beast of a week

 I'm struggling with realizing that I had a week where I had lost myself, and feel like maybe she did as well. we both were in a bad spot, and she's totally right that it was indeed my fault. 

i'm happy to make plans to try work stuff out, I'll do whatever I need too. I actually had said I had already been in the works of plans, It was true, but finding the paperwork to back that up will be a work in progress. I had these ideas of things written from books I read, and ways to find time for one another. I love her, and will do anything. 

I feel like I cannot stop looking back at what happened and realizing I went too far from the site of the world, I honestly feel like I was someone completely different, like that I just wasn't myself, and realizing that now maybe who knows who really knows! My only thought is I don't like the person I was, and I don't want to be that person at all. 
I know that I have stuff to work out, and I honestly can't help but look back at that time, and just feel like I was blacked out, wasnt myself.. 

I absolutely loved today because we got to go for a walk, and I wanted to say so much, I wanted to apologize so much, I wanted to devote myself to her so much, but where to begin you know.. I just loved being in her presence, and just remembering the good times, we are adding to those times by walking, and talking, and working stuff out. 
I just hope I get the help I need as time continues on, as I am working towards that, as it is all I have left.. because I just don't want to be whomever that person was. it sucks.. it honestly makes me think of the movie "split" about how many personalities were in one person, thats how I feel about who I was at that time, and I realize and hoped she'd realize it wasn't me.. 
I just have to prove that to her by living my life day by day, and not letting her down, or letting her doubt my mad love for her. 

I honestly would say it was my "beast" as I had opened a door to my life and I believe that was what it was that made me who that person was... very few people know that person, but it lives deep within in me, and if I calculate everything that led up to that conversation I feel like it was the beast of me, that had seeped through and tried to destroy every good thing in my life, or made me believe that I didn't deserve the love that I had.. 
I wish I could say that part of me is gone forever, but to be honest.. it's part of who I am..without that downfall back in the day I'd never be who I am now, I never would have wanted to make the right changes in my life to be who I am.

I like that show that said :

There are no mistakes, only lessons that make us who we are

there is so much pain in my past, so much destruction, and hurt and pain. but in those times I learned to become who I am.. and through those mistakes it helped me hit my rock bottom and forced me to make change, and not that changing was easy, but it was necessary, and without those mistakes I would likely not be here today.. 

anyway I'm rambling.. 

I just know that this relationship is not a mistake. it has been the greatest feeling I've ever had, felt, touched, experienced, smelled, loved, etc it has been the best love that isn't found in any fairy tale, and I just want to hold onto it and never let it go, but honor it, cherish it, guard it, and love it back. 
rarely do we ever find a love like this, it's a once in life time love, and I hope that I can not screw it up.

regardless I just feel this and I feel so much going on in trying to make us better, make life worth living, and she truly makes my life worth living..
in the days ahead my struggle is real, as I am going through remembering my uncle and days that led up to his death.. I'm in a weird funk with that.. 
also my friend had recently died..

I wish I could honor her in a better way, or that our job would honor her.. But that's life.. and I wasn't as close of a friend as I'd like.. but what we had when we were friends was beautiful, raw and real.. we were the best of friends, and had some of the best laughs, and best real talks I've ever had with anyone. when I heard she died.. I broke down in tears.... I couldn't believe I didnt know her that well at the end, alls I know is she was a warrior, and she was my friend that I love and honor.. after I cried, I spoke to the world.. like speaking out loud to say goodbye.. and next thing I knew an eagle was soaring in the sky, and I feel like that was her saying goodbye to me as well.. and it made me wish her the best of luck on her new journey without the pain, and whatever else that may have been going on for her in the end.. 

it's been a lot of stuff going on... and I am trying to stay positive, because I am not alone in all of this, I have a world of people who feel what I feel, and we band together for support.. except the stuff about my uncles.. that stuff I have my cousin, as I am not close with anyone on the family side, and I will remain that way with everything that had happened.. I honestly feel free from the burdens they bestowed on me while I was there.. so it's good and bad, because I lose all connection to my roots so i feel.. as I go about trying to change my name so that I can severe those ties, and not carry on their name because I do not want to be known by the things that happened there.. on either side of my family, IDK> 

rambling!! lots going on in my head.. usually happens....

probably why Im not sleeping as much.. 

much love....KMF