Sunday, October 2, 2016

No Harm in Truth

I guess I'm the worst at this truth stuff, no I'm the worst at harm... I'm the worst at expression of love, expression of emotion... This is my one flaw, my one painful thing that prevents me from a lot of greatness. My now ex gf wanted me to want her, need her, tell her how much I missed her or tell her that I cared for her, adored her, loved her.. And yet... I couldn't get over all the accusations she was throwing at me as if I really would want to date my ex gf, or date a guy for that matter. I for some reason was dedicated to her, and only wanted her and her amazing love.
The worst thing is everyone in my life.... is like "let her go" let her walk away, stay away from her. and yet... I can't.. I feel it deep with my heart, I feel it.. I miss her.. I want her in my life.. I don't know what I'm thinking in letting her walk away? Probably thinking she's crazy to have called me 9 times while I was in the movies, because she didn't know the movie was two hours long.. my phone didn't have service in the theatre, and I also put my phone in my bag so I didn't have it on me.
This continuous insanity..just keeps me thinking... what my sexy lady an I were trying to figure out a couple days ago.. "what is love" you know I've been asked this question a lot.. and my issue is I didn't know love... I didn't know love until my late teenage years, I didn't know my mom loved me till i was 21 yrs old..
So to ask me this question is so difficult for me to answer it..
But... Love for me.. is my lady.. the one woman in my entire life! My Lady was my help, my love, my friend... she loved me unconditionally, she loved me without judgement, and she stood by me in my good and bad times... love was appreciating who she is, and her appreciating who I am. being there for each other.. Love is a feeling of "cup runneth over' lol.. love is beauty in every piece of darkness, love is seeing her smile, love is seeing her eyes, and love is her being comfortable enough with me to cry, and know that i could comfort her and love her... I would never ask anything else of her but to be loved... because us having that amazing love, unconditional and that love will be forever, eternal, for infinity.. It doesn't matter that my lady and I aren't friends anymore.. that love lives deep within my heart and soul! and to me that is love.
I don't know if that true.. I don't know what it is for anyone.. I honestly also think if I had to be completely honest.. I didn't know love until I met God! until those two Christians knocked on my door asking if I wanted to go to church. I think the reason I can show love in a SMALL way! is because I have felt pure love.. Its funny most people I know have met God in some way or other.. thats the one thing that seems to be consistent for everyone.. I was driving and seen these people holding up signs "Abortions kills children" as much as this may or may not be true.. they are labeling God as conditional, that he won't love you if you decided to have an abortion.. but the reality is... God has no judgement on anyone, if he did... why does he forgive the murders, the rapists, and child molesters? So these judgements that Abortion Kills Children is human emotion, human conditioning God and his ultimate greatness. IDK if that's true.. but I'ms sure if someone who had an abortion was hurt, and cried on her knees and asked God for Forgiveness I think he'd forgive her.

I'm getting carried away... so I guess.. I had to let Scarlet go.. I had to walk away mostly because she went on her extreme.. she believed so strongly that the only reason I went out was to go on a date. instead of realizing that everyone I was out with were ALL my friends! My amazing friends who have stuck by me for about 6 yrs. and only one of those many was someone i had dated, but that was 3 years ago..I'm sure it's possible for us just to be friends, its possible just to enjoy the company of others. I mean we all had a great time, and I laughed, and laughed till my stomach hurt, and I was surrounded by greatness... and then at the end of the movie, I had nothing but problems because my gf believed so strongly that I was out on a date. I was not... I did want my gf to come to the dinner and movies, but she has a job, and has to make a living. I figured next time, next time she can come out and meet my friends.
Instead I guess there is no next time..
and my friend tonight.. he told me that I'm pretty awesome because I'm not blaming this all on her.. this isn't all her fault.. this our fault!
I am not the emotional, lets hug and talk about how I feel, or let me express to you how much I love and adore, cherish, and miss you... these are not emotions that I express.. and to those that are able to hear me say, to know I have those emotions within me for them, are lucky.. because we have a woman, who is absolutely crazy, but absolutely amazing.. the way she smiles, the way she looks into my eyes, the way she holds my hand, and the way she jokes, smiles, grins, the way she holds me, kisses me, the way she makes me feel... the fact thats she not fuck**ed up the fact that she has a job, and that she is able to be confident in her own skin, that she can clearly express to me how much she cares for me, how much she misses me...
Anyway! I'm not an emotional person. I don't want to blame this on my mother, but my mother is not an emotional person either... through this generational bull***shit we have been damaged by the garbage my mom was taught, that I was taught, and that I tried to NOT teach my brothers and sisters, I don't know they are expressive..I hope they are.. anyway.. I don't know how to change, I don't know how to be expressive how to love unconditionally or express that love.. and also it's only been a short time and I think for me loving her would take time, but she needed to be needed, she needed to be wanted..and although I needed her an wanted her, she needed to hear it.. and i couldn't do that.. I don't know why..
As for her.. well... general insanity.. she believed that everyone in my life was someone I wanted to sleep with, or that i was cheating on her... or that I just definitely and utterly disrespected her all the time.. I think that she is absolutely amazing, she is beautiful, and she is worth my time, because she does make me happy.. but not on days like today... when my heart feels cracked, burdened and i don't know what to do.. except write, except cut, except complain... and I'm grateful for my one friend who says who cares what people think of you and your gf... they said... how do you feel about her, and that's all that should matter, the only reason everyone has there reservations about her is because of what i've said, none of them actually know her the way I do.. and they all have formed judgements because I have gone to them sad, broken, and/or hurt.. they haven't seen me on my good days with her. so who cares what they think... what do I want?
an that's tough too.. because I don't know if I should keep moving forward, or go back..and yet she won't let me back..because she hates me because she's right, and I'm wrong.. and that's a tough one for me.. maybe she deserves better, maybe she's met someone like she said she was going to do the other night... maybe she'll come back.. or maybe its over, the only thing I've taken from this is "what is love" and what do I need to do to work on myself so that I'm better at expressing how I feel. yes on here I am very expressive but not in person.. It's impossible for me! I just want her to come back and give us time to figure this out.. but that time might be too late, and that's what I'll also have to deal with! I'll always adore her, care for her, love her, and want her..
MUST try moving forward.......

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