Thursday, October 13, 2016

I'm suffocating here

So... this day didn't start out or end the way my mind had thought not that I knew what I was hoping for or wanted.. IDK when or where or how but there was a phrase that came to my mind! and I had to figure out what it was! So I've been thinking about this heartbreak mash up insanity that I've been supposed to make forever... I haven't had time! my time has been consumed with insanity! which shouldn't be abad thing.. but when I feel like sh** for checking my text messages, or Facebook, or even trying to write in my blog.. it's not a good feeling... I felt trapped.. anyway! so I was driving to work today and this phrase came to my mind "I'm suffocating here" and it summed up  all of how I have felt!
I know that's bad... and I think a lot of this problem is also my own fault... because a part of me wanted this relationship and thought how beautiful it had been.. but the problem was is my time was consumed by hers, my life was all about her... and her small nudges or nagging I tried to let it go.. but it adds up, and according to her I said stuff..which is weird.... she has the most amazing memory she remembers basically every conservation sorta..sometimes she mixes things up..anyway..
so I was trying to find the phrase...and thought it'd be perfect to add to my collection.. that I'm hopefully now going to continue to work on! Guess where it's from! "August Rush" most beautiful inspiring lost and love story! so that's what I'm watching now! and of course "Robin Williams" is in the movie! RIP! Amazing actor!
I feel like I'm losing my mind...and the thoughts and input of my friends is insane driving me crazy.. its funny because they said she loves me..but... I guess I don't love at all.. I don't understand it, know what it feels like, and i block it out! and i sabotage it in every way because it fuc*** terrifies me.. so maybe that's why I destroy this but then is it always me? it's unhealthy to make me be off work at that time,and here at that time, and theres no room for error, no stopping for gas, ice cream, or phone calls. I'm expected and blah blah.. IDK!
I want to run away.. I guess it's that time for me... My heart is fu**** I don't have one! and that's  first for me, and it's funny because people always tell me how great I am, and how much I give to others, and how I'd give everything I have for one of my friends, or how amazing it is to be my friend blah blah blah! but do I actually love my friends? do I just appreciate who they are? and how does someone respect someone else! An lastly! if me being honest didn't come with strings attached, or reactions like "oh so your gonna do this that and the other thing with her" than maybe i'd be more honest.
I wish I could be a singer.. lol I have absolutely no talent! but to travel and get away often! to not be tied down to anything! maybe I should move back to Ontario... maybe I should go find something else to do.. because what I'm doing now everyone says I'm wasting my talents, and also I'm unhappy and I'm all about drama..
I think apart from my hair appointment and my moms sobriety cake on Sunday.. I think this will be the last time I do anything, and also I'm going to strongly consider leaving... I think it's time.. I mean I have made no good impression on my family, I am completely alone and I'm not changing the world Im not making it a better place.. I'm losing my mind an Im suffocating here!
Someone should just hit me.. make me feel something..I think it would help me avoid what I'm about to do!

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