely.
these are the things I must remember! I don't know why it hurts so much, I guess just because she's closed minded about what I've lived through, and what I've survived and the relationships I've endured. she constantly accused me of cheating even though I said that's not really who I am, and thats not really what I would do.
She came back into my life lets say yesterday? she messaged me..and we've been talking since then, and honestly it's easier to talk to her when we aren't always together.. I actually can come up with things to talk about, I don't feel so strangled.. If I had to express what it's like.. I'll use my favourite analogy. Watching a snake grasp it's prey, and slowly and I mean slowly squeeze the life out of it, and the more the prey breathes the more the snake tightens it's grip..and soon the prey is dead, and next will be the swallowing the prey whole.
I felt like that... questioning everything I was doing, who I was, and what my plans were... I used to be all about plans and stuff..but now! someone can text me and say lets go for dinner tonight, or lets go grab a coffee or lets go for lunch..these are most things that I like.
Anyway... I felt like the life was being squeezed out of me.. and i felt like I was losing my friends because they (one) was specifically worried about getting in the way, and that was hard for me.. no matter the circumstances.. I shouldn't allow anyone to get in the way of my friendships, if anything this partner of mine should try and get to know my friends. you want to know the kind of person I am, meet my friends, you want to know how I am comfortable and vulnerable meet my friends. but trying to prevent me from them..only puts a darkness and emptiness in my heart because I guess even though I don't always hang with my friends.. I usually talk to people on a daily basis.
I'm grateful for the women in my life.
Anyway.. so instead of reminding myself of all the beautiful things that she brought into my life, I have to remember all the bad things that she also carried, and all the baggage she brought to me.. as she has had some pretty messed up relationships and she has a lot of emotion that goes with that all. there's no simple way no easy road.. but I have to remind myself that I can't just try and try and continue to fail, that I actually need to step back and recognize that there's more to the world than this, and that although I may have strong emotions, I may admire and or adore her in some sense.. I have to start reminding myself why things are the way they are...
As much as I want to say i know her.. I don't feel like I know her at all and maybe that's super important because if I was that scared when it all went down, thats either something in her or something in me.. and that I need to look at carefully because I know those are things that I need to work through with or without her.
It's also going to be ok now.. if she completely gives up on me... because I think if I trust someone in that way, they won't find ways to throw that in my face? I think that's not trusting someone, and not being able to rely on someone.. cause that's not a nice thing to do!. IDK! just thinking.. I need to work this out and i don't have anyone to talk to about it....But I definitely miss her... UGH! I miss having her with me, and seeing her smile, and holding her, and laughing, and other fun stuff... lol... but I can't let myself focus on that! there's a reason! a Reason for ALL of this! remember! not all unicorns and rainbows, there's bad with good!