Friday, October 28, 2016

one last time

It was Oct 26, 1995... IDK if it was morning or night..I remember nothing...I only imagine what it was like for my father. apparently it was welfare day, he just got his cheque and I guess was looking for a good time.. he decided to get high and drink more then likely... the only thing I know for sure is that he died in the Dodson hotel on the 2nd floor, he died alone in the women's washroom...
I've read articles that state that the brain survives for 7 minutes after death and replays his memories.. I wonder what he remembered about me, about my brothers.. about my mom?
for the last 21 yrs I've struggled, limped, dragged my ass along... and I'll never make sense of why he did what he did, I'll never understand the addiction to that type of narcotics, or alcohol.. For some weird reason I'm smarter then that, and I've always had people looking out for me and the best interests of my life.
However... it doesn't excuse the pain I feel.. the pain and emptiness I've felt since my father died.. I remember or think I remember what the day was like.. I was 10 yrs old. It was beautiful sunny day, and it was gym day, we played one of my favourite games... by the afternoon I ended up with a stomach ache, and spent the rest of my time in the nurses office... at the end of the school day.. I walked home... smiling probably? I walked in the door..and heard screams, and sobs, and crying.. I walked through the kitchen and into the living room where I found my mom on the phone, and my older sister on her knees holding my moms leg. I didn't know what was happening, and on the couch were my two cousins who had no idea what was happening... within mom picked me up from hugging my older sister...and said "your dad died" or something like that! I've never felt so broken, and so sad.. instead of dealing with it, I ran out the back door, with my cousin trevor following me. we climbed a roof... and chatted, and I cried.
everything after that is a blur.. I remember vaguely my father's funeral.. as they nailed in my father's coffin his mother was screaming No... I remember looking at my father...hoping it was a joke
It wasn't a joke.. it really happened..
AN every year I feel it over and over, it doesn't get easier... no one can ease that pain that I felt and feel..
This year.. I was working... and I can't be specific or tell the whole story... but I had someone overdose on heroin in my building in a bathroom stall.. but I had someone help me get him out and I gave him Naloxone (reverses the effects of overdose) and i gave him CPR until help arrived.. that morning I woke up.. I went to work.. and I spoke with my staff.. and I said "No One Dies today' they're like right cause today is reserved for the one death of my father.. and then that afternoon this happened...but I saved the life..and I wished so badly... that could've happened 21 yrs ago, where were these skills and training so many years ago?!

the one last time.. if it was his last time.. it killed my father, and for the person that overdosed it wasn't his time, and i was lucky to be aware of him, and have the proper training thanks to my work.. I've learned to keep moving forward.

Alls I can say...besides this.. is thanks for that day! and I'm glad that I wasn't alone! I miss my father everyday.. but I think he'd be proud of who I am today!

Much love

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