Monday, October 31, 2016

my love

I'm losing my mind again and its not abnormal it's a bit strange how easily she could walk out on me even though I didn't tell her to leave this time. Makes me think maybe this was always the plan.
I don't know what to do.. and I don't have anyone to talk too.. everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this insanity,and this craziness.. half the world says we should be happy and together as we love each other, the other half says she's using me for everything I've got, and that she manipulates me and makes me form these ideas of who she believes I am..compared to who I actually am..
She's judging me based on my past instead of recognizing that I'm not that person any more, just as much as people change, and grow and learn from their mistakes..
It took me a while to be who I am today, and maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone... maybe I just need to be alone because for the first time I see my flawed lifestyle and my flawed personality... I'm not who I was those many years ago when I was with my ex.. I've changed, grown, and become my own person but maybe I've also gotten to the point of being too comfortable with the person I am and unwilling to mold myself or make room for anyone else.
I mean realistically.. I am stubborn and demand my own way... I can't ever curve my life to someone else,and I don't think I should have to change drastically for someone to care about me, and no one should change for me either... and IDK... today I read my horoscope that stated maybe I"m not meant to be in love right now.. I'm needing to focus on work.. lol but I don't really believe in all of that, but right now.. the fact that she walked out on me... without even trying.. makes me think this is it.
and maybe that's what I want and need... there was always talk that I'd have my own space again, and that she'd give me time for myself... but i haven't had that..once again I've been suffocated in a box, expected to answer my phone when she calls me when I'm done work, expected to show up at her house at a specific time, or even now she expected me to run after her.. even though I have STRONGLY stated I'd never do that...
I honestly believe if someone wants to be with you, spend time with you, they would make the effort and not walk away, and not make you chase them.. people who make you chase them are only after game playing, and I'm not young and dumb anymore I'm not up for games anymore. I don't deserve that and maybe thats why I'm questioning everything.. but honestly what hurts more.. is being judged for who I was, and being accused constantly that I want to sleep with all these people, and that i don't have any filter of not sleeping with people..when I was very clear that it's not who I am, and it's not what I do..
I'm losing my mind as always...and I know because of it all.. I'll give up tomorrow.. Give up on the people who want to be in my life, and i'll just hide... maybe I'll go for a nice long drive and get away from it all, fuck it all! I need something because this isn't working for me.. and the more she brings up this stuff, the worse I feel... and it's really hard that everything is only from her perspective none of it is from my own..none of it is my stuff, or seeing it from where I sat, laid or's always she's right an I'm wrong..really no! I'm right this time.
at least I'm a bit stronger now and I'm feeling the grip of this insanity slowly slipping away... just as my ex said it would..she said there will come a time I'll just get tired of it all and walk away, because there's only so much someone should/could handle...after that it just becomes ridiculous nonsense.. and it's not fair to me.. that's not love.. it's supposed to be something else..
an that's the other thing... there's all these ideas of engagement and marriage..but really.. I'm sorry and praise those who can be married, but I can't be.. I can't do it... I don't like that idea, it terrifies me, and I don't know maybe it's just the wrong person, but my ideas of marriage are distorted I don't know what marriage really is, besides the piece of paper...and some loyalty and commitment and devotion but that's the worlds view..there's a lot more to it Im sure.. but I can't be someone who does it.
Maybe one day I'll be like that friend I had..who was able to marry someone because it's what the person they loved wanted, and the friend wanted their partner to know they matter above all others, but still was able to be who they are? IDK.. I'll have to look into this one a bit more.. but I'd rather just be common-law thats' good enough.. more then enough anyway.

I know I know I know! but I get asked all these weird questions and I have to think about it and talk about it and I have to decide for myself and not let others get me in a place where I conform because that's not what i want for my life anymore

No comments: