Its unbelievable its' been 4 days... 4 days of not hearing from her, and knowing how much she hates me. I am completely busted by the whole situation, I can't be happy because she was my happiness. she was the sparkle in my eye, the light in my darkness, she was the moon to my stars haha.
An because she deleted me from everything, I figure I'll write it here and see if it helps me feel better because I'm sad, and carrying this heartache around.. and I'm busted up!
MSL I want you to know that I love you, I've loved you from the first day I met you! All crazy insanity an all! I've tried to never do anything to hurt you, but to guard you, protect you, and comfort you when your sad. I know that love is impossible for us, and that you'll never feel the way I feel about you. But I loved having you in my life, I loved talking to you, I loved making you smile, and making you nervous that you make bad driving decisions, i loved being there for you when you needed me, and I loved having you show up at my work often! You truly cared for me if your way was to show it by spending time with me. I needed you often and you were there, I had long chats about random things, things that entwined our hearts and souls.. I will always love you and the person you are! I would never change you, form you in anyway..except for you hair which i did change haha! I guess I know what heartache, and heartbreak feels like... You came in my life when my best friend bailed on me, and when she deserted me in that heartache... she too hurt; obviously why we aren't friends.. but you were my most amazing distraction that I could hardly believe it's been nearly two months since she's been gone.. My heart still aches for her, because she was the ultimate woman in my life, no one could live up to her amazing love and compassion.. I'll forever have a place for her but she's gone..and I didn't cry a lot and I didn't feel a lot of pain for it all because I had you.. you became the most amazing friend in my life, someone to comfort me, and to allow me to be vulnerable, to cherish me, and be there and be willing to get a tattoo with me.. (good thing we didn't now) but I'll still get it as a representation of who we were.. because you matter to me, you are very much engraved in my heart. As for the whole situation let me try my best to express.. that I am truly sorry how everything ended... I know you don't understand.. But I know and feel heartache every time I think of it.. So lets try this analogy so you can get a clear picture of what i was going through and I'll try my best not to be an As**ole
Imagine you with the love of your life (loser guy) out for dinner an he just so happens to be with his new girlfriend and you guys are out having dinner.. and as much fun as it might be for him to have you there, his girlfriend is focused on him, touching him, an being completely weird because she doesn't want you there. because she knows what he meant to you, so she continues to harass him, and make him lets say hold her hand, or something normal... normal couple stuff..but reality is... you don't feel comfortable because you are still in love with him, and it's completely insane love that obviously he'll never get back with you..but you still dream and hope.. Now that you see the situation clearly imagine how I felt when I was there with you two. I didn't like any of it, and I wanted you.. and I can't have you, and so i was gonna say after I got to work was... can we just not have our others around when we hang out... clearly my gf doesn't like you, and I don't like him..and i know thats completely ridiculous but I like having your attention when I'm with you, and I don't want someone else fighting for it. because I know I'll lose.. so I was gonna say.. lets just be us when we are there in the present.
Instead that didn't happen, instead you shattered my heart with meaningless words that will forever scar my soul.. I can't believe how much I love you.. an how hard it has been day by day having to not have you in my life. I cry, I cry and cry and people tell me I'm crazy an I'm a loser for feeling what I feel for you..because you'll never love me, care for me, and likely we'd enter into a cycle of abuse where you'd constantly do things to cause me more pain..which is interesting..but I guess if you actually love me in a small way you wouldn't hurt me, but because your heartless and don't actually care about me. you'd intentionally just cause me more pain and I'd one day not be able to live with myself and my constant failure, and constant pain
OR maybe I made that all up.. lol
I wish you were here... I have countless times imagined you showing up at my work, or calling me on my phone.. and telling me your an idiot and i'm an idiot and that you'd forgive and forget.. but that day won't happen..because you clearly burned all bridges where you and I could have been.
I miss you and I'm sorry that things have ended this way, and I'll forever love you in a way like no other! if alls I can say.. is find your happiness, find your love,and find your heart! strive to grow and become more amazing.. it'd be nice to see a beautiful smile on your face more often! and one day when we pass each other maybe it'll sting a lot less..or maybe I'll cry.. who knows...