Live in this

 Its funny because a picture is worth a lot of words.. reactions.. I was scared to hear from others regarding a family photograph that was taken. but I decided I wanted it, because we wanted it.. and therefore it happened.. 

We posted a new updated family picture on social media and the outcome is good, but almost too good you know? Like it was all the comments about how happy we looked, no mention that twenty four hours earlier she had a weak moment and wanted to give up on us. we just living in the now, I had a lot of weak ass moments last week. but like I said.. we are where we are an we're happy. 

for my followers.. for me to choose to be happy.. to choose this is a hard decision but at the same time I look at this picture and I feel it, know it, and believe it. and I believe that it can break through anything, and breakthrough my fears of it. we all deserve happiness... 

then my mind wanders... all of the future.. all of the wanting to show her the world, wanting to share every moment with her, but also realizing that as much as she owns my heart, that i do have a kid. it will not be easy for me to pick up and go, but I hope to find  a way to make it work. I also don't know the future. I don't know about forever.. as I say often IDK but our love is now, and our love wins now. and that's where I wanna live with. 

Its nice to be capable of loving someone to the point of happiness if that makes any sense, but it's nice to matter to someone, that if I died there would be someone who could say they knew me.. Its nice to know her passion regarding my kid, that when I get upset about the little things about my kid, like if another kid makes him cry, or if someone hurts him, I react in anger, and she does as well. 

I feel like that makes me love her more? does that make sense? that it's not just my life she is impacting or coming into, but she is coming into his life as well.. and knowing that makes such a huge difference, and I love that this is what she wants, for now, this is what she sees, feels and knows. it maybe a cheesy kind of love, but again its a love we share right now. 

I just want every experience. I want to be able to live our lives to the fullest, an to one day be dying or dead, and to have someone say I died doing what I love.. not that i know what that means but you get the picture. 
I hope for a beautiful future... I hope to keep making good choices, and to remind her to love, just as well as myself. 

other than my insane love.

it was recommended that I contact my kids daycare regarding his behaviour at home, and bring up my concerns and worries, and see what comes of it... because I want him to be ok, but I also want him to feel like he can express himself with me, not hiding under a table or in a dark room, or pouting, or whatever it is. and I wonder what messages he gets from daycare regarding this because maybe they aren't aware of his reactions at home.. IDK>... I hardly know what I am doing, or if what I am doing will ever make a difference... I know I know Im crazy. 

Im exhausted... cant even see anymore so tired