I have had this song in my head for the last day... It was one of the songs I sent to her when we were not together, it was hard for me to hear, because I had messed up in our relationship, and I wanted it back, I wanted to rewind time to make it not be what it was.. but I also wasn't sure if I mattered to her.
I know that I realize now that I say a lot of things in the wrong ways... and I thought about it and I think I do it because I know or feel like I'll be rejected.. or maybe I'm setting myself up for failure.? I'm not really sure why I do what I do.. there are or were better ways to have that conversation and I did it all wrong, adn it set off a wildfire of painful moments that really hurt me..
I didn't mean that to be the outcome, but for whatever reason my gf was hurt or angry or frustrated IDK, she said some things that really pissed me off, and I cannot get over that....
She was right in finding time and place to talk but the response to my honesty no matter the delivery it was painful.
I realize that i am the cause of a lot of our broken communication.. I hate that this is true. but I also hate that I don't know what she even thinks of us, or how this has been going because in her mind it's been great.. and in my mind I'm lost in how it can be great.
I feel like an old married couple who can barely stand one another, which is why we've broken it down to texting, and seeing one another once a week..
I didnt want the extreme of who we were before, but I don't want to feel like this... and the argument or whatever has left lingering effects...
I am trying to be as supportive as I can, pretending like what happened wasn't painful, but reality is it was and it wasnt ok to do that to me... because there was literally nothing I can do, and nothing I was willing to do because people make their own choices.. and regardless it was hard..
I'm struggling now how to get past that... because as if the last couple weeks haven't been difficult it is now going to get more difficult if that makes any sense...
I have to what...I have to be supportive, understanding, and not let my own emotions or thoughts fuck with that, because in her mind she's what in a weird spot and wants to run from me, and everyone, and she's trying really hard to stay connected so I have to be supportive and understanding, and basically feeling like I have to put my feelings in the back burner.. adn that's hard because moments that she wants to talk, she wants to see me, and I'm still wounded by the last 24 hours, and I don't know how to work through that, I only want the best, and I demand my best, but sometimes I get down.. like these last few posts... its hard without the communication..
I hate that I was raised this way.. I hate that I struggle with communication and it's one main ingredient to any relationship... and now matter how much I try.. words don't come to light, I dont voice anything, and then I sit in the car for 20 mins in silence with her, because I literally have nothing worth talking about, except now it's later..and I'm struggling...
I'm struggling because it feels like my brain is exploding with every question flooding me, it's like a war between two parts of me fighting the reality? fighting the dream? I dont know what Im saying..
I just... lets see...
I just miss walking.. I miss pda, I miss talking, I miss phone calls, I miss talking, cant wait to talk to one another, rather then feeling obligated to talk, or whatever...
I read a blurb about how to make a relationship work and one thing it said was communication is key.. and with my friends... my friends of more than 10 yrs I have no problem, but with her.. IDK... IDK why I hold things back, sometimes I think because when I did talk about those problems, or issues, or thoughts it turned into an argument, or disagreement, and we didn't work past it, we just forgot it, or she forgot it? iDK...IDK what to think right now...
I miss being in a relationship, I miss knowing that I mattered, we mattered, that we wanted to be spend time together, rather then apart, and that this awkward silence or fear goes away, for her it seems to have, but for me.. maybe I've been hurt to much? IDK what the problem is... except that we are where we are, and I've chosen what I've chosen, I dont regret it, because I chose it, but I wish I knew how to make it better, some days we're fantastic and other days...especially after an argument we are where we are,with unknown when we will be moving forward? IDK.....
I wish I knew what was wrong with me... or how to make this work better..because I miss the love, I miss the joy, i miss the happiness.. we all deserve this.
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