I have to write what is weak for me.. because sometimes I realize that alot of the time it's in my head, and what is real is truth, and truth is all that matters.
We've been together for what seems like such a short time, and yet today something was said that made me think of some things, that I guess has me thinking... she said that our love has been through a lifetime, which is great it means it can last yes... but it also means if we don't nurture it? maybe it can die? IDK. it's bothering me because I get worried, concerned, scared... just as though you search for love, or whatever the fuck we search for, when we find it we are afraid of losing it.. wanting to keep it etc.
When we first got together it was all about chaos, we totally got together at a difficult time for both of us, we I guess we held one another in regard to IDK?? but when it fell apart it was because of me.. it was my mind, my head, my thoughts, the input of others that made me doubt, and sadly made me say something I hardly remember. it's funny because I felt for awhile that I was someone completely different when I said those things, but the reality is... its me.. its me doubting what I have and all that I have.
To find a love so rare...to find beauty, life, happiness, joy even in one person is impossible at least I feel that.. but to create that together...to laugh at ourselves, to laugh at our good moments, to find life, and happiness in simple things in life, to be able to spend hours on the phone talking about everything and nothing at all... it's beautiful.. its fun. but then when the silence comes... I get scared, and I end up writing, or cleaning, or internalizing it all... feeling like maybe it's dying.. but reality is it's not dying.. this is what i have to remind myself.
Today when I told her the reasons why I loved her, it was beautiful.. it wasn't easy! you know people make it seem easy to tell someone why you love them. but to really think about it, to really put it into words isn't easy.. and I did it because... because I believe in our love, I believe in her, and i believe that we have a future together.
before....not even that long ago, I didn't believe this.. I thought all the many reasons that I wasn't enough, that this wasn't real, and that it's not capable to love me, because of all the pain I've created, caused, endured, but we all deserve love... and we all deserve happiness..
As she had said back then she isn't my true happiness, I hardly know what that means, but I know that she is my happiness right now, just as much as we are in love right now, and there isn't much that can destroy that, and that's what she means by enduring this much for this time and space.. is that we have been through so much in such a short period of time, that we can make it through anything.
I wish though.. and I have to say it.. I wish that we were together a bit more, to do regular couple things, it's been hard to see her struggle and know that I have a home here ready and waiting for her., I'm basically willing to move, willing to give up everything to be with her.. and that's definitely too early to say as well, but what we have... as she had said has been through so much, and i'd like the happy moments to last more than one or two days, I'd like to be able to have more fun, more walks, more parks, more ocean views, more sunsets together.
I know that I have to be patient an let her go through her rollercoaster life, and hopefully be the one thing that is consistent in her life, and not wavier in that, but I do have my moments.. Isn't it normal to want to love love, and to enjoy those moments of love>? I feel like it's normal.
anyway.. its hard.. tonight is hard...
we both had moments... not with one another but with things happening in our lives, and we had an idea that didn't come to life which made things feel shitty, and that's what has caused me to write, because I worry.. I have concerns, and I have so many questions still unanswered, and I have so many things I'd like to say...
it's been an intense couple of weeks, and I hope the next few gets easier because we both deserve to enjoy what we have...
I really love our random fun though. I cannot stress it enough that we have fun when it's spontaneous and fun, it reminds me of someone sometimes.. just getting up and going.
Can we just have a break.. have some fun you know? have some good beautiful days that are worthy of greatness, worthy of pictures, and worthy of memories that last a life time? that's all I'd like just one day. lol
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