Sunday, September 4, 2016


So its true... I'm truly an introvert who absolutely hates the world.  I could watch my TV, read a book,  write. I can go on lite hikes, I can drive to complete an utter darkness an pull over an watch the stars. But I can't do the PNE. I can't be normal people. Sitting here freezing my ass off I remember why I avoid these types of things because it's too painful for me to have to realize what a loser I am.
I miss the simpler days when my friends would cook for me, talk to me an have a connection with me one on one. Anything more than that an I start getting self conscious, an feeling inadequate. People laugh at me all the time about my feelings but this is who I am. An why is it such a problem that I'd rather give someone my undivided attention an devotion... when I can actually listen to your heart, your words an to be able to see your body language, see how you voice things. Why is this so weird.
I'd also rather jump off a bridge like bungee jumping, I'd rather jump out of an airplane skydiving. I'd rather drive to the gun range an shoot my guns.
But sitting here..I feel sad an ashamed of who I am.. an realizing no one really appreciates me an what I do an how I like things.  I'm supposed to be someone else. But I also refuse to change for anyone.  Why can't people like the quieter things. The beautiful moments in life. I'd rather go to the aquarium, the zoo...rather than be here because nothing would be expected of me. I could just enjoy the beautifuL animals but I guess the problem is I also hate caged animals. I hate that the world has considered this acceptable behavior to entrap wild life.. for the pleasure of people.oh I remember what was my favorite is the zoo in Ontario I can't remember what it was called...but they had lions and lioness an giraffe an whatever else. An they were exactly caged but they were contained.. does that make sense.  I liked that.
I'd also rather call up Robyn an say please forgive me an come back in my life because I think I need you an value you. But at the same time it wasn't that we screwed up beyond repair.. I'm sure her an I can talk it through. But maybe things are different at least they are different for me. She isn't my whole world anymore I have some amazing people in my life, but at the same time I absolutely miss her. I miss her talking to me, I miss her hugging me. I miss spending time with her.. I miss the person I was when I was with her...
Oh I could enjoy going to a BC Lions game too that's fun for me too. Lol.
I wish I knew no I don't wish.. I can't imagine where she is at with her life an I can't imagine what's happened. I can only hope that she's happy, that she's fulfilled an that she is moving forward in all her beauty she definitely doesn't deserve the hardship she has faced but no one really does. I'm glad that she has friends an supports an that she is hopefully happy living her life. I am sad that I won't have her to save the turtles with, an I still have her on my benefits if I ever die. I did delete her so now Christina will be my legacy contact.  That was a hard decision but realistically I talk to Christina more than anyone an I love her as my friend.
Anywan im ranting an I'm sad.. that I'm alone an I guess.. I miss the person I used to be. I hate who I am today an no matter who tries to change me it just doesn't seem to no one should really try an change me. Why can't people accept who I am.  Well cause who I am is a terrible person. I've only caused people I care about pain. I treat peogle really badly an I do it like a reflex.
I'm also jealous of my friend who gets to enkoy the time with my girlfriend. But really she's lucky to have good people.  Please let me end it all today... I can't do it anymore. Lol joking but my heart is hurting

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