Sunday, November 20, 2016

choked up now

Its been the weirdest three months of my life.. I've never felt so broken or cold.. I'm not sure whats going on with me.. or how it's all come to this.. there was a woman in my life that at first meant a lot to me, but as time went on, she started displaying some annoying qualities that I tried to work with and before I knew it my life felt consumed by insanity.. and every time I tried to break free from her it always tied and drew me closer to her.. until recently I was and have been determined.. there a nasty argument we had a few days ago and it stuck with me, and honestly turned me off of wanting to be around her.. she tried to blame some not so nice things on me, and I had read articles and stuff about manipulative people and assumed I was this, when really if we think of it.. this was her. and the controlling, possessiveness became insane.. maybe it's not wise for me to have my ex gf in my life but things are different, and as for the girl I was in love with 4 months ago.. things have changed drastically.
everyone deserves to be happy... and apart from this woman's broken soul, I had never felt so loved and appreciated..but my issues for my own self is controlling and ownership of things that I have worked so hard for.. it took me a long time to get the friends I have, and to keep them steadily in my life. and I felt like that was the only reason this woman was in my life, and that she was and wanted to take over the people in my life, and the things I did.. she even tried to make my cat love her but he didn't lol.
I know that for me.. I've got so many things going on and I needed and desired my own time.. I have been so used to being alone, and than all of a sudden this woman came in my life and consumed my life, and randomly showed up at places like at my vehicle where I parked my car, or at my house, or at my friends, or at my work. it was hard to want to be honest with her about where I was because I was scared she'd go there too.
Maybe I'm crazy.. actually yes I am crazy.. but this insanity of craziness really was a new level that I could not handle.. and the fact that as she left.. she said every hurtful thing she could think of just to try and hurt me.. I didn't say a word.. she's got to do what she's got to do.. but I drove her home, and she kept accusing me of being in love with these other women, or something insane... I didn't have any time for any one else.. and I wasn't interested in anyone else. I just wanted my time "me time" my down time, so that I can get myself together.. as I have a very stressful and straining job.. it's been insane and I just I didn't feel like she could understand that.. I also had a hard time discussing my job with her because she hadn't been raised in areas that I have, and she didn't really have a good understanding of people that i deal with.. and that was really hard for me.. because my job is important to me, the people I deal with are important to me, and it's important for me to stay at my job or in the community. And for her not to see that it made no sense to me and actually just felt like a huge wall between us.. because we didn't have much in common or things to talk about..
I don't really know what I like but I do know what I don't like.. I guess.. I really am interested in the gun range, and getting my license to go hunting with some friends, I like the idea of learning more about my culture and why it's so great to be me.. and to be around people who are strong with their culture... IDK
I just I'm losing my mind and I need to be set free.. I need to feel like I'm not owned or caged. I need to feel free to do as I please, I'm not married, and we didn't live together, and she didn't trust me and yet said she loved me. how can someone love someone but not trust them? that doesn't make sense.. she said she loved me but then accused me of loving someone else, or being with someone else or even being obsessed with someone else... I didn't have any desire for anyone else, I was content with her, but I needed the craziness of it all to stop.. that's what I definitely needed, and to not feel guilty for going out with my friends, or family.. to be allowed to be my own individual person and not feel like if I went someone it meant we were going somewhere..
I just hope the future is brighter for her.. and that we can get to a place where she doesn't love me the way she does, and that if she needs a friend.. that I can be that for her without any attachments or that she can find friends, because she is an amazing woman and I will miss her.. sometimes I've caught myself imitating her only because I don't know I'm doing but being around her that often I guess I've picked up some traits. haha!
Much Love and Keep Moving Forward

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