Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Born to love you

It's been one of the hardest days of my life.. I feel completely shattered.. I partially wish it was all a dream.. and that I'll wake up and everything will be as it should be.
But reality is... here and now..and part of that here and now is not being in her life.. she is not someone I can and/or should love.. I have tried to do this before with not talking-to her but it didn't work out, but this time is different.. this time she did it.. this time she purposely told me to leave and that broke my heart.. every time I did it to her it didn't phase her according to her she doesn't have a heart.
It's time to move on.. time to look to the future. and I'll say having her in my life was nice.. I liked smiling, and I liked our time together.. I liked being trusted and admired for my amazing ability to always be there for people..even people who just hurt me.. maybe she didn't know that she was doing it likely because I never really told her. but the scars on my arm are proof that I'm toxic, and that I think way too much.
It wasn't that long ago that I said I couldn't live without her, and that I couldn't let her leave my life.. and its true.. just as I write that, my eyes well up, and i begin to cry.. I loved her.. I cherished her.. and now I'm dealing with the heart break in losing her.
I'm so messed up... and its funny everyone who knew about my love for her are all surprised at how much it has effected me, that I couldn't work, and if I could I wouldn't go to work tomorrow because this is unbelievable painful experience that I just want to lay in bed and cry..
It's super lame because I have someone in my life.. someone who is great for me.. she loves me, and cares for me, and she does everything she can to make me smile, and she hasn't left me, she hasn't thought of it.. but I'm so fucked with my own emotions.. does she know what I'm feeling? does she know I'm heartbroken and that I'm unhappy with how it all turned out..
I can only hope that I get through this.. and listen to all the dang articles about refusing to go back to the things that only cause us pain.. to only focus on the good and happy.. why does anything else matter.. and then reality is I'm accustomed to pain, and torment and abuse. I'm not used to being treated the way she treats me.. and so it's hard.. for me.. because I don't know how to be for her.. I'm so distracted I can't sleep, I can't eat... I can't talk.. I can only feel the pain deep within my heart.. wishing I could put a gun to my head...
I know BS. but I'm hurt and broken..and its going to take time to heal from this.. and I just hope that my gf doesn't give up on me, otherwise all of this would've been for nothing.. but then again.. is it worth losing her over? IDK. why couldn't it work the way it was working.. why was it all or nothing, black and white? where's the shades of grey?
I'm losing my mind..and once again I'm losing my mind writing.. I can't write, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't be happy anymore.. and I can't ever face her again.

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