In all honesty I have no idea what I've been through in the last twenty-four hours... I have definitely screwed everything up with everyone in my life.. and in complete despair.. I did something extremely dangerous, and insane.
I wish I could say there are voices in my head that made me think and or do what I did.. but there aren't.. I think I'm just an emotional person who is struggling to survive... For the first time I'm not anchored to anyone, or anything... for some reason I thought... I could just let go.. I could just forget everything and everyone and just let it go.. I've not felt like this in a really long time.. So for me to be real and serious about it all.. I could barely.. tell you the absolute truth..
I think I finally figured out the woman I've been in love with for months.. that I can't love her.. I can love her as my friend, but other then that.. I can't keep that up... because when I realize what her and I have been through... there's nothing I can see as us being together.
In finding out this insight.. I definitely lost my mind on top of everything else that's been going on! I can't even begin to express the complete heartache of losing my friend.. It's definitely true that I've lost her..
Maybe I'm completely lying.. maybe I'm just completely Fu**ed up and need a reason to find a way out. I'm not sure.
I can tell you.. I have not felt that kind of brokenness that I felt yesterday.. and thankfully my cousin for some reason came to help me out.. and basically saved the day because I often forget what I'm doing, why I'm doing it an need to be reminded of everything.
I can tell you that I feel heartbroken. I feel like theres nothing in the world worth loving, that maybe I'm completely insane and that there isn't an insanity person in the world who can feel what I feel and understand that. lol
So when I spoke to my cousin about everything that I've been going through and how i've felt.. I'll tell you he was disappointed... The control I have over her, and the control she has over me... is intense and even though we're just friends.. it definitely wasn't supposed to end up this way! and I tried I tried!! what I've ALWAYS done with everyone in my life! I tried to walk away, I tried to push her away, I tried to be a psycho, insane person, I stopped talking to her... and yet our hearts and souls are entwined I can't do it.. like an addiction, she's become my current obsession.. alls I want to do is make her happy, alls I want is to save her from herself, or save her from this fuc*** up mess that she believes so much that she knows what she deserves..
I guess.. we all have to learn in our own way. I remember the days that I was all messed up with drinking an women, I had Robyn there for me.. she never judged me, or made me feel bad for her coming to see me in the hospital.. alls she did was love me, be there for me.. and in that love I decided to make changes in my life. I wish i could change more now... but I'm addicted.. addicted to suffering in my own pain, and becoming a pathological liar.
You know what the hardest part for me was... is her telling me that I wasn't in love with her, that it's impossible.. she believed it was only infatuation... haha! I could love her! I could love her for the rest of my life, and you know the best part is that I would never jeopardize having her in my life by doing something stupid! I even told her that! I thought she'd stop talking to me, I thought she'd run and when I thought that I went MAD! I went crazy and got scared.. and she wouldn't leave.. haha.. she won't go away... she stays in my life.. and i think it's because I love her, an because I do so much for her, and appreciate her and adore her! I would rather spend the rest of my life... loving her and appreciating her then spend another minute without her! I'd rather be her friend and find ways to make her happy then lose her, and lose that piece of me.
SO.... in all this insanity! I've decided to make a video.. now this video is supposed to be devotion of love and heartbreak.. originally was supposed to be my confession of love to her! haha! but I've changed it to love and heartbreak... it's not a movie, it'll be a mash up of several experiences in movies where it expresses how I've felt! and am currently feeling! I love my creativity mind.. I wish I could ask Marie to help me... she's the best at Mash up documentaries.. but if I don't speak to her or contact with them for two years, maybe she'll come into my life! Marie is the only woman I'd marry! she's the only woman I would do that whole marriage stuff with, but I've never said that about anyone in my life.. and I can only hope! she is doing well!
I have a lot of incredible women in my life! and I'm grateful for every one of them!
I'm alive and I'm moving forward!