I'm completely and utterly confused and lost and scared.. For the first time in a while.. I guess I am where I am.. for whatever reason... very unexpected... and maybe I'm overthinking as I always do.. I know I've said I plan on dying, I plan on fulfilling all my goals before then.. and for the first time in a long time someone has made me question whether its something I really want to do?
What if.. the could have it all.. and for the first time I realized I have never actually thought about that.. I don't know what type of future I would want, and what I would want..
I can tell you for certain.. i loved living at NLGH. I can tell you that I loved chopping wood, making fires, cutting grass, doing laundry and hanging it out to dry... having only 10 min showers because our water ran off a well.. haha.. I loved that lifestyle, although I hated it at the time.. I think it taught me some important lessons..
so when thinking about it all now... I don't want that all.. but I'd say at least a fire place.. in a home.. and part of that home would let me have a study so that I can have my "Fortress of Solitude" as writing is my passion. an i like the idea of having something that's mine.. these conversations are difficult for me.. because no one has ever asked me that before.. but I love where I live right now in the sense I live away from the city, an I drive down to work.. gives me a chance to get to work and when I leave I literally leave the area.. and I'd like.. to hopefully if I had too have my own land I'd love to have a weeping willow tree to always remind me of NLGH.
The only reason I really wanted to hopefully die in ten years is because I am currently unhappy an I'm scared of what the future would hold in the sense.. of getting old.. I'm afraid of getting old, because there will come a time where someone will have to help me, or what if I can't walk? what if this that an the other...that scares me, because it would mean I'd have to rely on someone else.. or who knows
the funny question or thing I said was about marriage.. I don't like the idea of marriage only because I've never seen them last forever, its hard for me to imagine two individual people be able to change and grow together... its like asking an orchid to grow with a sunflower.. each will take it's own course, how do you make them mend together? Maybe I'm just crazy.. I honestly think deep down underneath all my blush* I do want to get married, I like the idea of having someone hopefully forever, but I'm also terrified of love, and I'm scared of failing the person I love. I know theres always forgiveness and all that.. but can you imagine.. just repeatedly in different ways failing the one you love?
I had made a promise to MSL that I wouldn't act a certain way and yet I did.. almost like a reflex and she forgive me yes, but I couldn't forgive myself for being such and idiot.. and that's what I don't like. I don't like causing pain, and heartache I know what it's like, and what it feels like.
On the other hand.. I know I can love.. someone forever. even with Robyn not being around, she couldn't call me up but if she ever spoke to me.. and needed me.. I'd still be there for her.. just as much as my ex.. I'm just that kind of person, so maybe that's what people see?
they don't hear the shi* i say because my actions prove otherwise..
I just want to love her.. lol she's been amazing and she's been with me...an she's willing to help me work through the insanity in my head, and IDK if I've ever been this honest with anyone so its interesting.. maybe I'm just crazy and maybe this is just too much right here and now?
i need to contemplate it, and decide how i feel after that? which is why I'm writing because I think it helps clear the thoughts in my head so I can look at the facts.
Soon MSL what's gonna happen!
We all make choices and we all have to live with those choices! you and I deserve happiness.. and maybe in someways we have found it.. but maybe we seek more then happiness? IDK. for now my love lets keep moving forward.