Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I won't be a fool

I keep replaying this one song and it's not even relative to what I'm feeling but I just love Ciara voice haha.
I'm having an interesting time!!! MSL had messaged me!!! :) talk about the best thing in the world but hearing why she was upset with me wasn't very nice, because things were fine before, things were beautiful before... but then I got a gf.. and that gf didn't like my relationship with msl. but this was always my own fault, but losing that has never hurt more then this.. I think a week ago... when this all went down... I changed...
I told my gf... I feel like I'm three different people.. the first is the one that was in love with life, with msl, the one that was infatuated with all this happiness of dreams and hopes blah blah blah.. and then theres another side the "dark side" the "beast of burden" always just barely on the surface a constant reminder that my life is not worth much, and that I am not worth much, and that my life would be so much better if it ended...that everyone who has been in my life would or could be happier if i wasn't here. this side of me is the most dominant side, because I feel like I have so much feelings of shame of what I've lived through, and what scars are on my body... IDK.. I don't feel a lot of love anymore.. I guess the third person is who I am now... guarded...worried, scared and not wanting to be in love anymore, not wanting to feel the heartache I've felt in the last while.. not just with msl but also with my lady.. two amazing women in my life who have been a great light in my life, a great whatever they were, inspiration in my life, each women has had a piece of my heart in a way like no other.
and both had left me.. both had uprooted all that we were and just basically threw it away like it never matter to them. (not that this is true, this is what I feel)
So as a result.. I'm scared... I don't EVER want to feel the way I felt.. and I also now want to refuse to be happy because that can also result in this love.
So now that being said.. my gf is struggling with me.. she wants to be in the same league as those other women...I guess it's not that easy, it's actually really difficult and has taken a lot of time! I can GUARANTEE I had put a lot of tests, lots of mind games on both women, and pushed them away, pulled them close, and pushed them away, and been a bi*ch and all that... and if after walking through fire, and being able to still care for me.. then they succeed.. haha.. so for my gf.. it's a lot harder because I've only known her a short while, and I'm feeling really wounded right now...
I'm struggling with what I wanna do now, I'm struggling with my own person.. my own desires, and my own ideas..
I can't believe how easy it is for people to throw me away.. people often talk about my generosity, they speak of my compassion, my amazing heart, and blah fuckin blah! but yet I'm easy to let go of? so explain that to me? So do I really wanna live my life like that? do things need to change so that I'm more aware of who I let into my life, or do I need to guard my heart under lock an key and give it to no one?
I'm so confused, and I'm terrified..
At the same time... I have this amazing lady who wants to be in my life, she loves being around me, she has some expectations of me, but she challenges my comfort zone, and she makes me smile, and she makes my belly feel like butterflies because she looks at me the way I want to be looked at, she holds me the way I want to be held.. she has done nothing wrong.. (mostly nothing) the things that she has done we have worked through..
I think I just need more time... more time to process how I feel and figure out what I want to do.. because right now... I'm happy to be running away this weekend.. the one most important thing in the entire world is finally happening, and I'm not backing down! I just hope it all works out.
I need some time away, I absolutely loved the open road, I loved the beauty of British Columbia who couldn't love that?
And of all things I'll be sharing this beautiful experience with my brothers... and that will be good too! I can only hope that things come together the way I need them too! the only thing I can hope is that I find the people who are supposed to be paid to lay down the headstone, and that I'm also supposed to try have some sort of ceremony about the whole thing.. I wish I had an elder to walk me through that process,but I don't know a lot of FN people who are from my dad's area
Lastnight I watched "the Judge" it was a very difficult show for me to watch.. it totally reminded me of my uncle.. and it brought back all those feelings that I thought I had forgotten, and to be honest the same cancer that he had in the movie is the same as my uncle, so to see how much pain that he had to endure, only gave me a sliver of what my uncle went through and he endured that alone... as far as I'm aware, he didn't tell me... about his cancer... I didn't find out until I heard he was in the hospital and spent my last 10 days with him before he died.
Today I spent the day with my boss doing work obviously.. but I finally was able to connect with him in a way that we both can see the struggles we have endured and are able to be where we are now, I am happy to work for the company when I meet men like him, I am inspired.. and I hope that we do some great work together, but we both know this isn't forever... this is a stepping stone.. for me I don't know what I want to do.. I thought I knew.. but failing that one exam has crushed all my dreams, I don't even think I can enter school again anytime soon..
I'm rambling..but i guess it's processing... making things clear.. making me remember what I want and why I want them. I definitely don't want love.. I'm sorry but after what I've endured.. I don't want and/or deserve love.. Maybe its the abused child in me, but I'm too worried and hurt and scared to feel that ever again, and I'll do everything in my power to avoid it.. I'm completely screwed up right now... if only none of this had happened but it's good because it's moment for growth, and it's moment for me to see who I am, and who I don't want to be, and what I need to do to change.. or maybe I'm just insane like everyone says and i should be in the Psych ward.. only time will tell

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