I'm Suffocating here

 It's all that is coming to my mind as I go through this shitty day.. I don't know where to begin or what to say, I honestly don't know what to think! there are days we are on the rainbows and stars, and happiness is just so pure an beautiful. but there are days like the last 2 days.. where I don't know why I even matter.. if I did something, or ended up somewhere would it even have mattered at all. 

I don't get what the relationship is about, I don't get why it is so easy for her to  be ok with this, and I'm so fucked over this. there is nothing that I can say that makes it better.. because when I asked for better, it's like it got worse, oh it got worse... the bs.. of lets hang out (because she feels obligated to say) but me I feel like saying no over and over. because I know she's only doing that because I asked for more time, but I didn't mean now, an again I don't want just another chore, another meeting, another person she has to be around or check in with if that makes any sense. 

I wanted our bs passion of love to guide us, make us happy. when I fought for this relationship I was very clear that I only wanted to live in the happiness, but I didn't realize that I'd doubt it, or question her loyalty to it, or commitment, and the fact that I can't ask her, talk to her, or know or sense where shes at, except some bs text message... I'm starting to fade.. starting to doubt. starting to just not care. 
Is it seriously just me! is it just me that thinks its super strange that the person you allegedly love is not the first/last or middle thought, or that anything that happens in your day, or any sadness, or happiness, anything at all is not worthy of a conversation, or a phone call. 
I was very clear that I was done with the texting and instead it's all I get.. its really shitty.. it hurts a lot. 

but of course I'm me! I'm BACK where I was! i'm back to not being able to leave, or being able to walk away because I've made some bs promise of never giving up.. I'm jepordizing my own sanity, my own love for my own desire to what do better? IDK.
I wanted to fight for this.. I wanted to make this work.. but it feels one sided... it feels like i'm the only one, and maybe she thinks the same thing.. but I don't know what more to do. 

I offer support. I offer help. I offer everything I have.. and it's never enough..it's never enough to get her attention, her love? IDK. 
but then!!!!!
DONT FORGET!!!!

what' I'm dealing with! and therefore I'm back to square whatever in recognizing that there are reasons she is doing this, just in the same matter of why I did what I did. I'm angry that Im at the other end of this, and that I have to guess, wonder or worry about whether we will fight, break up, love, happiness for us. its always a wonder.. and I realize now everything is on her time, and I realize I'm not ok with that. and so I just want to pull back.. say fuck it.. I don't matter enough to be considered.. maybe I'm only in her life for one bs reason that is not even worth that either.. I don't get what the fuck I'm doing.. 

I don't know how to word this shit to be heard.. to not be attacked yet again.. but I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm suffocating, because I feel what I feel, and I don't want to send anymore text messages, I don't want to be all about that bs anymore. I talk to lots of people in texts, but I also see them just as much as we text. whereas her.. I never see her... our relationship as I said is through text messages, and I don't know if that's worth it.. I don't get how love can conquer, how can love win, when love is nowhere to be found... I don't understand how to have faith in something that is not existing in my daily life? you know? even people who have religion, regularly have service, have signs, or hopes, o or whatever bs that happens with all that,,, whereas I have...nothing.. a random text message here and there that is supposed to be the complete love of her..

its not enough anymore.. and I need her to see that because again I won't walk away, but I'll also destroy myself, and I'll also suffocate forever, and if she does love me she'd see that, and want to make changes, or make the right decision that she doesn't love me at all.. that she thinks she does? because love doesn't feel like this, love isn't supposed to hurt me, love isn't supposed to have me resort to ways that are not normal, and love is def not supposed to make me cry everyday because I've survived another day, but I'm looking in the mirror and I no longer know who is looking back at me.

I'm fuckin struggling.. I'm hurting, and I want to break free..> but I wont... because I said I said its not who I am, even if it's whats best.. I cant this time.. ,she will have to make that decision because she knows she doesn't love me at all.. 

an if she does in anyway! then I'm not sure how that is true anymore.. I don't see anywhere that's been done with love.. I'm hurting really bad, and I'm wounded, and suffocating.. and she can't know.. because of what she's going through, maybe she's blinded by it. I'm not sure what to think or do...... except suffer through here, because I'm losing my mind, my soul, and my heart.