Monday, September 26, 2016

Fu**ed up

I don't know what to feel? what to do?? So I met this girl about a month ago and it's been an insanely rocky start since we started this insanity! and even in the insanity I have to say! I felt happy, I liked having someone to make me think of the future, I liked the idea of actually wanting to live. I have always had this plan that I'll reach all my goals and that in about ten years my life will end...
I know I'm completely crazy... and yes it's true I am Fuc**ed up... I'll say walk at least ten miles in my shoes and see where I've come from and what I've done to get where I am today and then try and not be Fukced up! I'll tell you it's nearly impossible! the world has a "Normal" way of things and then there are "Our Way" of things.. in understanding where I've come from, what I've lived through, and how I've survived those moments in my life.
I know life isn't easy... I know life is not meant to be unicorns and rainbows...but to be abused, used, and hurt most of my life, and then to realize that love was never real in my life until I was an adult.. imagine that! almost like NEVER hearing the words "I love you" being heard in my family, and so hearing them is weird...or even talk about feelings..what feelings? there are no feelings in my world.. my world is numb, broken and shattered, angry and frustrated and silent...if I cry I cry behind closed doors, if I feel hurt I feel hurt shut down, and yes I have some SERIOUS issues with bad choices believe me I know I have issues, but you throwing it in my face will not make me care about you anymore.
I know... what I tears run down my face, and my arm bleeds.. I know what I deserve.. I know who I've hurt, what I've done, and that all the worlds problems are my fault.. I know that I failed, I failed my family, I failed my uncle, and I failed my dad, and I failed my brothers and sisters, and worst of all I failed my mother..
You know everyday I try... I try so hard to wipe the stains of my difficult past off my shoulders, I try to raise my head and not let people see shame in my eyes, in my heart. I know that I have cut, I know that I am a suicidal fuckin psycho crazy person.
I don't feel ok! I feel my heart is broken and I'm unable to love anyone! and if you show me love than your just as idiotic as me...but worse because you won't leave when I tell you too..
My thoughts...are completely different from my heart and soul... I know that everyone talks about this great person I am, the amazing love that I have to give, and the amazing beauty of my heart and soul! but do you know what I've had to do to get here? Do you know that love for me is such painful shit that when people sometimes love me... I can only think how unworthy of it I am. does anyone know what it's like to be abused? does anyone know what it's like to have an addiction for over 15-18 yrs of my life?
Does anyone know how much shame i carry in my heart and soul, the stains of my generational curse! and because of that I'll never let myself be who they were...although realistically I already am. I try and try pretend I'm different, the ugly duckling..
reality is i'm not... I have become someone I don't want to be.. I needed my friends.. I needed to be loved. I needed to love her forever, and i need her now. and that's completely insane... I don't think I can keep doing this to anyone... because reality is! I won't change! I won't grow I won't be ok! and I won't want to keep moving forward... I've struggled with these thoughts for years! I'd rather die.. then try and work through this!
I know that she deserves better! She has an amazing heart, amazing beautiful fragile heart, and she's been hurt..but her beauty in being able to love the unlovable, and her willingness to work through things is incredible..she has so much of a great future ahead of her, and that future should not include me. I know that I'll smear that beautiful heart, and I'll abuse that heart, I'll probably break, tear, sow that heart and then throw it out with the trash..cause that's who I am.. I"m not worthy of that amazing love that she has to give, but to tell you the truth to have felt it for that one month! no greater light for my soul! I needed that, with everyone that I've lost it's a beautiful memory that I'll never forget!
I'm not ok! I'm Not OK! I don't know if I can keep doing this anymore and the more I say that the harder the tears fall from my eyes, and the harder it is to not do something stupid! I don't want to be saved, I don't want to be rescued! I just want someone to acknowledge that I'm hurt right now, and that I'm having a really difficult moment and a weak moment that I've made a not so great choice that yes I may regret it! but I have to live with it like all my other bad decisions.. I just refuse to let her continue to be hurt by me! she's deserves better! I will always love and care for you, but I'll not let you back in my life, as I am unworthy of that beautiful heart of yours!
I'm gonna lose my mind for a bit again... but I know that this is the right decision because I've been fighting for this, the more I knew her the more I knew I was not the one for her, she deserves someone who isn't as Fuc*ed up as I am..
It's hard to even sleep now... I need her with me! this is insane ! Im insane! I don't know how I'm going to get through this! it's not fun and its breaking my heart and soul! I need her back and yet I can't talk about psycho!

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